Is it normal to think some people have kids because of societal pressures?

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The way I hear many parents talk about their kids and the way I see many parents treat their kids really disturbs me and makes me feel very sorry for the next generation. Many people speak of their kids as if they are burdens and liabilities, necessary pains in their asses that they just have to deal with. Add to the list, parents that didn't want kids that just had them anyway, willingly or not.

On the other hand, I see a minority of parents that LOVE spending time with their kids. Sure, they complain ("my sons are so loud/messy") and enjoy having time to themselves, but otherwise they love spending time with their children and get genuine happiness out of caring for children.

It gets me to wondering why one would have kids if that was not what they desired for their lives? Is it the societal pressure to "grow up and have a family"? Because it's the norm? Is it normal to think that many only go into parenting because they believe they must do what is normal?

Is It Normal?
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  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago | pl

    Great topic, I cant even troll since its so true about society, especially American society, today.

    I dont know the great pressure about having kids, but I do see a great pressure about being married or the "need" to be married, then once a guy succumbs to that, kids arent far behind. I dont know any single women who are happier then single guys, and I dont know any married guys who are happier then married women.

    I just dont understand the obsession or need to have kids that some people put themselves through. As if your life isnt complete until you have kids for some reason. I wonder how many people out there secretly wish they never had kids, or got married and would change it if they could. They would never admit it of course, not even to themselves but its probably still true.

    I just dont really understand it myself, especially when its so clear to see how much MORE marriage benefits women then men.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago | pl

      I'm not trying to say that there are not any couples that truly desired children, rather, I am saying that many people have/kept children due to societal pressures, whether they be religious or moral etc. The list is endless.

      On top of that, I do know that there are many men that get sucked into child-rearing by their women, I find it selfish of women to bring up a child in a world in which they were not wanted by one major party of their life.

      Maybe it is just me, but the more outwardly enthusiastic people seem to be about parenting "OMG MY BBY IS TEH GREATEST TING THAT HAS EVR HPPENED TO ME!! <3" the more they regret the decision. I've spent time with those people. They really are the most miserable bunch I have ever met. They knew they didn't want children beforehand, why did they go through with it? What is so wrong with abortion that isn't wrong with bringing up an unwanted child?

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      • [Old Memory]
        11 years ago | pl

        Also those people who didnt want children beforehand, have the kids thinking it will fill some void in their life. They dont know what causes the void or even why its there, but for some miraculous reason having a kid is going to fill it.

        The misery they feel is them realizing that the kid doesnt and never will fill that void.

        Its a similar thing with marriage. People get freeked out since they think they should be WAY more happy then they really are after being married.

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      • [Old Memory]
        11 years ago | pl

        I understood what you meant perfectly. There are some couples out there that do have stable personalities and lifestyles that are "perfect" for raising children in. Those people are the rare one's, most of the one's I see felt panic set in when they approached 30 and HAD to have kids. Then seem to confused when parenting was alot more work then reward, at least initially.

        I find the same thing that over the top parents do tend to be the ones who either regret doing it or are BLOWN away by the amount of work it takes to have a child, as if children just raise themselves.

        I really dont see the attraction to being a parent myself. But saying something like that in public or around other parents is so taboo its like calling a black person the N-word.

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  • [email protected]
    11 years ago | pl

    thats the way its always been

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  • beastie
    11 years ago | pl

    They haven't even got anywhere to live yet - dingbat!!!

    Plus the moaning's started - she's hormonal, uncomfortable, don't know how she'll manage for money, boyf not showing enough interest in choosing names etc.

    She'll get no sympathy from me :)

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  • beastie
    11 years ago | pl

    I totally agree, particularly where women are concerned. I see it all the time.

    I work with a woman just turned 30, going out with a guy who says he's not ready for marriage. All her friends are getting knocked up and watching movies like Knocked Up and Juno...getting baby showers and fuss and attention.....she watches and reads all the "baby bump" celeb trash that's in the media....

    I've been waiting around a year for her to OOPS her boyf and force the issue and sure enough it happened. She "doesn't know how that happened" - poor bastard never saw it coming.

    Funny that the older women get (ie, less fertile) the more likely they are to have these "accidents" LOL!

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago | pl

      I find it even more funny that anybody would actually believe them. I am truly starting to think that most people don't believe her (because a 30 year old woman not knowing how to properly use birth control, having never been knocked up in the past... really?) but are not going to rock her boat and question whether or not she is lying. After all, at this point, the proof is probably in a dump somewhere.

      This post makes your other post make more sense. She does not deserve sympathy, as she made a poor choice in willingly becoming impregnated by a man that is not committed enough to her to even have married her beforehand or now. Assuming that she did "oops" him. It's not an unfounded assumption, after all, my Mother did the same to my Father and here I am!

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      • beastie
        11 years ago | pl

        Yep the old "tender trap" they used to call it.
        Force the issue and the guy will have to marry you and warm up to the idea....we only have to watch the news to see the fall-out of that branch of philosophy....

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      • beastie
        11 years ago | pl

        Yep the old "tender trap" they used to call it.
        Force the issue and the guy will marry you and love it when it's here.......well I hope it works out for the kid's sake at least.....but unfortunately we only have to watch the news to see the fallout of that philosophy...

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          11 years ago | pl

          Yeah (lol I get it, like with gang warfare going on because of the thousands of children without father figures in their lives for reasons that are not limited to but include THAT reason!), unfortunately there are women out there that interpret "I am not ready" as "I am willing to adapt any situation you throw me into, regardless of the intentions or results" as opposed to the correct interpretation of "I'm not ready" which is... well... "I'm not ready".

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          • beastie
            11 years ago | pl

            I am a woman (childfree) and it sickens me the way so many woman behave in their quest to get knocked up - the cheating, the lying, the scamming of men. Then, when they get the kid they all get PND and dump it in daycare.....my work colleague is already planning which stranger she'll be dumping her kid onto "cos I don't know what I'd do with a kid at home all day, I'll be bored out of my mind....."

            Yeah so she'll come back to work to do a half-assed job no doubt expecting me to carry her load. She's already dumping stuff onto e just by virtue of beong pregnant!!

            It never seems to be about the kid itself these days - there's always a hidden agenda...forcing a wedding...getting out of the workforce....keeping up with your friends.....taking the piss if they do work.....

            It's not like we even NEED more people!

            I despair sometimes...!

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              11 years ago | pl

              I can understand that.
              At times, societal pressures intensify the urge to get what we already want, it's called instant gratification.

              I am a female, childfree and married to a man that wants children. I'm still in college. Many of my friends my age have children (and the majority are single mothers) and many friends that are 5+ years older than me have children. It is quite a pressure to want children and see others that also have children, but the ones my age are struggling by virtue of their having children (which I do not want for myself or any future children) and the ones 5+ older than me... are 5+ older than me. This leads me to believe that pressure can often be ignored as often times it can be self-perceived.

              Many of these are women that won't get an abortion (despite not wanting children) because of societal pressures or women that are pressured by delusions of grandeur can not see past them long enough to see the struggle that they are asking for if they just leap unreadily into such a situation. It's the fever of individualism. Do what makes you happy. Forget everyone else. But do it in a popular way.

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  • Avant-Garde
    11 years ago | pl

    I agree. If my family had it their way I would've HAD to marry a man and have about four children! My family were even pressuring me when I was about 9 or 11!

    I'm still young and I don't want children. Even now they try to guilt trip me into it...

    I don't think it's right to pressure someone on how they would live their life. Especially, on something as consuming and serious as having children. It's huge responsibility to force on someone's shoulders.

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  • auroraborealis
    11 years ago | pl

    I completely agree. I've noticed a lot of kids these days are either very badly behaved and ignored, or are put on pedestals by their parents and can do no wrong/should get the same rights as adults. I hate having to deal with them at restaurants, movie theaters, grocery stores etc etc. They are out of control.

    I've come to the conclusion that most people have kids because of pressure, by accident or because they're bored. I think only a few people actually want to parent their children to eventually be responsible, productive adult members of society. Kids are like long term pets to some people. Gotta let it off its leash to run around in the store i.e. junglegym.

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  • kellstar79
    11 years ago | pl

    Some people ofcourse would have kids because of societal pressures, others by accident and then some thinking it will be easy and it's not and then turning around and blaming the child and abusing them weather it psychically or mentally. Whenever I see an adult hurting a child to extremes I call the police, I've done this on many occasions. some women feel they have to have children ecause of their age and because it's something society says is 'normal' weather they are ready or not. I've even known women (not personally friends of mine but thought knowing their friends) to get pregnant on purpose to trap the man and then it backfiring in their face only to then turn around and neglect and harm the child. I have children myself and can not understand how anyone can hurt their child, ever! Sad as it may be some people don't deserve children especially if they only had them for the wrong reasons!

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  • Energy
    11 years ago | pl

    Who's pressuring?! Fuck what people say, have kids whenever you're ready!

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