Is it normal for me to not understand myself?

I think the first thing you have to truly accept on a gut-level is that you're not unique. The truth is that lots of people feel the way you do, and you're wrong to believe that "everyone" is sorted out and you're a total loser.

These days, the carefully curated personas seen on social media (and in other media) can easily lead people to believe that everyone else is having a wonderful, fulfilling life and they're all full of self-confidence, have their life all mapped out and are charging ahead towards a bright future without a single doubt in their minds. That's just not true.

There are people who realise what they want to achieve in their lives when they're ten years old and they have a laser-like focus on achieving their goals, but they're a tiny minority. Most people usually take the path of least resistance and do what their families or society tells them they should do with very little introspection. It's only when they hit middle age that they suddenly think, "Who the hell am I, what the fuck am I doing with my life and what do I truly need?"

You could see your current confusion as a positive thing, since you've got a jump on those people and you're have a sort of mid-life crisis long before the scheduled time. You mention how something is stopping you from being the person you want to be, so I assume that means you have some idea of who that person is. If so, then maybe you could consider making it a habit to do just one little thing every day that gets you a tiny bit closer to being that ideal person. Little successes - and, more importantly, learning how to accept little failures and persevere until you are successful - will probably make you feel a more positive about yourself and a series of tiny steps can take you a long way over time.

Look into cognitive behavioral therapy on youtube. Its not cheesy and its not bullshit. Once you learn to change your thought patterns these issues go away.

I also feel same sometimes

I was gonna say that if you have had any sort of traumatic experience in your life to cause these reaction from you, just don't be afraid to seek help from a therapist or counselor. Don't let it get so bad that you decide to try shooting up a school. I honestly feel that's the chicken shit way to deal with issues. If you do have real issues that you need to talk to someone- do talk. But leave the innocents alone.

Ahhh lacking self awareness. Takes practice and stuff but really man it's one of those things that you kinda either have or you don't. Self awareness has plenty of drawbacks too don't worry.

Take antidepressants plus benzos.