Is it normal to want to eat my own cum and piss on myself

So I'm a gay man, nearly 40 and have watched porn my whole life. Just recently I've become obsessed with the idea of eating my own cum and also pissing on myself. I try each time I cum to put some in my mouth but mostly bottle out of it and can't bring myself to piss on myself. If I'm so keen to do it what's stopping me? Maybe the thought that it's just not normal... ?