For one, I think you sound paranoid. I have people, male and female stay over all the time. There's nothing unusual about that, I don't even see why it would be a cause for suspicion unless you're that painfully innocent.
For another, you can't just walk into a brand new relationship and throw your baggage on another person. Your trust issues are *your* problem, not hers. Maybe you should deal with that before pursuing a relationship.
You probably scared her, and insulted her because you wouldn't trust her. I mean, 2 weeks man? That's no time at all and you're already starting arguments over something that probably would have never been an issue.
Thats your opinion, however, thats not how i see it at all, yes, i have trust issues, but having sleep overs with other people so soon into the relationship.. the warning bells went off!
In the past, this type of thing happened, and stuff did happen.. so why should i trust her so soon into the relatuonship.. i would rather leave before she cheats, and find another girl, that see's things eye to eye with me.
Look, You can downvote me all you want, I'm just trying to help. I think in this situation, with her barely knowing your friend, you had every right to dump her and be suspicious.
But the point I was trying to make is that you cannot project your trust issues onto another person. Why should they have to make special allowances just because you're essentially comparing them to your ex, assuming they'll do the same thing?
And I had a sleepover with other people probably 3 days after I got into my newest relationship (a year ago now). I'm an adult, I live on my own. Friends come over as they please, and often they stay. If it was one of *her* friends rather than yours, would you still be as suspicious? If so, then that's a problem that you need to work on your own.
Becuase of my past, yes, i would be suspicious with anyone.
I see what you are saying, but i told her everything about my past, and she understood why i have these trust issues.. but she still ignored them. Thats not somone i want to be involved with.
And i dont downvote anyone for a matter of opinion. That is yours, and i respect that.
I re-upped your vote shade', because you're absolutely right.
True though RapidRat you are still quite young, so there's no blame intended either on you or your Ex, only advice to hopefully helping you.
But the 'trust' issue is only yours, this girl may have been the most trusted person you'll ever meet, or maybe not. When we start a relationship we don't immediately look to the end and see the faults. We build and learn together. You never know, this girl may have helped your 'trust' issues, by being sociable and open, and basically accepting and respecting others whatever they do. ie What if your wife (a long way off from now) needed to go on a business trip to France? Or a girls only holiday to Queensland? You continue to trust and accept her the way she is, if she cheats on you, then you accept it and THEN decide what to do, but NOT before it happens (if ever!)
I read you had a long distance relationship with a girl in Scotland?
What if THIS girl decided to come stay with you? The same applies. Your Gf would need to accept you and trust your actions. If you cheat, then she would need to accept that and THEN decide on the next move.
Your virginity and trust issues, do not give you the right to control her social life, with your friend sleeping over, or someone you don't even know! That is her, and you are you. And you accept her the way she is.
I think you missed an opportunity of great social interaction at an excellent age of 18 with your trusted Gf. It could have lead onto some fun times together. A Gf is NOT your possession and this is what you MUST accept forever.
Next time be a bit more open minded, without any demands. Hopefully this will allow both of you to grow together, for the duration of your Gf/Bf relationship. As someone mentioned earlier, you are not 14 anymore, adults do whatever they want to do, irrespective of any conditions you would prefer.
If you are still confused about what I and shade' are trying to enlighten you on here, please ask again, and I'll try to be more brief!
Hey dad, can I sleep over at your wife? I uhhh promise not to seduce her by being younger and more successful than you.
Honestly I think what you have to say is a load of ****. You forget the fact that unfaithful events do happen even if a neutral sleepover event is possible.
Each individual is different. If you can trust your gf with whatever she does, then do it if it makes you happy. If somebody is jelous about their gf having sleepover, who are you to tell that their feelings are wrong? Perhaps after I am done with your wife and you are furious, I could tell that you are wrong to be furious, because me and your wife had such a great time together and if you accepted that everyone would be happy :D
It's really the same thing. Emotions are emotions, and what part of reality they relate to is irrelevant in relation to the value of the emotions themselves.
I agree that emotions are not logical, and therefore no one (not even me) can say what is fact and what is not, when it comes to love.
But your example is not ideal, since its not the outsider (you) that can make or break a relationship between two other people. It is only the people within the relationship that can do that. ie If you asked my partner (hypothetically speaking of course) for a sleepover, although a tad rude, it is up to my partner to accept or decline, and only then does the trust/mistrust begin from the partner NOT you.
In saying that, with a little more wisdom you probably could eventually provide a more in line example that may stump me. I suppose in that case, most if not all relationships between 2 people should never fear others, if they are honestly in love.
'Jealousy is a curse'. What this means is that if you (generally anyone) is jealous, that is NOT the other partners fault. Think of jealousy as a sickness within the person who is jealous only. Your faithful partner does not need to prove themselves or make any change whatsoever to a jealous spouse. The jealous person themselves should try to control this illness to not allow it to manifest to their partner (or publicly) ever.
They can never cure jealousy as it is a 'curse' ;)
By the way, I've just responded to your reply, I haven't even re-read this topic, I hope it was still relevant to topic? But thanks for replying to my reply made 2 years ago :D
I agree to an extent...but as said above, the main problem I see is that she is inviting HIS friend, not a mutual buddy...aside from that, I still stand by a relationship end as the best course of action...dude has issues, but at least he knows...I doubt it would have any chance of working out between them.
IIN That my girlfriend invites other guys over for sleep overs?
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Well...
For one, I think you sound paranoid. I have people, male and female stay over all the time. There's nothing unusual about that, I don't even see why it would be a cause for suspicion unless you're that painfully innocent.
For another, you can't just walk into a brand new relationship and throw your baggage on another person. Your trust issues are *your* problem, not hers. Maybe you should deal with that before pursuing a relationship.
You probably scared her, and insulted her because you wouldn't trust her. I mean, 2 weeks man? That's no time at all and you're already starting arguments over something that probably would have never been an issue.
I don't think that she's the problem here.
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RapidRat
11 years ago
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Thats your opinion, however, thats not how i see it at all, yes, i have trust issues, but having sleep overs with other people so soon into the relationship.. the warning bells went off!
In the past, this type of thing happened, and stuff did happen.. so why should i trust her so soon into the relatuonship.. i would rather leave before she cheats, and find another girl, that see's things eye to eye with me.
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Look, You can downvote me all you want, I'm just trying to help. I think in this situation, with her barely knowing your friend, you had every right to dump her and be suspicious.
But the point I was trying to make is that you cannot project your trust issues onto another person. Why should they have to make special allowances just because you're essentially comparing them to your ex, assuming they'll do the same thing?
And I had a sleepover with other people probably 3 days after I got into my newest relationship (a year ago now). I'm an adult, I live on my own. Friends come over as they please, and often they stay. If it was one of *her* friends rather than yours, would you still be as suspicious? If so, then that's a problem that you need to work on your own.
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RapidRat
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Becuase of my past, yes, i would be suspicious with anyone.
I see what you are saying, but i told her everything about my past, and she understood why i have these trust issues.. but she still ignored them. Thats not somone i want to be involved with.
And i dont downvote anyone for a matter of opinion. That is yours, and i respect that.
I re-upped your vote shade', because you're absolutely right.
True though RapidRat you are still quite young, so there's no blame intended either on you or your Ex, only advice to hopefully helping you.
But the 'trust' issue is only yours, this girl may have been the most trusted person you'll ever meet, or maybe not. When we start a relationship we don't immediately look to the end and see the faults. We build and learn together. You never know, this girl may have helped your 'trust' issues, by being sociable and open, and basically accepting and respecting others whatever they do. ie What if your wife (a long way off from now) needed to go on a business trip to France? Or a girls only holiday to Queensland? You continue to trust and accept her the way she is, if she cheats on you, then you accept it and THEN decide what to do, but NOT before it happens (if ever!)
I read you had a long distance relationship with a girl in Scotland?
What if THIS girl decided to come stay with you? The same applies. Your Gf would need to accept you and trust your actions. If you cheat, then she would need to accept that and THEN decide on the next move.
Your virginity and trust issues, do not give you the right to control her social life, with your friend sleeping over, or someone you don't even know! That is her, and you are you. And you accept her the way she is.
I think you missed an opportunity of great social interaction at an excellent age of 18 with your trusted Gf. It could have lead onto some fun times together. A Gf is NOT your possession and this is what you MUST accept forever.
Next time be a bit more open minded, without any demands. Hopefully this will allow both of you to grow together, for the duration of your Gf/Bf relationship. As someone mentioned earlier, you are not 14 anymore, adults do whatever they want to do, irrespective of any conditions you would prefer.
If you are still confused about what I and shade' are trying to enlighten you on here, please ask again, and I'll try to be more brief!
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Hey dad, can I sleep over at your wife? I uhhh promise not to seduce her by being younger and more successful than you.
Honestly I think what you have to say is a load of ****. You forget the fact that unfaithful events do happen even if a neutral sleepover event is possible.
Each individual is different. If you can trust your gf with whatever she does, then do it if it makes you happy. If somebody is jelous about their gf having sleepover, who are you to tell that their feelings are wrong? Perhaps after I am done with your wife and you are furious, I could tell that you are wrong to be furious, because me and your wife had such a great time together and if you accepted that everyone would be happy :D
It's really the same thing. Emotions are emotions, and what part of reality they relate to is irrelevant in relation to the value of the emotions themselves.
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Dad
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I agree that emotions are not logical, and therefore no one (not even me) can say what is fact and what is not, when it comes to love.
But your example is not ideal, since its not the outsider (you) that can make or break a relationship between two other people. It is only the people within the relationship that can do that. ie If you asked my partner (hypothetically speaking of course) for a sleepover, although a tad rude, it is up to my partner to accept or decline, and only then does the trust/mistrust begin from the partner NOT you.
In saying that, with a little more wisdom you probably could eventually provide a more in line example that may stump me. I suppose in that case, most if not all relationships between 2 people should never fear others, if they are honestly in love.
'Jealousy is a curse'. What this means is that if you (generally anyone) is jealous, that is NOT the other partners fault. Think of jealousy as a sickness within the person who is jealous only. Your faithful partner does not need to prove themselves or make any change whatsoever to a jealous spouse. The jealous person themselves should try to control this illness to not allow it to manifest to their partner (or publicly) ever.
They can never cure jealousy as it is a 'curse' ;)
By the way, I've just responded to your reply, I haven't even re-read this topic, I hope it was still relevant to topic? But thanks for replying to my reply made 2 years ago :D
I agree to an extent...but as said above, the main problem I see is that she is inviting HIS friend, not a mutual buddy...aside from that, I still stand by a relationship end as the best course of action...dude has issues, but at least he knows...I doubt it would have any chance of working out between them.
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shade_ilmaendu
11 years ago
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Yeah, I do agree that's a big weird... unless they were friends for a bit too? O.o
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RapidRat
11 years ago
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They knew eachother for 3 days before i started going out with her.. so i wouldnt say they were friends.
i feel like they are both problematic. they will hate each other for no reason in the end.