if your pets could speak

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  • My doggie would say "Oh. You. What the fuck do you want? Oh gross, no, don't touch me, you freak, what do you take me for? This is MY fur, and I am perfectly capable of shedding it all over the house without you damn well patting me. Ugh. Just fuck off. If you're not walking me or feeding me, you're of no use to me. Why don't you lot just die already?" Then she'll either headbutt me or sneeze on me and walk away. She headbutted me in the face once. I thought my nose was broken. She got all excited cos I was crying. She did her sneezy bum wag dance. My dog is fucking weird.

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