Is it normal this makes me regretful?
So long story short: I had a major crush on a girl in high school, and it slowly grew into an unhealthy obsession, and after leaving high school I pretty much got over her, but she would still come back into my mind from time to time. Just now I was thinking about her, and although I know show had a boyfriend, I just thought of how close we were at one point, and I almost started believing in soulmates again, and that we were just in a rough patch. This might be shameful to admit but I just looked at her twitter, and she posted quite a lot about her current boyfriend, and while I’m happy they’re in a committed relationship, it made me feel kinda disappointed in myself.
You see, I had a lot of anxiety in high school, and only until just recently did I become more sociable and outgoing. A lot of the stuff this guy said to her were similar to thoughts I had about her, but I was too nervous to tell her. I just kept thinking “man, I wish I would have thought of the same stuff this guy did!” And if I could go back in time with the mindset I have now, I think I probably would have acted on my thoughts.
This part is kinda superficial but I just wanted to get it out of the way: she didn’t even look like she used to. It might sound weird but I always thought she looked better when dressed normally, but all dressed up I didn’t like. But looks aside, even back in high school she changed a lot personality wise, and it reminded me of a realization I had: I really wasn’t in love with her, I was in love with a fabricated copy of her that I created in my head comprised of only her positive traits.
But even if I wasn’t as shy before and had asked her out when we first met, she would have said no (and I actually asked her this once and she said so herself that if I did she would have been flattered but outright admitted she wasn’t attracted to me).
But this also makes me think that relationships aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. From my observations (and I’m generalizing here) they seem to consist of guys going out of their way to please girls, and usually whatever one comes closest to practically worshipping her (or whoever is hottest) wins her heart.
She just seemed like she was made for me. She was beautiful, smart, funny, fun to be around, had similar interests, liked discussing deep things with me, etc. she seemed too good to be true, and I guess she really was.
Sorry for the long post but I really needed to get it out of my system.