Is it normal what my father says and does?

My father keeps putting me down. Nothing I ever do is good enough for him. Sometimes he helps me out with important things and treats me nicely and other times he tells me bad things about myself or tries to blame me or make me look stupid. I cry. I cry a lot. It hurts me because I somewhere inside me want him to be proud of me and recognise me but even though I used to get As at school and college, he always had something negative to say that still wasn't right about me. I don't smoke, or take drugs, I'm going into the health profession soon God-willing. I try not to do anything wrong and I'm very conscious of myself because I feel I am always being judged and the internet is the only place I can let go and feel free.

He was an abuser, he and my mum would always fight every day of my childhood. He became so manic that I had to leave to stay with my gran or I would have failed my exams. He became paranoid and started locking my mum up in the house and checking her cellphone. She teaches at a religious school with her sister and he would follow her and make up stories about how she was leaving school during school hours which is impossible and cheating on him. She would never cheat, he's always been possessive. Because he is diabetic, my family said he has some psychological problem, but no one has ever done anything about it. They keep using him to do stuff for them. He functions well enough at work. He is just obsessed with security and feels people are following him. He wasn't obsessed like this in the past, but he used to have a lot of fights and used to always be unhappy with my mum and I. I'm glad they are separated now, but, I'm still sad.

He blames me for not visiting his family, when I am just a kid to them and they never showed us any care when we were going through financial problems. Our reputation has also been affected as my mum told his family how he was wrongfully accusing her. His family is very cold and I never got a long with them. He always praises his side of the family, and picks on the religious things I am supposed to do, which I don't always do because I'm depressed about my situation to care about anything. I left most of my hobbies and my friends and just like to sit in bed all day sometimes. My father is a very stubborn man and he has many flaws, but he only sees mine.

Is It Normal?
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Comments ( 9 ) Sort: best | oldest
  • That is so sad. I'm sorry you have such a bad parent. The only thing I can say to you is that you should try to break free from his judgment and value yourself for whatever it is that you are. Let go of the idea of pleasing someone who seemingly does not appreciate you.


    Blood is not always thicker than water.


    Find your own and stick to them!!!

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  • Unfortunately it's pretty common. Since you are an adult you should set your boundaries, and if he can't abide by them, eliminate him from your life until he can.

    He sounds toxic and most likely, mentally ill. Eliminate toxic people from your life. Allowing them to continue destructive behavior is bad from you and bad for them.

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    • He is mentally ill. When we go shopping he doesn't want to be seen with me, and says its dangerous to be seen with him because there are people watching us. He has spent so much money on gadgets to 'protect' himself, he even bought me a mace. He was always difficult to live with, always unhappy and arguing, but these last few years he became really paranoid and started treating us worse. I do try to get rid of him from my life, but it hurts me, I still want a father figure and he helps me out time to time with important things, so when I need him I let him into my life, then he starts emotionally abusing me and my mom, and then I cut him off again. It's a cycle. We hoped that his family would try to get him to see a psychologist but he is stubborn and also they are users and were always competing with our family.

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  • Well he seems like a candidate for the role model you always want to NEVER BE LIKE. learn from his mistakes and build yourself off of his negativity knowing you never want to be him. He sounds like a miserable person and tries to infect everyone around him with it. Misery loves company.....

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  • Lol similar to my dad. Always want me to do things according to him. It can get extremely depressing. At the end I’m just trying to live MY life. Your fathers behavior isn’t normal. Talk to him about it.

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    • Yeah it's upsetting when you don't have parents who allow you to be your own person and appreciate your good qualities. I tried talking to him about it, he says there are things I don't know about in the world and talks to me like I'm a kid. Then he tries to blame my mom or other people, like some kind of mafia he has made up for interfering in our lives

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  • Diabetes has nothing to do with his controlling manipulative behavior! I'll bet he doesn't behave like that except within the family where he's being allowed to get away with it.

    Stay away from him, focus on the good opinion of others in your family and friends circle and your own self-eseteem, he's not worth your time or energy.

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    • Well he doesn't take care of his health or take his medicines on time. And diabetic neuropathy is a possibility. You're right he was always controlling and manipulative - best words to describe him but now he doesn't have that hold on us anymore since separation, just his annoying words. You're right again, he only has problems with us.

      However, he is paranoid and thinks bad of good decent people, he accuses them of criminal activities and keeps thinking people are following him and that we are involved in some conspiracy which is what he blames for our lives being destroyed by him. He acts weird in public and is always talking about security to those around him. So he has a pyschological condition, but its not something I can do anything about.

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      • All you can do is stay away from him, either totally or as much as possible. Sorry you're in that situation with a parent, but as you say, there's nothing you can do about him, only about yourself.

        Can you find a support group for children of parents with mental health issues? There's an organisation in Australia but I don't know about the usa.

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