I want to date my friend but i cant feel love anymore
I dont have attraction for him but maybe I do but I dont know.
I have my walls up so high these days that I only ever feel anything if there's passionate storms and roller coasters of emotion but that's not what I REALLY want I mean I like the idea of it but exxperiencing it im just sort of annoyed and scared off by it and I do not feed into it instead I ask for stability and dont recieve it from those very intense emotionally unstable people. I had my heart severely shattered 5 years ago and I shut myself off then dont know how to turn that around ? I cant feel normal emotions ? I had a moment once with my friend where I was able to make myself relax and just be in my body and experience my emotions... I was able to relax and let my walls down a bit... And what happened then is I cuddled up next to him and felt something beyond friendship... But i've never let that happen again or figured out how.
I even had to do the same thing with my ex I had to remind myself to let my walls down and to be present in my body and emotions to remember how I felt and to not just be cold and distant with him which is my natural state these days with everyone. My friend is a very sweet person he likes hugging and stuff but I never feel anything except on days when I am more relaxed I just feel sad all the time I feel sad when he hugs me and im just in my head thinking about all the times ive been hurt and how worthless everything is and then I feel bad because he can tell im far away in my mind... I wish I could get myself out of that state permanently and maybe i'd fall in love with him for real. He'd be such a great boyfriend. I've tried showing interest sometimes to ssee if he'd be up for dating it's obvious he would but I always distance myself when it starts going too much in that direction. To not hurt him.
I dont know what is wrong with me ? Aand its not just him its ANYONE. I am NUMB I am very sad about it