Is it normal to feel bad for my dad

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25 Comments

I will start by confessing I am a very sympathetic person, I often feel bad for people when they dont deserve it. So my mother and father had been married 20 years, and the marriage is now completely failing. This is because my father has been cheating with other women practically the whole marriage (he even gave her an STD while she was pregnant once). In an attempt to defend my mother, she stayed with him to protect us kids by keeping the family together.

Now he lives alone as he was kicked out by my mom because shes finally had enough. My sister came to me the other day and said she thinks he’s depressed because he said in a text “There’s no one here to say good morning or good night.” He also always just sounds sad. I feel my moms pain so much and at times she really breaks down to me over it. But I cannot help but feel sorry for him. Should I reach out to him and lend a hand or let him wallow in self pity for breaking the family apart?

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67% Normal
Based on 15 votes (10 yes)
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Comments ( 25 )
  • Boojum
    4 years ago

    What you say suggests to me that your father is a narcissist. Such people are very good at manipulating others, which may be part of the reason your mother stuck with him for as long as she did.

    Nothing that a narcissist says should be taken at face value. Everything they say is calculated - consciously or unconsciously - to manipulate others in order to get what they want. I suspect your father is now missing some aspect of living with his family, and he's putting subtle pressure on you and your sister to recruit you to work on his behalf against your mother.

    Your sympathy is laudable, but I think it's misguided and undeserved. The only one you should be feeling sorry for is your mother, and you should be focused on supporting her in whatever way you can. I would not be surprised at all if you eventually discover that, unknown to you, your father has been doing his best to push her buttons and manipulate her into letting him back in to the family home.

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    • RoseIsabella
      4 years ago

      https://youtu.be/tW5rXvFXQxY

      Check out this video, and please tell me what you think. I love this video!

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      • Boojum
        4 years ago

        I've never come across that before. Narcissism can manifest in various forms, but I suspect that's really a very good rough and ready test. My mother-in-law is a narcissist, and I'm sure she'd flatly assert that she doesn't need to change or improve herself since she's totally happy with how she is.

        Can you imagine the response of The Greatest Ever Donald to that question?

        The same YouTuber has a longer video on other things that narcissists commonly instinctively do, one of which is to use word-salad to essentially hypnotise others in order to implant suggestions and manipulate them. Listening to that, I was reminded of reading a verbatim transcript of what Trump said at one of his rallies. It made absolutely no sense whatever, but it might go some way towards explaining the baying of the yahoos at those rallies.

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        • RoseIsabella
          4 years ago

          I first saw this video while I was still with my verbally, and emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend. I asked him the question, and initially it seemed to kinda just stump him, and he just got progressively more angry and rageful after being asked in what ways he could improve.

          I honestly try not to think of politicians very much, because for me it's always just a choice between a douche and a turd. I just vote for whomever I find to be the lesser of two evils. Usually I've got too much personal crap going on to think too much about politicians, celebrities, or reality stars. My sister drives me crazy telling me that she likes to watch the Real Housewives on BRAVO, because she thinks she can learn from them. Ugh.

          I'm actually subscribed to Richard Grannon's channel, because I really feel like I can benefit from its content. I love the part in the video about Bladerunner! There's always something about narcissists where they are very flat spiritually, and lack depth. I was gonna say that there is is very shallow quality to them, but it just feels so redundant to me to say. It's hard to have a deep conversation with a narcissist, because they seem to focus on very superficial details, as if they're almost learning disabled, it's very weird. There's a flatness about them.

          Okay that's enough of my stream of consciousness rant.

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          • McBean
            4 years ago

            Gee Rosie, and you were just warming up. Tbh, your social perceptions of people unlike yourself can be a bit of a roadmap for me. Remember that social exposure begets social insight. I'm just an unsocialized dork that filled whiteboards with algebra to get systems working to neutralize targets, and make markets. I'm sorry that my life experience contains nothing useful for you, but please know that I appreciate the way you share your insights about people.

            Thank you. 💛

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      4 years ago

      Boojum, out of curiosity, are you a man or a woman?

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      • Boojum
        4 years ago

        Just another dirty old man.

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        • leggs91200
          4 years ago

          You should have said, "I am a woman who likes to deprive incels of sex".

          You know how many of those silly incels are on here, longing for some poon tang that will never come.

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        • RoseIsabella
          4 years ago

          Well, at least you are a dirty old man who understands about narcissists! They are awful the way they abuse people, but then turn it all around, and act like victims.

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    • WeirdManFromTheSouth
      4 years ago

      Why do you say he is a narcissist? Because he cheated on his wife? Tons of people do this. Doesnt mean hes recruiting his daughter "to work against the mother". You're making too many assumptions.

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      • Boojum
        4 years ago

        Psychological studies have found a correlation between narcissism and promiscuity. The narcissist currently occupying the White House (between rounds of golf) is a very obvious example.

        If you want a cite: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/darwins-subterranean-world/201806/the-promiscuous-narcissist

        Of course I was suggesting a label based on very limited information, but the behaviour the OP describes is consistent with that of a narcissist.

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        • WeirdManFromTheSouth
          4 years ago

          Lol in true liberal fashion you threw Trump in there too.

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          • Boojum
            4 years ago

            Well, he keeps telling everyone how he's the greatest, and in this case he's certainly a very good example.

            And, yeah, I expected you to rise to that bait, so it was a little trollish of me.

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            • WeirdManFromTheSouth
              4 years ago

              He does brag a lot but it's hilarious because of how angry he makes people just by being himself. The other week he passed this prison reform bill and had former inmates at the White House talking about how great Trump is for releasing them and you see Trump over there with a huge smile on his face and you know liberals are exploding over Trump getting his ego stroked. He's HILARIOUS.

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    • RoseIsabella
      4 years ago

      BRAVO!

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  • RoseIsabella
    4 years ago

    Whatever unhappiness your father is currently living in he has most certainly brought upon himself. Cheaters are fundamentally selfish people.

    Maybe your father is a sex addict? I think you should forward this website to him, and encourage him to go into recovery.

    https://saa-recovery.org/

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      4 years ago

      That's the other thing that sucks about the situation. I see my friends able to call their fathers out on their shit but I can't. My mom confides in me for someone to talk to but she lets me know that I can't tell him I know because he already thinks she's turning us against him (for whatever reason). Like he would flip on her if he knew I knew everything

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      • Boojum
        4 years ago

        I would suggest that you have a look online for suggestions on how to recognise a narcissist.

        Maybe my suspicions are wrong and you'll find that your father doesn't meet any of the criteria of narcissism, but don't be surprised if you can tick off most of the boxes on the list. If it does seem that he is indeed a narcissist, there are sites with suggestions on how to deal with a narcissistic parent.

        In any case, I would suggest that you go along with your mother's request. You may believe you know your father well, but it's very likely she knows him better than you do.

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      • RoseIsabella
        4 years ago

        Your dad sounds like a narcissistic abuser! Narcissists can't take any criticism, and they constantly play the victim, especially when they are are abusing other people.

        Ask him this question, in what ways do you need to grow, or change?

        https://youtu.be/tW5rXvFXQxY

        Seriously, this will expose a narcissist!

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  • WeirdManFromTheSouth
    4 years ago

    he's still your dad so I guess. If he's a good dad to you I'd try to keep a good relationship with him.

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  • bigbudchonga
    4 years ago

    I would really reach out to him. The biggest killer for men under the age of 45 in the UK is suicide. If you're in another Western country, it's probably the same for you. I don't mean to be too hyperbolic about it, and he probs won't commit suicide, but a lot of men hurt and don't really tell anyone how bad it is. I would pop round and spend some days/nights with him. My own dad once told me he thought about suicide after he got divorced, and I know someone who's divorced dad killed himself.

    Let him know how much you still love him, and how much you need him, and that he can talk to you, etc.

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  • Goldendoodlegirl
    4 years ago

    Totally normal to feel bad for your dad. He's your dad...and if you ever had a decent relationship with him, it's normal for you to feel for him. Your Mom's relationship with him is not yours. If I end up leaving my husband and hating him, I would still hope my kids could have their own relationship with him if he was good to them.

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  • leggs91200
    4 years ago

    They keep coming up with names for people like narcissist, sociopath, psychopath, histrionic, autistic, and whatever.

    It can all be explained real simple -
    The public is a bunch of assholes.

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  • SwickDinging
    4 years ago

    STDs are very dangerous for pregnant women. He could have caused very serious harm to the baby, or even a miscarriage/still birth. All he would have had to do was put a condom on while he was cheating on his pregnant and wife, and he couldn't even be bothered doing that. He decided that the physical feeling of unprotected sex was more important to him than the safety of his unborn baby.

    Remember that every time you start to feel sorry for him.

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  • Nikclaire
    4 years ago

    I think its normal. Every human makes mistakes. Does that mean we have to spend our life shunned and alone?

    I believe in second chances for those who want to change. Your mum was right to boot him but he isn't a pariah unless he is a total jerk and plans to continue being one.

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