Some of what you say makes perfect sense. I think some of my negative feelings might just be pure guilt that in order to come I'm imagine something that in reality would be considered degrading by most people and possibly even myself. When I'm having sex with my bf it's not like I don't enjoy it, it's that I feel bad that I'm enjoying what I'm imagining. I feel even worse that in order to cum I HAVE to imagine him cheating on me. To explain in a bit more detail, I've always been quite a sexual person and I've never been afraid to be open about fantasies etc. i think the problem is that because my bf lied to me and broke the trust I feel like I shouldn't be imagining these things anymore. It's been made worse that whereas before I could cum sometimes without thinking about him with someone else, now it's pretty much impossible if I don't. What's worse is that before when I thought of him with someone else it was in a threesome situation and I was involved, now it's like I'm just a spectator while he's fucking someone in front of me and telling me he prefers her to me, she looks better, feels better, taste better etc. I'm just finding it really disturbing that I would have to feel so degraded to be able to orgasm. Am I trying to hurt myself before he hurts me or are these just normal sexual fantasies I don't know how to process correctly?
Regarding the 'rape'...
I wasn't a virgin when this happened, I'm from a very sexually liberated household, my mother always made me feel like love was love and sex was sex. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't told to sleep around or anything, I was just told sex was supposed to be enjoyable and that I should feel free to do what I wanted and not confuse it with love or expect a boy to love me via sex and vice versa. I think this is the reason I never kiss during sex when I first meet someone unless I know I want more than sex. I lost my virginity at 13, very young I know but, I was in a relationship for 11 months with a 16 yr old before it happened. We were both virgins, totally wrapped up in each other and it was a beautiful experience which I've never regretted. We splitt up about 8 months after but I can't remember who 'dumped' who. My second sexual experience was with someone a lot older and I did it to get back at my first boyfriend when i found out a month or so after breaking up he had cheated on me with about 6 girls in college. I met him through some other mates. It wasn't good, it wasn't horrible but it was basically nothing. Then I got raped. I've struggled with this for years because it was like a 'date rape' situation. I bunked off school to smoke weed at a mates house with him and his mate, they gave me drugs (tamazipam) and alcohol and then 'suggested' we all fuck. I went along with it and partly even enjoyed it up till a point where I felt trapped and pinned down and I knew I was being taken advantage of. They didn't attack me or anything like that, it just made me feel disgusting and I knew they knew they were wrong. I didn't tell anyone cos I put myself in the situation and I didn't want my mum knowing I took the drugs. A year later one of them got 4 years for raping a girl and dumping her out of his car. I should have said something then but I didn't and I still just can't. I know that's bad but if they knew how much they affected me I think it would be worse than the event itself. Ive always acted like it never happened cos i didn't want to feel like their victim or anything. sorry for such a long reply but it is quite a complex problem for me.
IIN that I can only orgasm if I imagine my boyfriend with another girl
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Some of what you say makes perfect sense. I think some of my negative feelings might just be pure guilt that in order to come I'm imagine something that in reality would be considered degrading by most people and possibly even myself. When I'm having sex with my bf it's not like I don't enjoy it, it's that I feel bad that I'm enjoying what I'm imagining. I feel even worse that in order to cum I HAVE to imagine him cheating on me. To explain in a bit more detail, I've always been quite a sexual person and I've never been afraid to be open about fantasies etc. i think the problem is that because my bf lied to me and broke the trust I feel like I shouldn't be imagining these things anymore. It's been made worse that whereas before I could cum sometimes without thinking about him with someone else, now it's pretty much impossible if I don't. What's worse is that before when I thought of him with someone else it was in a threesome situation and I was involved, now it's like I'm just a spectator while he's fucking someone in front of me and telling me he prefers her to me, she looks better, feels better, taste better etc. I'm just finding it really disturbing that I would have to feel so degraded to be able to orgasm. Am I trying to hurt myself before he hurts me or are these just normal sexual fantasies I don't know how to process correctly?
Regarding the 'rape'...
I wasn't a virgin when this happened, I'm from a very sexually liberated household, my mother always made me feel like love was love and sex was sex. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't told to sleep around or anything, I was just told sex was supposed to be enjoyable and that I should feel free to do what I wanted and not confuse it with love or expect a boy to love me via sex and vice versa. I think this is the reason I never kiss during sex when I first meet someone unless I know I want more than sex. I lost my virginity at 13, very young I know but, I was in a relationship for 11 months with a 16 yr old before it happened. We were both virgins, totally wrapped up in each other and it was a beautiful experience which I've never regretted. We splitt up about 8 months after but I can't remember who 'dumped' who. My second sexual experience was with someone a lot older and I did it to get back at my first boyfriend when i found out a month or so after breaking up he had cheated on me with about 6 girls in college. I met him through some other mates. It wasn't good, it wasn't horrible but it was basically nothing. Then I got raped. I've struggled with this for years because it was like a 'date rape' situation. I bunked off school to smoke weed at a mates house with him and his mate, they gave me drugs (tamazipam) and alcohol and then 'suggested' we all fuck. I went along with it and partly even enjoyed it up till a point where I felt trapped and pinned down and I knew I was being taken advantage of. They didn't attack me or anything like that, it just made me feel disgusting and I knew they knew they were wrong. I didn't tell anyone cos I put myself in the situation and I didn't want my mum knowing I took the drugs. A year later one of them got 4 years for raping a girl and dumping her out of his car. I should have said something then but I didn't and I still just can't. I know that's bad but if they knew how much they affected me I think it would be worse than the event itself. Ive always acted like it never happened cos i didn't want to feel like their victim or anything. sorry for such a long reply but it is quite a complex problem for me.