iin i am a hovermother is this necessarily a bad thing

Sounds like you may very well be smothering your kids. My mother was a lot like you, and I didn't turn out well. Sure, It could've turned out much worse especially if I had been raised by alcoholic, drug addicted, abusive, neglectful scumbags.

Don't get me wrong I love both my parents, they're nice decent people and my younger sister and I never lacked for anything. My mom sort of spoiled, sheltered, and dominated me to the point where I felt like she owned me. I was morbidly depressed, a cutter, and made my first suicide attempt one week after my 18th birthday. My mother would always come in and take complete control of my life. My mother would routinely listen to my phone calls, pick the lock on and read my diary, intercept my mail and of course read the notes my friends from school wrote. My mother thought nothing of throwing away all the photos I had of my friends of whom she disapproved. She has orchestrated and added subtracted from my life whatever she saw fit. Sometimes I feel estranged from myself and the world around me which has manifested in feelings of dissociation, depersonalization and derealization. Being made to feel like property has caused me to intentionally self harm and seek to end my life three times in the past 27 years. Because my mother dominated and made all my decisions for me from childhood and young adult hood I rebelled whenever I got the chance even if I knew it wasn't what was best for me, because it was the only time I felt like I belonged to myself. I became quite codependent with friends and acquaintances in my young adulthood, because I wanted people to like me, I've also gone through periods of promiscuity. My mother did such a good job of running my life that I didn't know how to cut ties with inappropriate people and when to end unhealthy friendships, because I was never allowed to learn social life skills for myself. There's much more, but I'm feeling too drained to further delve into those places right now.

I was hospitalized for a bit of a psychotic break after I found out my first ex husband was cheating on me, and it was there that I finally got diagnosed with a serious and heavily stigmatized personality disorder. I'm fairly sure that issues from my family of origin, particularly my mother, as well as some hereditary factors have if not entirely caused, greatly contributed to my development of this disorder. Yet, of course, my mother assumes no responsibility whatsoever for any hurt and damage she's caused me, because she feels she was only protecting me, and that she's always right. No one in my dysfunctional family has ever shown any interest in learning about my disorder much less accepting an responsibility for harms done. I'm the only one in my family who has sought treatment with a therapist over my dysfunctions. I have a wonderful Catholic therapist with whom I've been working for the past over six and a half years, and she tells me I've made some significant progress, thank God!

However to this very day I cannot openly admit to the fact that I quit smoking approximately four years ago, because I know it would make my mother happy and she would gloat about it. Whenever I choose to do something good for myself  of which my mother would approve I have to fight to detach from the deep feeling that I'm betraying myself.

I'm not trying to point the proverbial finger or make any accusations towards you, but please, for the love of God, don't suffocate you children if you want to have healthy relationships with them instead of possibly encouraging decades of adolescent rebellion and disdain.