Is it normal the guy i’ve been chatting with online for years is married?

18 Comments

I met this wonderful man about five years ago. It started out as is just chatting casually about normal things, such as pets, college, daily life, etc. I had no idea what he looked like or that he was even a man until later. So we were just friends.

Eventually it progressed and I got to know him better, I was very attracted to him, we talked every day, even on the phone every now and then. Years in, he was telling me he loved me, wanted to visit me, etc.

A few months ago, I got really curious because I actually don’t know a whole ton about the guy. My casual detective work turned into me finding out he’s been married the whole time I’ve known him and has a small child.

I’ve continued talking to him like normal. He doesn’t know I know. I feel bad about it but I also don’t because he would’ve cheated on his wife anyways even if it wasn’t messing around with me. I feel bad for his wife but it’s not my fault her husband is doing things he shouldn’t. I didn’t even know she existed until recently.

Is it normal to feel this way? Should I keep talking to him like normal? Should I say something to him about it? I’m really conflicted.

Stop talking to him 12
Ignore it 4
Confront him 13
He’s probably not happy with his wife, he would’ve strayed anyways 6
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Comments ( 18 )
  • paramore93
    5 years ago

    You shouldn't feel guilty if you didn't know. Now that you do, you can do the right thing. I wouldn't let him think he'd got away with it, I'd confront then block.

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  • Tealights
    5 years ago

    You've already answered your own question in your 4th paragraph. You know you're a mistress, that he's developing feelings for you and planning on meeting you, yet you still want to get-yours with this guy. You even justified your own illogic by saying it's not your fault if he cheats, cause if it ain't with you, then it would be with someone else. But you know who he is, so your hands are covered in shit now.

    I find it so strange how some women are so easily controlled in these situations. Hanging into an illusion someone made you believe, and when the truth is revealed, just excuses excuses.

    Anyway, talk to him about it, and be 100% sure it's him. If it is, good luck. Don't waste years being stringed along.

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  • trexagireve
    5 years ago

    Have sex with him, he might want a little push to get out of his misery married life, he could be your other half!!

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  • Boojum
    5 years ago

    Oh my GOD! I'm shocked! Stunned! This sort of stuff never really happens, does it? You gotta be a troll!!!!

    It seems to me the main point is that your relationship with the guy is based on a lie. It was a lie of omission - him not telling you a highly pertinent fact about himself - but a lie nonetheless.

    Seriously, though, at least a tiny part of you must have wondered, right? I guess you never flat-out asked him about his relationship status, but you never even wondered about that until more than four years into the relationship? You seriously assumed this "wonderful man" was hanging around, single, happy that his only relationship was a long-distance, sorta-relationship with someone who didn't know much about him, and who he knew very little about? We're all guilty of wishful thinking now and then, but that borders on the wilfully, pathologically naïve.

    Even if he hasn't technically lied to you because he never said he was a married father, he's apparently been leading you on, he apparently has adultery in mind, and you can be darn tootin' sure that his wife doesn't know about you.

    You bear no responsibility for how this relationship developed. If he was someone with a functional moral compass, he would have ended contact with you as soon as he started to develop feelings for you, or at the very least explained the situation to you and let you make the call on what happened then.

    You are responsible for how you react to knowing he's married. You don't say if the relationship has progressed to the phone sex stage. Some people would say that, if it has, he's already committed adultery. If you agree, I guess you can make up a, "I'm The Other Woman!" sticker to wear.

    I'm a bit torn on whether I think a long-distance relationship that's limited to verbal sex is really sex, and whether he's actually being unfaithful. It seems to me possible that he might be so bored and discontented in his marriage that his relationship with you, fantasy though it is, could be the only thing keeping him from straying IRL, and his kid then ending up watching daddy move out of the house.

    I think you should try to get rid of any fantasies you may have of strolling hand-in-hand off into the sunset with this "wonderful man". It's not impossible, but given his behaviour and your limited knowledge of him, it seems to me highly unlikely, and you'd be foolish to ever trust him completely. I suggest you sit down and think seriously about what you're getting out of this arrangement, how you really feel about him (while recognising that you don't really know him), and how you'd like to go forward from today. Some will say you should just block him, and that seems to me a valid point of view. However, if you really like the guy and you've both invested as much as you seem to have in the relationship, I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to at least let him know that you feel however you decide you feel, and inform him what you intend to do about that.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      5 years ago

      I was sort of skeptical, it’s not like a relationship really. I mean we talk all the time and I like the guy but I definitely didn’t expect him to be single all the time. I just find it’s odd that he never mentioned it. He’s mentioned coming to visit me decently often. I have feelings for the guy, but I’m torn, I really am. I thought about confronting him as soon as I found out. But I just don’t know! I wish I was joking, I really do.

      I guess I felt like I knew him more than I did because he knows pretty much everything about me, while I don’t generally ask personal things anymore. When we first started talking, he told me he lived alone and I asked about roommates or girlfriends and he said no. It’s partially my fault for not digging deeper, but honestly I was shocked. I even found wedding photos.

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      • Boojum
        5 years ago

        Nah, don't blame yourself.

        I'm married, and if I was chatting to some woman, she'd know that fact straight off the bat. It's hardly an irrelevant, trivial detail of one's life. The only time you don't mention this is if you're wanting to pretend - or you want someone else to believe - that you're not married.

        It's just an armchair diagnosis based on a tiny amount of information, but I think you might give some thought to whether this guy might have psychopathic tendencies. I don't mean that he's a potential axe murderer - few psychopaths are - but it does sound like he's played you, and possibly deliberately manipulated you into having feelings for him. The fact you say he knows a lot about you, while you've realised you actually don't know much about him seems to me to be a red flag.

        Your confusion is also worrying. Perhaps you're generally an indecisive person, but maybe that's because he's spun such a lovely tissues of total lies that you're desperate to believe they're true and all is not lost.

        Psychopaths can be fiendishly manipulative. They have an instinctive understanding of which buttons to push to get the response they want, and they leave confused, hurt, disbelieving victims in their wake.

        You might consider reading about psychopathy and relationships with psychopaths, just to see if anything chimes.

        In any case, the guy sounds like someone I wouldn't want my daughter or one of my sisters to be involved with. I think you'd be wise to take a step back and consider just what has been going on over the last five years.

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  • RoseIsabella
    5 years ago

    Stop talking to his two-timing ass, and block him!

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    • McBean
      5 years ago

      Happy Birthday, dear. I wish you and your kitty a wonderful day, filled with 49 waves of happiness.

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      • RoseIsabella
        5 years ago

        Thanks so very much McBean!

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        • McBean
          5 years ago

          :-)

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          • RoseIsabella
            5 years ago

            🙂

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    • Cuntsiclestick
      5 years ago

      Wait, is what McBean said true? If so Happy Birthday! Eat lots of cake and dance with cats! Wheeeeeee!

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      • RoseIsabella
        5 years ago

        Yes, today is my birthday! Thanks so much. I've been singing to my cat all morning, girlfriend! My mom gave me her Colombian style birthday greeting, which is when you call someone in the morning, as soon the person answers you sing Happy Birthday to the person. No hello, or anything, just start singing.

        I'm fixing to start getting ready here soon. 👍🏻😋

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        • Boojum
          5 years ago

          Funny - that birthday telephone call thing is also an Austrian tradition. Maybe Dutch and German too, but not sure about that.

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          • RoseIsabella
            5 years ago

            Yeah, I'm not surprised. It's a little easier now that she's almost 80 years old. In the past my mother has called me at 6am in the morning before.

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  • brutus
    5 years ago

    Ignore it and keep talking to him. But don't fall for him etc

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  • leggs91200
    5 years ago

    If you do not even know what he looks like then he is probably no where near as fascinating as you have dreamed him up to be. Happens a lot i suppose. We put someone on a pedestal without knowing who or what they truly are.

    If it IS the same guy and he is married and has a kid - may be best to let things fade away because the aforementioned image is now ruined anyways. You can keep talking sure but it might not be the same.

    One thing that happens to a lot of people (whether they will admit it or not) is when they are raising babies or toddlers is they get bored and want a life. They want to be single, dating, having fun. Not changing shit diapers, listening to a screaming brat, and unable to go anywhere or have fun.

    I cannot blame the guy for talking to you really. True he shouldn't be but if not you it would have been someone else. He just wanted some kind of connection to life beyond being domesticated into non-existence like most parents.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      5 years ago

      I know what he looks like, I’ve seen many many photos, videos, I’ve talked to him on the phone, I’m 99.9% sure he’s who he says he is. I stumbled across his wife’s Facebook page, complete with wedding photos and photos of their child. None of them together recently though, which raises the suspicion that maybe they’re separated? But also their child is about 3 years old or so. I’m really divided on how I feel about this.

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