I think I am just at disbelief that you think he is right and I am in the wrong. Im trying to connect all the dots here but I still feel like he's messing with me.
Everything you said makes sense but when I trace it back to whats actually happening between me and my bf, I wish what you said was the case but its not. For some reason, Im just not convinced thaat he's being honest with me. At the end of the day, I think he shouldve just said it doesn't matter to meet his family or not then I wouldn't be questioning what do I mean to him. If it is important like he says, he wouldn't have taken his "meaningless fling" to meet them.
But I guess he doesn't find a difference between hanging w his sister and taking me to a family function since he said hanging out with his sister was already a good indicator of how much I mean to him. But then that would mean his fling meant something of importance to him too if he took her to a family function and probably didn't work out in the end. With that being said, he is still a liar. Why? because he couldve just told me that she did mean something to him which is FINE rather than referring to her as whatever or meaningless. I think he thought he was telling me what I wanted to hear instead of being honest. I think he wanted to make me feel more important than her when really, he was contradicting himself. And if he's calling her a plaything then I wonder what he would call me. Ugh... Do you get what I'm saying?
I'll just never know what to believe with him.
Yes I followed that completely. You are saying that this really has nothing to do with meeting his family. You are just using that as a pointless rationalization in your head.
It really has to do with the fact that he treated some other girl poorly in the past, and so you find it hard to trust him, because if that is how he treats girls, why should you be any different?
You are looking for "proof" that he treats you better, because you are more special. This family thing is really just something random that you latched on to in your mind as a bellwether for that proof.
That is a fools errand and you will drive yourself crazy doing it. Trust is something that builds over time based on more general factors. If you start making a list of what you feel you do and do not deserve, you will drive yourself crazy, and if you can not learn to develop normal and healthy trust, your relationship will fail.
There is no magic bullet for trust, and no guarantees. It is very much a leap of faith. When you are ready to take it you will just know.
I don't think the family thing is so random since we have emphasized that we agree meeting his family is an important event to distinguish how important I mean to him. And also, he takes his family really seriously so thats why I think its just something I also naturally consider of importance in our relationship.
So then what are those "general factors" you believe trust is built on?
You are asking for specifics. General is the opposite of specific. I am telling you not to look for specific indicators at all. Trust develops naturally over time. If you try to point to something specific like meeting his family you will go crazy.
It is a feeling, an emotion, you can't force it. Clearly you don't have it now. But when you get it you will know because you won't be stressing like you are now. For some people it never comes, and any relationship will fail without it. If you are unable to trust someone you are wasting your time.
There is also no guarantees that trust once given and received, won't be broken. This is all just part of building and maintaining a relationship.
You seem like the type of person who likes to have a blueprint and instructions for everything. If you do x, than y will happen. If I say x then he should do/say y. Life just doesn't work that way. It's a lot more messy and complicated than that.
So basically I am saying just deal with it and see what happens, and don't get so focused on any one thing. That may not me what you want to here, but I don't make the rules of life.
IIN if he took his fling to a holiday w his family but not his gf?
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I think I am just at disbelief that you think he is right and I am in the wrong. Im trying to connect all the dots here but I still feel like he's messing with me.
Everything you said makes sense but when I trace it back to whats actually happening between me and my bf, I wish what you said was the case but its not. For some reason, Im just not convinced thaat he's being honest with me. At the end of the day, I think he shouldve just said it doesn't matter to meet his family or not then I wouldn't be questioning what do I mean to him. If it is important like he says, he wouldn't have taken his "meaningless fling" to meet them.
But I guess he doesn't find a difference between hanging w his sister and taking me to a family function since he said hanging out with his sister was already a good indicator of how much I mean to him. But then that would mean his fling meant something of importance to him too if he took her to a family function and probably didn't work out in the end. With that being said, he is still a liar. Why? because he couldve just told me that she did mean something to him which is FINE rather than referring to her as whatever or meaningless. I think he thought he was telling me what I wanted to hear instead of being honest. I think he wanted to make me feel more important than her when really, he was contradicting himself. And if he's calling her a plaything then I wonder what he would call me. Ugh... Do you get what I'm saying?
I'll just never know what to believe with him.
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VinnyB
8 years ago
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Yes I followed that completely. You are saying that this really has nothing to do with meeting his family. You are just using that as a pointless rationalization in your head.
It really has to do with the fact that he treated some other girl poorly in the past, and so you find it hard to trust him, because if that is how he treats girls, why should you be any different?
You are looking for "proof" that he treats you better, because you are more special. This family thing is really just something random that you latched on to in your mind as a bellwether for that proof.
That is a fools errand and you will drive yourself crazy doing it. Trust is something that builds over time based on more general factors. If you start making a list of what you feel you do and do not deserve, you will drive yourself crazy, and if you can not learn to develop normal and healthy trust, your relationship will fail.
There is no magic bullet for trust, and no guarantees. It is very much a leap of faith. When you are ready to take it you will just know.
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Anonymous Post Author
8 years ago
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Yes.
I don't think the family thing is so random since we have emphasized that we agree meeting his family is an important event to distinguish how important I mean to him. And also, he takes his family really seriously so thats why I think its just something I also naturally consider of importance in our relationship.
So then what are those "general factors" you believe trust is built on?
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VinnyB
8 years ago
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You are asking for specifics. General is the opposite of specific. I am telling you not to look for specific indicators at all. Trust develops naturally over time. If you try to point to something specific like meeting his family you will go crazy.
It is a feeling, an emotion, you can't force it. Clearly you don't have it now. But when you get it you will know because you won't be stressing like you are now. For some people it never comes, and any relationship will fail without it. If you are unable to trust someone you are wasting your time.
There is also no guarantees that trust once given and received, won't be broken. This is all just part of building and maintaining a relationship.
You seem like the type of person who likes to have a blueprint and instructions for everything. If you do x, than y will happen. If I say x then he should do/say y. Life just doesn't work that way. It's a lot more messy and complicated than that.
So basically I am saying just deal with it and see what happens, and don't get so focused on any one thing. That may not me what you want to here, but I don't make the rules of life.