Hi there, I too know all about this issue. It started a few years after I was married. I've been married 24 years, and I know now there are few reasons why I do it. First it started because I didn't feel sexy enough for him, he was very emotionally disconnected and rarely ever complimented me but I'd catch him looking at other women and pornography. So when we'd have sex I felt like I wasn't sexy enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, because if I was then he wouldn't be looking at other women, those other women are what he's attracted to. So I would imagine I was actually another woman, that he was having sex with another women that wasn't me that way I would be more comfortable having sex with him. It made sense that he would be hot and horney over another woman (not me), and in my mind since I was the other woman, he'd obviously be turned on so that would turn me on and then I'd be able to have an orgasim. Now all these years later I still do it but for another reason. I now feel sexy and secure with my body so I don't fantasize because of my low self esteem, I fantasize to keep us from connecting emotionally. I've been hurt many many times over the years by him and have built a wall around my heart to keep me safe, and being he is not safe for me I fantasize to protect myself, my heart. Sex is just sex, just physical. No intimacy, nothing spiritual, no connection, just safe. Now he wants connection, he wants intimacy, so what once was fine (me fantasizing) is no longer fine with him. It's something we are working on, but until I feel safe with him, this is what I do. I don't know if anyone else can relate, but the bottom line is this, regardless of why you do it, the outcome is the same, lack of intimacy, it's a hinderance to real connection, which is detrimental to any relationship.
I can relate to you in so many ways. Thank you for sharing this. After writing out my comment to the OP, I came to the conclusion that I don't think I'm ready to give up my emotional disconnection. Not with my husband at this moment because I still don't trust him. I'm honestly not sure if I will ever be able to trust another human being emotionally. After all, we are only human. I have done him wrong too since and only hope he doesn't have to feel the pain from my own mistakes.
IIN that I can only orgasm if I imagine my boyfriend with another girl
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Hi there, I too know all about this issue. It started a few years after I was married. I've been married 24 years, and I know now there are few reasons why I do it. First it started because I didn't feel sexy enough for him, he was very emotionally disconnected and rarely ever complimented me but I'd catch him looking at other women and pornography. So when we'd have sex I felt like I wasn't sexy enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, because if I was then he wouldn't be looking at other women, those other women are what he's attracted to. So I would imagine I was actually another woman, that he was having sex with another women that wasn't me that way I would be more comfortable having sex with him. It made sense that he would be hot and horney over another woman (not me), and in my mind since I was the other woman, he'd obviously be turned on so that would turn me on and then I'd be able to have an orgasim. Now all these years later I still do it but for another reason. I now feel sexy and secure with my body so I don't fantasize because of my low self esteem, I fantasize to keep us from connecting emotionally. I've been hurt many many times over the years by him and have built a wall around my heart to keep me safe, and being he is not safe for me I fantasize to protect myself, my heart. Sex is just sex, just physical. No intimacy, nothing spiritual, no connection, just safe. Now he wants connection, he wants intimacy, so what once was fine (me fantasizing) is no longer fine with him. It's something we are working on, but until I feel safe with him, this is what I do. I don't know if anyone else can relate, but the bottom line is this, regardless of why you do it, the outcome is the same, lack of intimacy, it's a hinderance to real connection, which is detrimental to any relationship.
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RosyLifeWon
2 years ago
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I can relate to you in so many ways. Thank you for sharing this. After writing out my comment to the OP, I came to the conclusion that I don't think I'm ready to give up my emotional disconnection. Not with my husband at this moment because I still don't trust him. I'm honestly not sure if I will ever be able to trust another human being emotionally. After all, we are only human. I have done him wrong too since and only hope he doesn't have to feel the pain from my own mistakes.