Wow, what a unique problem. I don't think there's a thing wrong with your fantasies or you reaction to your boyfriend gallivanting about facebook. You're not a control freak. I'm concerned with your feeling disgusting, worthless, and degraded after sex. People who have been raised in strict anti-sex household usually feel guilt after orgasm, not what you described. It kind of made perfect sense when you said that you were raped, not to mention at such a malleable age, by two people. I'm assuming your virginity was stolen as well, which makes the matter even sadder.
There's nothing I can say to quell your thoughts. It sounds like you are disassociating from sex when you imagine your partner with another girl. I am no expert, if there is such a thing, but I feel like the other woman, symbolically, is your body, but not you. Which is why you orgasm, but suddenly feel terrible when you realize it is you who has just been penetrated. [which I'm very sorry to imply, is you subconsciously reliving a traumatic event]
There's another thing that seems like a real possibility here. You say that you feel worthless, disgusting and degraded [which are typical post-rape emotions] after orgasm but then snap back to normal. Is it possible that you always feel this way about yourself without actively thinking about it? People's bodies have a way of keeping them at a pretty constant (and therefore neutral) level of "okay"-ness, happiness, sadness, etc. In other words, people are likely to be suspended in a feeling they have frequently encountered, even if they hate feeling it. Depressed people usually "try" to be happy but are discouraged when their physiology sends their mood plummeting after a few moments of happiness, jest, or calmness. I digress a little, but an orgasm is a sudden transient upshot of happy and pain alleviating hormones and nerve impulses. Is it possible, that after you "come down" you are just extremely sensitive to your general state of emotions (which become overwhelming in contrast to an orgasm)?
Maybe everything I just said doesn't apply to you, lol so disregard the lengthiness. Your story is really rather captivating in a heartbreaking way. I'm very sorry that happened to you so many years ago. I don't know if you've had counselling regarding it, but it's important for you to know that it wasn't your fault; you are absolutely not worthless, not disgusting, and not degraded! I think that you should have serious talks with rape trauma counselors, and just plain therapists.
IIN that I can only orgasm if I imagine my boyfriend with another girl
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Wow, what a unique problem. I don't think there's a thing wrong with your fantasies or you reaction to your boyfriend gallivanting about facebook. You're not a control freak. I'm concerned with your feeling disgusting, worthless, and degraded after sex. People who have been raised in strict anti-sex household usually feel guilt after orgasm, not what you described. It kind of made perfect sense when you said that you were raped, not to mention at such a malleable age, by two people. I'm assuming your virginity was stolen as well, which makes the matter even sadder.
There's nothing I can say to quell your thoughts. It sounds like you are disassociating from sex when you imagine your partner with another girl. I am no expert, if there is such a thing, but I feel like the other woman, symbolically, is your body, but not you. Which is why you orgasm, but suddenly feel terrible when you realize it is you who has just been penetrated. [which I'm very sorry to imply, is you subconsciously reliving a traumatic event]
There's another thing that seems like a real possibility here. You say that you feel worthless, disgusting and degraded [which are typical post-rape emotions] after orgasm but then snap back to normal. Is it possible that you always feel this way about yourself without actively thinking about it? People's bodies have a way of keeping them at a pretty constant (and therefore neutral) level of "okay"-ness, happiness, sadness, etc. In other words, people are likely to be suspended in a feeling they have frequently encountered, even if they hate feeling it. Depressed people usually "try" to be happy but are discouraged when their physiology sends their mood plummeting after a few moments of happiness, jest, or calmness. I digress a little, but an orgasm is a sudden transient upshot of happy and pain alleviating hormones and nerve impulses. Is it possible, that after you "come down" you are just extremely sensitive to your general state of emotions (which become overwhelming in contrast to an orgasm)?
Maybe everything I just said doesn't apply to you, lol so disregard the lengthiness. Your story is really rather captivating in a heartbreaking way. I'm very sorry that happened to you so many years ago. I don't know if you've had counselling regarding it, but it's important for you to know that it wasn't your fault; you are absolutely not worthless, not disgusting, and not degraded! I think that you should have serious talks with rape trauma counselors, and just plain therapists.