Is it normal to research ways to commit suicide without being suicidal?

69% Normal
14 Comments

I don't want to die. At least, I don't think so. My life is a little rocky right now but not anything I can't work through. I've felt much worse before... But lately, I've been looking up ways to commit suicide. I've measured the point from my highest window and researched how to fall to best be sure to die, or how many of the 50 1g paracetamol pills in my cabinet I'd need to take, or how exactly one would go about it with a good quality, sharp knife.
It almost feels like a safety net. Even if it's a little frustrating to realise that most ways aren't as direct or painful as I'd like. It's kind of a, "just in case" kind of thing. If life gets too dicey in one way or another, well... I'll always have this drill that I know how to use.

Voting Results
69% Normal
Based on 13 votes (9 yes)
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Comments ( 14 )
  • TheBlindInquisitor
    5 years ago

    If it's for simple research then it's not a big deal.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      5 years ago

      That's what I'd think too but if I ever vaguely mention it some people start to get worried. So I just play it off and stop talking about it

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  • cheshiresmile
    5 years ago

    I do the same thing. I really am starting to mind a lot less. recently I've realized how real death is. an eternal black out that you wont even be aware about. it's not just an abstract concept. and its inevitable.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      5 years ago

      Glad to hear I'm not alone, that's why I asked in the first place. It's always been a reality for me that death is inevitable and very real, but at the same time I feel less sensitive to it than others. In a weird kind of way, I've realised that, if most any person in my life right now died... I do not think I would cry. I feel like the strongest emotion there's be would be me being slightly bummed out. That it be my brother, my friends, my parents, my cousin's or my boyfriend, I don't think I feel enough about any of them to seriously cry about it, and that kind of scares me. But at the same time, it softens the idea that Oishome brought up; if I wouldn't feel sad enough to truly cry for any of them, why would any of them do it for me? I almost expect most people to feel the same way about me as I do about them. It'll be. A slight inconvenience, but that's about it.

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  • Ellenna
    5 years ago

    You may not be actually suicidal YET but you sound as if you're on the road towards it. The more you research the subject the more normal it will probably seem to you.

    The main argument suicide for me has always been that it's so damn FINAL and leaves no opportunity for your life to improve, and that's ALWAYS POSSIBLE.

    If at this stage you really don't want to kill yourself, please get some help and work out why you're so interested in it.

    I just remembered a quote from someone who didn't end up killing himself, but said he thought of suicide as a nice shiny toy he could take out and play with whenever he wanted to and then put it away again. Is this what you're doing?

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      5 years ago

      I really don't know? It's almost more of a curiousity thing, like with the examples I mentioned, for the paracetamol it's because I was just having a pill of it for a headache, normal stuff. Then I see there's 50 grams in the bottle and wonder "oh, I wonder how much would kill me" and look it up and just think "huh, 18 of these pills would give me a slow, agonising death, and I still have 30. Funny that" and move on with my day.
      I think it's not as much ways to commit suicide but maybe constating that there are many easy ways to die at hand? How I feel about my research seems to constantly shift. Sometimes it feels like a horrifying proof of my mortality, sometimes a comforting last resort, sometimes just an interesting fact.

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      • Ellenna
        5 years ago

        Overdosing on paracetamol is more likely to leave you alive with a damaged liver than to kill you

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  • TheOishome
    5 years ago

    Okay so I understand suicide isn't on the agenda for you atm but you seem okay with the idea that it might be at some point down the road. I'll say this though even though you probably already know it but I want you to really think about it. When a family member commits suicide they leave their family broken, people live their whole lives and never get over a family members suicide and no wonder. What a horrible occurance to find out one of the people you love most in the world was so unhappy they'd rather die than be alive any longer.
    I've witnessed the effect suicide can have on family first hand it's not pretty in fact it's the most ruthlessly destructive thing I've witnessed in my life. It leaves scars that can never be healed and that will be your legacy. You're family will only remember you with sadness and earth shattering guilt that they didn't save you. No one can forget that.
    So if you ever get to a point in life where you really feel suicide is you're only option think of your family and how it will inevitably cripple their lives. You could see your suffering as the virtuous act of protecting your family from the emotional life altering damage that could be caused. Bear that cross with pride that even if you suffer wholey and completely, you can take solace in the fact that your family are better off because of you

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      5 years ago

      Yep, gotcha, thanks, I know that. I guess it's always good to remember. But I think I'm planning just for a worst case scenario kinda thing. I think. I'm not entirely sure, in all honesty....

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      • TheOishome
        5 years ago

        I know you're leaving it as a worst case scenario option, but no matter how bad it gets can you really do that to your family

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          5 years ago

          Of course I know that

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          • TheOishome
            5 years ago

            Well I dont wish to be blunt or degrade the severity of your suffering but if you know what it will do to your family it is inhuman to go through with it, you genuinely will not just end your life you will permanently scar theirs. PERMANENTLY that's the important thing to remember there's no end to the suffering you'll leave your family with I've seen it it's one of the most incredibly life shattering things on this earth

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  • RoseIsabella
    5 years ago

    You sound depressed.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      5 years ago

      Do I? And yet, I feel pretty fine. I've been told depression runs on my father's side of the family but that's about it. I haven't been diagnosed with it either.

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