You are not even responding to what I am actually saying, you are just repeating yourself over and over. I am not disputing that meeting his family is important. I have made that clear over and over, so please stop saying it.
My problem is that just meeting his family is not what you are complaining about. You are complaining that she got to meet them at a family holiday, and you didn't. maybe he said it was important to meet them, but I don't believe from what you have said that he said that he specifically thinks it is important that you meet them at a family holiday event.
He feels that you have already met some family, specifically his sister. He acknowledged that was important according the his quote you previously posted.
What he doesn't seem to think, is that there is a certain timeline on which you must be introduced to everyone, and he doesn't seem to think that it MUST be at a family holiday function, and he doesn't seem to think that the timeline that some other girl met them must be followed or exceeded by you. I agree with him on all these things.
So please do NOT NOT NOT NOT say one more time that it is important for you to meet his entire family at some point. I agree with that and have never said I do not.
But do I think what he did with another girl is relevant in any way to your relationship? No
Do I think that meeting you sister and speaking to other family members counts as meeting his family, at least in part? Yes
Do I think it matters if you meet his family at a family holiday function or not? No
Do I believe that there is a specific timeframe that he must introduce you in? No
Do I think that the fact that you have not been to a family function must mean something about the way he feels about you? No. There are a million other possible reasons for this.
Do I think you obsessing over, and overthinking all of this is silly? Yes
I don't know how I could make my opinion any clearer, so if you still don't understand what I am saying, then I don't know what else to say.
By the way, this is my opinion, you don't have to agree with it, and I don't understand why you are trying so hard to change my opinion. I am just responding your questions and comments regarding what I am saying. I don't care if you agree with me or not. But you seem to be really trying to convince me that you are right and your boyfriend is wrong. Why do you care what I think?
That is not the point of the web site. The point it to get 3rd party opinions on a situation. When you ask for that there is a chance some opinions may conflict with your own. But you don't seem to want that. You seem to just want others to validate your point of view, and you just go on and on when they don't. It is not my obligation to agree with you. You asked for an opinion on your situation and I gave one. Accept it, or don't, that is your choice. I really don't care. But either way, let it go.
I think I am just at disbelief that you think he is right and I am in the wrong. Im trying to connect all the dots here but I still feel like he's messing with me.
Everything you said makes sense but when I trace it back to whats actually happening between me and my bf, I wish what you said was the case but its not. For some reason, Im just not convinced thaat he's being honest with me. At the end of the day, I think he shouldve just said it doesn't matter to meet his family or not then I wouldn't be questioning what do I mean to him. If it is important like he says, he wouldn't have taken his "meaningless fling" to meet them.
But I guess he doesn't find a difference between hanging w his sister and taking me to a family function since he said hanging out with his sister was already a good indicator of how much I mean to him. But then that would mean his fling meant something of importance to him too if he took her to a family function and probably didn't work out in the end. With that being said, he is still a liar. Why? because he couldve just told me that she did mean something to him which is FINE rather than referring to her as whatever or meaningless. I think he thought he was telling me what I wanted to hear instead of being honest. I think he wanted to make me feel more important than her when really, he was contradicting himself. And if he's calling her a plaything then I wonder what he would call me. Ugh... Do you get what I'm saying?
I'll just never know what to believe with him.
Yes I followed that completely. You are saying that this really has nothing to do with meeting his family. You are just using that as a pointless rationalization in your head.
It really has to do with the fact that he treated some other girl poorly in the past, and so you find it hard to trust him, because if that is how he treats girls, why should you be any different?
You are looking for "proof" that he treats you better, because you are more special. This family thing is really just something random that you latched on to in your mind as a bellwether for that proof.
That is a fools errand and you will drive yourself crazy doing it. Trust is something that builds over time based on more general factors. If you start making a list of what you feel you do and do not deserve, you will drive yourself crazy, and if you can not learn to develop normal and healthy trust, your relationship will fail.
There is no magic bullet for trust, and no guarantees. It is very much a leap of faith. When you are ready to take it you will just know.
I don't think the family thing is so random since we have emphasized that we agree meeting his family is an important event to distinguish how important I mean to him. And also, he takes his family really seriously so thats why I think its just something I also naturally consider of importance in our relationship.
So then what are those "general factors" you believe trust is built on?
You are asking for specifics. General is the opposite of specific. I am telling you not to look for specific indicators at all. Trust develops naturally over time. If you try to point to something specific like meeting his family you will go crazy.
It is a feeling, an emotion, you can't force it. Clearly you don't have it now. But when you get it you will know because you won't be stressing like you are now. For some people it never comes, and any relationship will fail without it. If you are unable to trust someone you are wasting your time.
There is also no guarantees that trust once given and received, won't be broken. This is all just part of building and maintaining a relationship.
You seem like the type of person who likes to have a blueprint and instructions for everything. If you do x, than y will happen. If I say x then he should do/say y. Life just doesn't work that way. It's a lot more messy and complicated than that.
So basically I am saying just deal with it and see what happens, and don't get so focused on any one thing. That may not me what you want to here, but I don't make the rules of life.
IIN if he took his fling to a holiday w his family but not his gf?
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You are not even responding to what I am actually saying, you are just repeating yourself over and over. I am not disputing that meeting his family is important. I have made that clear over and over, so please stop saying it.
My problem is that just meeting his family is not what you are complaining about. You are complaining that she got to meet them at a family holiday, and you didn't. maybe he said it was important to meet them, but I don't believe from what you have said that he said that he specifically thinks it is important that you meet them at a family holiday event.
He feels that you have already met some family, specifically his sister. He acknowledged that was important according the his quote you previously posted.
What he doesn't seem to think, is that there is a certain timeline on which you must be introduced to everyone, and he doesn't seem to think that it MUST be at a family holiday function, and he doesn't seem to think that the timeline that some other girl met them must be followed or exceeded by you. I agree with him on all these things.
So please do NOT NOT NOT NOT say one more time that it is important for you to meet his entire family at some point. I agree with that and have never said I do not.
But do I think what he did with another girl is relevant in any way to your relationship? No
Do I think that meeting you sister and speaking to other family members counts as meeting his family, at least in part? Yes
Do I think it matters if you meet his family at a family holiday function or not? No
Do I believe that there is a specific timeframe that he must introduce you in? No
Do I think that the fact that you have not been to a family function must mean something about the way he feels about you? No. There are a million other possible reasons for this.
Do I think you obsessing over, and overthinking all of this is silly? Yes
I don't know how I could make my opinion any clearer, so if you still don't understand what I am saying, then I don't know what else to say.
By the way, this is my opinion, you don't have to agree with it, and I don't understand why you are trying so hard to change my opinion. I am just responding your questions and comments regarding what I am saying. I don't care if you agree with me or not. But you seem to be really trying to convince me that you are right and your boyfriend is wrong. Why do you care what I think?
That is not the point of the web site. The point it to get 3rd party opinions on a situation. When you ask for that there is a chance some opinions may conflict with your own. But you don't seem to want that. You seem to just want others to validate your point of view, and you just go on and on when they don't. It is not my obligation to agree with you. You asked for an opinion on your situation and I gave one. Accept it, or don't, that is your choice. I really don't care. But either way, let it go.
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Anonymous Post Author
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I think I am just at disbelief that you think he is right and I am in the wrong. Im trying to connect all the dots here but I still feel like he's messing with me.
Everything you said makes sense but when I trace it back to whats actually happening between me and my bf, I wish what you said was the case but its not. For some reason, Im just not convinced thaat he's being honest with me. At the end of the day, I think he shouldve just said it doesn't matter to meet his family or not then I wouldn't be questioning what do I mean to him. If it is important like he says, he wouldn't have taken his "meaningless fling" to meet them.
But I guess he doesn't find a difference between hanging w his sister and taking me to a family function since he said hanging out with his sister was already a good indicator of how much I mean to him. But then that would mean his fling meant something of importance to him too if he took her to a family function and probably didn't work out in the end. With that being said, he is still a liar. Why? because he couldve just told me that she did mean something to him which is FINE rather than referring to her as whatever or meaningless. I think he thought he was telling me what I wanted to hear instead of being honest. I think he wanted to make me feel more important than her when really, he was contradicting himself. And if he's calling her a plaything then I wonder what he would call me. Ugh... Do you get what I'm saying?
I'll just never know what to believe with him.
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VinnyB
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Yes I followed that completely. You are saying that this really has nothing to do with meeting his family. You are just using that as a pointless rationalization in your head.
It really has to do with the fact that he treated some other girl poorly in the past, and so you find it hard to trust him, because if that is how he treats girls, why should you be any different?
You are looking for "proof" that he treats you better, because you are more special. This family thing is really just something random that you latched on to in your mind as a bellwether for that proof.
That is a fools errand and you will drive yourself crazy doing it. Trust is something that builds over time based on more general factors. If you start making a list of what you feel you do and do not deserve, you will drive yourself crazy, and if you can not learn to develop normal and healthy trust, your relationship will fail.
There is no magic bullet for trust, and no guarantees. It is very much a leap of faith. When you are ready to take it you will just know.
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Yes.
I don't think the family thing is so random since we have emphasized that we agree meeting his family is an important event to distinguish how important I mean to him. And also, he takes his family really seriously so thats why I think its just something I also naturally consider of importance in our relationship.
So then what are those "general factors" you believe trust is built on?
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VinnyB
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You are asking for specifics. General is the opposite of specific. I am telling you not to look for specific indicators at all. Trust develops naturally over time. If you try to point to something specific like meeting his family you will go crazy.
It is a feeling, an emotion, you can't force it. Clearly you don't have it now. But when you get it you will know because you won't be stressing like you are now. For some people it never comes, and any relationship will fail without it. If you are unable to trust someone you are wasting your time.
There is also no guarantees that trust once given and received, won't be broken. This is all just part of building and maintaining a relationship.
You seem like the type of person who likes to have a blueprint and instructions for everything. If you do x, than y will happen. If I say x then he should do/say y. Life just doesn't work that way. It's a lot more messy and complicated than that.
So basically I am saying just deal with it and see what happens, and don't get so focused on any one thing. That may not me what you want to here, but I don't make the rules of life.