I want to say the n word just because i’m not allowed to

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  • Yeah. And thinking about the way his father mistreated him makes me burst into tears even now thinking about it I'm crying, and I wish I could give him a hug and he could be a bit like my adoptive little brother, we could play games every day, go on adventures, he wouldn't even have to be famous. When I hear his sweet voice singing all those old songs, or see his cute face, I just wish I could do something... But I can't, and instead I have to deal with being hated for it. It's the most lonely and isolating feeling I don't think I would wish on anyone.
    But I'm sorry about how I reacted before. It's just that after being told by everyone that no one will ever accept me for loving him, that is why I feel so much bitter resentment and hatred towards everyone, and society, and myself. I always suffer from a lot of self-hatred and even had this fantasy in my head of wearing a cape and jumping off a tall building, which was my "heroic s*****e." Because I feel like others see me as some villain, for simply feeling love for another human. (I'm not going to kms, but I do see that play in my head sometimes while listening to music + thinking wouldn't other people want that) but I also want to live as long as possible to spite those people.
    I just wish I could go back to being a kid... Then people wouldn't hate me for loving him

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    • I understand what you mean. You can message me privately if you want, even if I don't message back right away, since this isn't an app and I won't get notifications. I do check frequently though and I'm willing to talk about stuff. I understand the feeling of wanting to save people.

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