Is it normal to always plan for long future relationships?

I get many matches on Tinder and irl-dates easily also but I diss men unless I can't imagine a long future and marriage with them based on first date or even before first date impressions. I know exactly what I want in the future and if a guy doesn't look like someone who'd want that lifestyle or isn't 100% sure he ever does I move on immadiately. I am in my early 20s and so are the men I date. I have started to suspect this might be why I cannot find someone.

Is It Normal?
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  • You're obviously an attractive person if you don't struggle to find a potential partner. That in itself has its ups and downs. A major downside is that you'll attract a great deal of assholes looking strictly for fun time (whether they admit it or not). Hopefully you don't judge books by their covers too much though as I personally know and am someone(s) that have been family oriented all their life and strongly desire to find someone to settle down with. Admittedly in our generation it's become extremely challenging to find that special someone due to the fact that almost everyone is "Just looking to have fun". Most of the potential partners my age I've crossed already had children from one night stands and were forced to go looking for a partner to support them. I'm okay being a step-dad but the fact that they're often strictly looking for financial security purposes is something that spoils any potential advancing of the relationship. Ultimately, looks are nice but make sure they're someone you connect with more so. There was an article posted by some psychologists investigating human nature and found more than half the happily married people they interviewed found the partner they're happily married to when they lowered their standards to a degree (appearance wise). This actually led to the saying "He may not look like prince charming but he'll give you the happily ever after you deserve".

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  • If you have really high expectations and are looking for one exact type of person you are going to live a life of constant and utter disappointment. I pity you. I'm literally the exact opposite. I'll date just about anyone I like because I feel we can work through our problems and make a stable relationship together. I was like you when I was young but very quickly realized I was never going to get a girlfriend unless I lowered my standards a bit.

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  • Sounds like you're not trying to waste your time. I ain't mad at ya.

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  • There's nothing wrong with being sure what you want from life and going into relationships with the hope and intention they will be long-term, but it can make things pretty intense from the get-go. Still, chemistry counts for a lot, and I'm a firm believer in gut-feelings (particularly for women who are generally more intuitive about such things), so I see nothing wrong with how you back off rapidly if you feel there's no chance of something serious developing.

    Having said all that, I think there's a lot of truth in the saying that the best is the enemy of the good. Going through life being determined to accept only perfection virtually always leads to disappointment and missing out on a lot of things that are actually pretty damn nice.

    You could consider if you might have an unrealistically idealised vision of your perfect partner, and if it just might be possible that you've been rejecting guys that don't perfectly match that template, while they could have other positive qualities that more than make up for the shortcomings you perceive.

    In any case, although I've been off the dating market for a very long time and Tinder happened after I left it, my understanding is that it's not really the best place to look for a serious partner. I'm sure it can and does happen, but if I was younger and looking for a long-term relationship, I'd be willing to invest some time, effort and money on dating websites more aimed at people looking for that.

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