iin i am a hovermother is this necessarily a bad thing

You sound as if you're turning out to be a good human being in spite of all that crap in your family.

I had to laugh at the bit about not smoking: I started again several times during my mother's lifetime bc she'd congratulate me so vehemently and frequently I'd start again to spite her! And this was when I was a middle-aged woman myself - childish of me and by the time I did stop permanently after her death it was too late - I have emphysema. Good on you for stopping: it's not easy but it is worth it