You just said in another post (http://isitnormal.com/story/is-it-normal-if-i-think-the-existence-of-most-of-us-is-meaningless-165426/) that you think it's a shame we don't have any time to spend on our hobbies or with family and/or close friends? That it makes lives meaningless.
Then you say time with friends/family and 'doing fun things' (hobbies) is time wasted?
Make up your mind.
Also, if you don't think you need that man's support, you should leave him, stop misleading him. He probably has no idea you think he's a burden (how cruel).
The fact is, most humans are social creatures who enjoy the company of others. Not necessarily all the time, but consistently throughout their lives. They enjoy loving and being loved, because it gives them a feeling of self-worth, of purpose, and gratification. It's an entirely involuntary response, anyway - you don't choose to love.
If you want to be a hermit because you want to focus on your hobbies whilst dealing with having "no income or future", then you do that. But let that guy go and find a reciprocated relationship in which his love isn't shunned or considered a burden.
OP: leave your partner as soon as possible. What you're doing by being in a relationship with him isn't fair on him. He's wasting his time and love on you.
Look again: I did not say that at all! And incidentally, he does not support me as I have my own money. I do not believe in being supported financially by a man and actually, I left a life behind, partly for that reason (ie so he didn't have to support me because of illness). And I would have to do it again if I ran out of money because I would not expect to burden him: that's plain selfish.
I've always seen this as being responsible ever since my parents were able to quote how much I had cost them and when. So I endeavoured to pay them back what I could manage because it caused them so many difficulties and they couldn't afford to do anything because of the family.
So I grew up feeling I was a burden to them because of my existence and nothing I said or did made up for that in their eyes or brought them delight- actually, anything I did out of feeling for them was ignored or seen as wrong so I soon learned that these things are not important for survival and actually destroyed my self-worth. I had none out of the interaction- except as a commodity with a financial figure attached to my head. So my parents never wasted money on anything on stupid things "for fun" as it had to be all about survival because of us kids. And our existence made my parents ill. My mum had a severe weight problem because she had given birth and I wasn't even the boy she had hoped for!
So you see, I simply do not understand how anyone gets self-worth, purpose and gratification from loving or being loved.
By 'that man's support', I didn't mean financial, I meant emotional. You said 'you have a man who loves you with all his heart'. So I'm saying you should let him know you don't need him or want his emotional support, or company, because you find it a burden. Otherwise he's wasting his time on you, and wasting your time, and that's not right.
You said in the other post:
"After all that you have a very limited time for yourself! Where is the fun in that? When can you engage in your hobbies? When can you devote time to your family and/or close friends?"
You said here:
"I am much more efficient alone and I find love and caring (and sex!) takes up time that could be spent much more productively than sitting around chatting or doing "fun" things. What's the point?"
So it seems like you're saying... 'Where is the time for people to spend doing fun things and the time to devote to family and friends? Without that life's meaningless.' Then saying... 'Spending time with family and friends is pointless and unproductive, as is chatting and doing fun stuff. It's meaningless.' Seems sorta contradictory don't you think?
People get self-worth from being loved, because they feel valuable and needed by someone. This self-worth is gratifying. Simple as that.
I most certainly did not write that one! You have mixed me up with somebody else! For one thing, I have no living family and I am isolated location-wise and can't drive anywhere so I have no friends to see! Neither do I have the inclination to post bogus information.
I guess with my upbringing, I simply did not feel valuable and needed- the opposite actually. I was a burden and my presence made their lives financially difficult, wrecked my Mum's health through pregnancy with me and awfully miserable, which I took to heart so much, that I never saw the point in having family of my own. Why repeat something that is so harmful to wellbeing (as it seemed to them and was to be too through growing up treading on eggshells lest I be more of a burden to them)?
Additionally, I have a personality like Bugsforbreakfast describes because not needing physical and emotional support was a way of lessening the burden on the family and so I believe in the value of independence. I was ridiculed and scolded if I needed any sort of emotional support.
My mistake! I thought you wrote the other post because of your comment on it, but that was me connecting dots incorrectly :/ sorry about that. I feel dumb now.
My point still stands about not misleading the man who loves you, though.
Also, independence and self-sufficiency are great. And if you are in no way emotionally dependent on others, that's fair enough. Most of us are dependent on others to some extent, for our psychological wellbeing. I'd probably go mad if I was permanently alone, and I doubt I could find happiness if I never felt loved.
You may well be different. Or you may well not realise how you'd feel without love, since you have a guy who loves you "with all his heart". Or it could well be your depression and CFS speaking. You know better than we do.
IIN to not be affected by love anymore
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I'm confused.
You just said in another post (http://isitnormal.com/story/is-it-normal-if-i-think-the-existence-of-most-of-us-is-meaningless-165426/) that you think it's a shame we don't have any time to spend on our hobbies or with family and/or close friends? That it makes lives meaningless.
Then you say time with friends/family and 'doing fun things' (hobbies) is time wasted?
Make up your mind.
Also, if you don't think you need that man's support, you should leave him, stop misleading him. He probably has no idea you think he's a burden (how cruel).
The fact is, most humans are social creatures who enjoy the company of others. Not necessarily all the time, but consistently throughout their lives. They enjoy loving and being loved, because it gives them a feeling of self-worth, of purpose, and gratification. It's an entirely involuntary response, anyway - you don't choose to love.
If you want to be a hermit because you want to focus on your hobbies whilst dealing with having "no income or future", then you do that. But let that guy go and find a reciprocated relationship in which his love isn't shunned or considered a burden.
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dom180
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On point.
OP: leave your partner as soon as possible. What you're doing by being in a relationship with him isn't fair on him. He's wasting his time and love on you.
Look again: I did not say that at all! And incidentally, he does not support me as I have my own money. I do not believe in being supported financially by a man and actually, I left a life behind, partly for that reason (ie so he didn't have to support me because of illness). And I would have to do it again if I ran out of money because I would not expect to burden him: that's plain selfish.
I've always seen this as being responsible ever since my parents were able to quote how much I had cost them and when. So I endeavoured to pay them back what I could manage because it caused them so many difficulties and they couldn't afford to do anything because of the family.
So I grew up feeling I was a burden to them because of my existence and nothing I said or did made up for that in their eyes or brought them delight- actually, anything I did out of feeling for them was ignored or seen as wrong so I soon learned that these things are not important for survival and actually destroyed my self-worth. I had none out of the interaction- except as a commodity with a financial figure attached to my head. So my parents never wasted money on anything on stupid things "for fun" as it had to be all about survival because of us kids. And our existence made my parents ill. My mum had a severe weight problem because she had given birth and I wasn't even the boy she had hoped for!
So you see, I simply do not understand how anyone gets self-worth, purpose and gratification from loving or being loved.
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disthing
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By 'that man's support', I didn't mean financial, I meant emotional. You said 'you have a man who loves you with all his heart'. So I'm saying you should let him know you don't need him or want his emotional support, or company, because you find it a burden. Otherwise he's wasting his time on you, and wasting your time, and that's not right.
You said in the other post:
"After all that you have a very limited time for yourself! Where is the fun in that? When can you engage in your hobbies? When can you devote time to your family and/or close friends?"
You said here:
"I am much more efficient alone and I find love and caring (and sex!) takes up time that could be spent much more productively than sitting around chatting or doing "fun" things. What's the point?"
So it seems like you're saying... 'Where is the time for people to spend doing fun things and the time to devote to family and friends? Without that life's meaningless.' Then saying... 'Spending time with family and friends is pointless and unproductive, as is chatting and doing fun stuff. It's meaningless.' Seems sorta contradictory don't you think?
People get self-worth from being loved, because they feel valuable and needed by someone. This self-worth is gratifying. Simple as that.
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I most certainly did not write that one! You have mixed me up with somebody else! For one thing, I have no living family and I am isolated location-wise and can't drive anywhere so I have no friends to see! Neither do I have the inclination to post bogus information.
I guess with my upbringing, I simply did not feel valuable and needed- the opposite actually. I was a burden and my presence made their lives financially difficult, wrecked my Mum's health through pregnancy with me and awfully miserable, which I took to heart so much, that I never saw the point in having family of my own. Why repeat something that is so harmful to wellbeing (as it seemed to them and was to be too through growing up treading on eggshells lest I be more of a burden to them)?
Additionally, I have a personality like Bugsforbreakfast describes because not needing physical and emotional support was a way of lessening the burden on the family and so I believe in the value of independence. I was ridiculed and scolded if I needed any sort of emotional support.
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disthing
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My mistake! I thought you wrote the other post because of your comment on it, but that was me connecting dots incorrectly :/ sorry about that. I feel dumb now.
My point still stands about not misleading the man who loves you, though.
Also, independence and self-sufficiency are great. And if you are in no way emotionally dependent on others, that's fair enough. Most of us are dependent on others to some extent, for our psychological wellbeing. I'd probably go mad if I was permanently alone, and I doubt I could find happiness if I never felt loved.
You may well be different. Or you may well not realise how you'd feel without love, since you have a guy who loves you "with all his heart". Or it could well be your depression and CFS speaking. You know better than we do.