Is it normal my daughter is being terribly disrespectful and whiny?

I keep on trying to tell her to do things but she doesn't care. She does it whenever she feels like it, not when I tell her to.
I've told her to wash the dishes but she always waits an hour before she bothers to do them, and doesn't care how many times I tell her to.
Whenever I remind her that this is MY house and I pay the rent and I make the rules, she gets mad at me!
Worst of all, she talks back and tells me I'm being a hypocrite. I am working so hard and doing so much but that doesn't matter to her. Why should I have to listen to her?
I am the one that needs more respect, not her.

I have been trying to make her act more respectable but she thinks she can act totally independent of me and what I ask of her.

EDIT:
Apparently she doesn't even know what she is going to do for college. She wants me to use my money to pay for her education and she doesn't even have the slightest idea as to what she is doing.
She has so much potential, and she is going to waste it.
I was always there to make sure she did well in school, that she passed all her tests and that she took advanced classes, and this is what she does with it. She doesn't even want to get a nice high paying job like a lawyer or an accountant because it's "boring."
Well life isn't fair, so you should be grateful to have a chance at such a good job. Stop complaining and take what you've been given.
If she continues on this path I am not going to let her rob me of my time and money. If she doesn't like the way I run things then she is going to have to deal with college alone.
I will cut off all financial ties and force her to live on her own. If she proves that she can do something with her life then she can come back.
If not then have fun trying to convince your father to help you.

Voting Results
76% Normal
Based on 25 votes (19 yes)
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Comments ( 43 )
  • Kevinevan

    Everyone hates being told what and when to do something. Your daughter is a human being not your slave. Have you sat down and made a list of responsibilities (chores) for her to do daily, weekly, monthly etc? Make a list and allow her the freedom to get them done within a specific time period. Your dishes example, an hour seems pretty reasonable to me. Why must they be done when you say so? Is there a reason they need doing immediately after dinner? She may just like to relax after a meal and get to the dishes in an hour. What's the harm in that? If there is a.good reason then explain to her what it is.

    BTW. Unless she is over 18 then it is her home also not just yours. Your are responsible for her until 18. After that you can micromanage all you want. Until then you should BOTH treat each other with respect.

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    • If anything she is treating me like a slave.
      She puts off her work just to get a reaction out of me. She probably wouldn't do them at all if I didn't tell her to.
      She will get respect once she can fulfill her responsibilities like a mature adult instead of acting so immature.

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      • Kevinevan

        How old is she.

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        • 17

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  • Ellenna

    She sounds like a typical teenager to me, testing boundaries and wanting to be independent of her parent. Totally normal, although annoying while it lasts.

    When my daughter was a teenager I got some good results by asking her if she thought it was fair that I do all the work around the place and work hard at a job I hated (cleaning) to support us both. Asking her that in a quiet respectful way instead of telling her what to do worked wonders.

    I'll bet if you think about it, you'd find you yourself are more inclined to do something if you're asked rather than being ordered to.

    Do you discuss the rules with her? Does she understand your financial situation? She wants to be independent while still dependent on you because of her age and this is a difficult time for everyone.

    You could also try the old formula of "When you .......... (whatever it is) I feel ......... and I'd love it if you'd ........." That's no-judgmental and being clear with her about how her behavior affects you rather than judging her or bossing her around.

    Good luck! Adolescence will pass, then she'll leave home and you'll miss her like hell - believe me, I know!

    Oh another thought: do you do fun things together? Shopping, movies, going out for a coffee? It's hard work being a mum and hard work being a teenager: don't forget there are good things you can share and good luck!

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    • Why should I have to accommodate for her? She already knows the rules.
      I'm tired of her taking her time and sloppily cleaning when I already showed her what to do. She should do her chores no questions asked; we've been through these conversations already.

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      • bob7

        She should do her chores no questions asked ?

        She puts up the dishes an hour before doing them , but eventually does

        Im 100% on the side of ur daughter , you chose to be a parent ,not a slave owner , if you wanted a slave u cant get one by giving birth to them

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        • She needs to learn someday that when people ask you to do something you have to do it. If her boss asked her to do work would she still have that job if she put it off?? No.

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  • AntiArchon

    You sound like a cold mom.. yes you put a roof over their heads and food on their table but that isn't enough.. you should be warm and loving and show unconditional love like a mother should.. if you were raised by cold parents you shouldn't continue the cycle and do better.. btw why did you have children? is it just so you have a piggy bank and someone to take care of you when your older?.. you sound like a narcissistic mother tbh, maybe thats why your kids act this way.. study psychology and learn the effects of cold and controlling parents on a child's brain.. there are way worse and abusive parents out there but that doesn't mean your a good one.. plus your daughter just sounds like a normal teenager., doing the dishes an hour late is the problem??., then your lucky..

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    • I've tried to be nice in the past. She just wants to be by herself and do as she pleases.
      When I was younger I had rigid structure in our house and I was better for it. It taught me to be mature and organized: two qualities most children lack these days.

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      • Ellenna

        No, OP, it taught you to be controlling

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  • shade_ilmaendu

    Honestly, you sound like you're the one who needs to step back. Your daughter is in a tumultuous time in any teens life, and sounds like she wants and desperately needs space to figure herself out. You threatening to disown her for not being an obedient, docile laborer to you is doing nothing but creating a schism between you two that will never be repaired if you don't start to treat her with respect.

    I see this problem in my workplace constantly. Our GM is just like you. Demmanding, yelling, constantly demmanding perfection and threatening termination and lost hours as soon as an employee has an issue. And it's gotten to the point where I've lost progress I've made in training the people I'm in charge of, because some people don't respond well to that sort of communication (In fact I'd posit that most people don't) and are now shrinking and afraid of losing their job and underperforming as a result.

    You're not there to command her. You certainly can't force her into a career she will be miserable in because of your own expectations of her. You're her MOTHER. You're supposed to love and help your children to find their own place in the world, not shove them into a role that you see fit for them. That is not your place.

    I think if you come at her from a place of respecting her as your daughter and a fellow human being, you would actually see results. What you're doing now is only going to push her away, ruin your relationship with her and possibly leave her with lasting psychological damage.

    You don't seem to care about the advice anyone here is giving to you, but I pray for her sake you reconsider your stance. If you truly do care about her, you need to make her aware of that, because right now you're dong exactly the opposite.

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  • Grunewald

    Just read your post and the first question that came into my head was: do you love your daughter? As in, not just in a general sort of way, but do you actually FEEL love for her, the sort of love that tolerates you saying 'jump' and her *not* saying 'how high'? Your daughter needs that love. If you can't give it right now because you have been hurt or broken, or because your relationship with her is broken, there are ways of repairing it. I truly recommend you do that. What you are describng - and even more the way you are describing it - sound like the symptom of an undrelying problem in your relationship that is not going to be solved by her unconditional obedience to everything you say. Because she might obey if you threaten her with abandonment - she is not abke to support herself after all, and is forced by her own vulnerability. But it will be a form of blackmail and will undermine her dignity, and she will hate you for it. When you are vulnerable to her in your old age and the boot is on the other foot, what would be worse: that she force you to obey her every command instantaneously without question because you're too poor and infirm to say no to her, or that she abandon you completely? Preying on someone's relative vulnerability to control them against their will is called bullying and it is an assault on a person's dignity and sense of worth. Even if she WANTS to do the 'right' thing and care for her elderly mother later on, if she flies the family nest broken because her relationship with you wasn't what it should have been, you will have made it very, very hard for her to come back.

    I think I was in your daughter's position once. I sometimes felt like my mother seldom ever spoke to me except to give me orders or criticise me for something. I longed for a pair of arms to unconditionally enfold me, ears to listen unjudgingly, patience for my shortfalls, and forbearance to tolerate my inadequate offerings. But she did not provide those things. My teachers at school did. Consequently, if my teachers told me to jump off a bridge I would have done, and when my mother told me to wash the dishes RIGHT NOW I'd tarry an hour, even though I knew punishment would be waiting for me - because, well, wasn't punishment always waiting for me, with her? I couldn't do right for wrong with mother, she seemed to just yell atcme whenever she wanted someone to yell at. It didn't matter what I did. I asked her for emotional support and she threw my problems back at my face saying they were all my fault and that I deserved no sympathy, or stored them up to use as ammunition later. She would fly at me jn these unpredictable rages, force me to do unecessary things, call me names, tell me I was trash, that I didn't have any friends, andnother things like that. I would listen to it and feel like I was standing outside of myself, and watch my humanity die. Trusting my mother became an emotional hazard. I wanted to, but when I did it just made everything hurt more. Now in my mid twenties I still haven't developed the emotional skills I've needed to survive a relationship or a job.

    Rethink your relationship with her. She desperately needs you to be a safe place for her. But by your words and actions, you can do her a lot of harm, and if she doesn't feel safe, she will seek out 'mother figures' in other people - and end up with dysfunctional relationships like I did.

    A 17 year old girl needs affirmation and respect, and to feel like her contributions are valued.

    Also, if you try to choose her career for her then either you will invite rebellion or she will change later, and go back to school to study something else possibly believig that she had 'wasted' the former part of her life.

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    • I may not be a perfect mother but I am doing my best.
      She doesn't want to talk to me and shuts herself off in her room. I am extending the olive branch and she chooses not to take it.

      I don't know when this started happening either; it came out of nowhere.
      If she wants respect then she needs to give me some first; she needs to learn this when she gets out into the real world.

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      • Grunewald

        I understand it must be very disorientating for you. Why don't you try to be the first to show respect, instead? You need to be in the lead, setting the behavioural example. She is not going to learn respect until you teach her how it's done. She may not show any in return at first, and may throw it back in your face - but love isn't a transaction. It'll take her a while to learn to trust. This means that you need to be the bigger person, the more patient person, he person who is content to suffer more for the other and possibly end up losing face. But you're the adult and she's the child, so you should take that burden instead of her - she'll learn as she gets older how to be the bigger person but she doesn't have he experience or the wisdom yet. Be patient as she learns, make yourself a 'safe place' for her so that she can come to you if she wants to. If anything you say or do to her, or the way you speak to her, would outrage you if it were done to you by someone else, don't do it.

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        • She knows better than that. She has shown me respect in the past but has randomly decided not to anymore.
          She used to show me her homework every time she came from school, told me everything she needed to do for the week and was polite about it. Now she just talks in grunts and nods.
          When we are out with other people she acts pleasant but not when we're at home. She doesn't even want to go outside half the time, even though she would probably have fun.
          It is not a matter of learning because I've already taught her how to be kind and respectful. It is a matter of her putting those lessons into use.

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  • Boojum

    Some reasonable, well-argued comments, but some sound like they come from teenagers who never grew up.

    Clearly, neither you nor your daughter are happy living together. Once she's an adult, you don't need to live together.

    I agree with you: if she wants to be independent, then let her be independent. She'll quickly learn just how much you've dealt with on her behalf.

    If you're willing to support her while she gets a degree, but only if she has a long-term plan, make that the condition for the financial support. There's no cosmic law that you have to start college immediately after finishing high school. If she spends some time living independently in the real world and matures emotionally a little, she might decide what she wants to do with her life. Then you can be a good parent and help her achieve that goal.

    However, I would say that you demanding that she get a degree that leads to a "nice, high-earning job" would be shallow and materialistic. Being an accountant or lawyer might be your definition of a successful life, but the accountants and lawyers in their shiny new cars and big houses are doing a pretty good job of totally screwing up the world for the rest of us.

    A good parent wants their child to find their true vocation and work at something that gives them joy and makes the world a better place.

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    • I'm not going to financially support her at all after she is 18. It isn't worth it if she is leaning towards a useless job (that doesn't pay well and doesn't "make the world a better place") or useless degree.

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  • Holzman_67

    well tolerance and respect is a two way street
    if you are being tolerant and respectful of her and she is still treating you this way then you need to have a calm conversation with her and leave your emotions or greivances out of it.

    A good quote I read is that someone, when engaged in an argument/discussion, must always remain dispassionate about what they feel passionate about.

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  • Notthtgreat

    Typical child tht the challenge tht every parents face it

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  • e51pegasi

    My 13 year old nephew is exactly the same.

    Idle, truculent, full of self entitlement & monosyllabic. He calls his mother & grandmother the most awful & disrespectful names. I think he thinks he can get away with it because he is way bigger than they are.

    It is very easy to bitch about the younger generation & teenagers have always been hard work. I know I was a shit when I was a youth, (as my mother takes great pleasure in reminding me on a regular basis) but nowhere near as bad as he is. If he was my son he wouldn't get away with a quarter of what he does now.

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    • My daughter doesn't call me names (if she did she would regret it.) Nowadays people get upset if you try to control your own children. They act as if you need to do everything for your children and have them do as they please.
      It is ridiculous.

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      • Ellenna

        You expect her to be a mature adult at 17 but you still want to control her? Do you ever listen to yourself?

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        • I'm only controlling her because she can't control herself. Once she is 18 she can mess up her own life all she wants, but right now she is under MY roof.

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          • Ellenna

            And how will she learn self control if you're always controlling her? There's something seriously wrong with you and I feel very sorry for your daughter

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  • Tomterrifc

    If she acts independent then give her her freedom. Kick her out. She sounds as if she is of age. Is she?

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    • She is 17. As soon as she turns 18 I am kicking her out and showing her how much she needs me. She will understand the importance of obedience once she faces college on her own.

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      • bob7

        You kicking her out because she doesnt do chores in the instant you tell her to ?

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        • I'm kicking her out because she thinks she is above me. If she is so desperate to be independent then I will let her.

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      • If you think people should obey you then you are the problem.

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  • teendicksuckers

    Give her a bare bottom spanking

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  • HeadlessSlayer

    You should reward her for doing chores, not only punish her if she doesn't.

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    • Why do I need to reward her for something she is expected to do?

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  • You sound like you nag too much.

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  • tozergrate

    If washing up isn't done it's harder work when she gets round to it. But that's her problem.

    If you need to use the kitchen in the meantime then just add to it and she can do that, too. But if she does it at all then that's a start in all honesty. Our kids are the same - not keen - but they do do it. Sometimes they leave it, too, and then come back to it. It's irritating, but not actually for any good reason. I've always tried to avoid making it a battle ground, if I don't absolutely have to - my wife, too. Once it gets to be a constant fight then it's no fun and I know from my own childhood that once it went that way it only got worse.

    We have a rota, and some rules about when they are at home on their own. Sometimes they come up short, but if they do it too much there will be consequences and they are aware of that.

    Works for us. I think if there's no flexibility it's gonna be a tough ride.

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  • russsugar

    did you teach her to be responsible and treat you respectfully while growing up?

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    • Yes, and yet she decides to act this way. I can't believe it.

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      • Kevinevan

        It doesn't sound like you did tbh. Micromanaging someone to the point they do sloppy work and talk back means the teacher failed. Some people respond to your dictatorial approach, others rebel against it. I'm the latter. If given a list and the freedom to accomplish it on a schedule i will work so hard your head will spin. If im stood over and barked at i will be a living nightmare for you.

        Just saying.

        Maybe you need to learn more about how to effectively manager your daugther.

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        • How am I acting dictatorial for telling her what needs to be done? She already knows how to do it right too.
          I'm trying to get her to consistently do it when it has to be done.

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          • Kevinevan

            You're telling her it needs to be done when you say so. Since you don't give specifics other than she does dishes after an hour I assume you want it done immediately after a meal? Why? Some people like to enjoy their meal and let it settle after.

            If I'm off base correct me.

            Just from the tone of your writing you sound like a dictator to me. Sorry just my take. I'd hazard a guess she does em half assed cause you piss her off with your constant nagging and lack of explination as to why dishes "have" to be done immediately.

            You can't even tell ME why.

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            • If I just let her do it whenever she feels like she will think she can do whatever she wants. It is about keeping structure in the house.
              I am also making her do her own laundry. She can do that just fine, but dishes? "I'll get to it later."
              If she keeps this up she will end up like her older brother.

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