Is it normal i care so much about appearance
I try very hard to be attractive but I know I am regardless. I get harrased sexually a lot even when I look like a mess so its clear I am.
I try hard to appear freindly, likable and sociol but I find having to be in front of crowds a burden. I tend to try to remain lowkey but stay on everybodies good side.
People sometimes accuse me of being a teachers pet and a kiss up. Im often well liked by athority figures and know how to stroke everyones ego. My biggest fear is looking bad as I realize the entire world is based on impressions and appearance.
Despite this im super eccentric in my mannerisms and appearance as I am often living up to a persona. I know deep down im a horrible person and I try my best to hide it by being flawless.
I am not ashamed of my own vanity and if poeple ask ill say "of course im beautiful, nothing to be ashamed of". People oftem tease me becuase im always in the mirror admiring myself.
I mean its hard not to. I have few people I am attached to. Most abuse from other people barely registers in my mind. Punishment doesnt either as I know if I mess up ill get it and accept my fate.
I try hard not to though as getting in trouble ruins my perfect record and makes me appear not as flawless. A person with flaw is garbage and I was taught this long ago. As any flaw or mistake was met with beatings, mockery and ridicule.