That can't be a healthy way to deal with your emotions. I know depression is tough especially because you can't really pinpoint what's making you feel bad - So I guess when you were bullied at least you knew where the pain was coming from.
But that's not the problem you need to fix. The problem is your depression and there's ways of dealing with that. Seeking help will be difficult now that you've built your whole self-image around your sadness; But that's not who you are! Fuck those bullies back in school. They were kids, and kids don't know shit. Don't let some douchebags decide who you are. They really don't deserve that kind of power.
Go to therapy, mate. Get healthy and tell your depression what you should have told those bullies back then: "Go fuck yourself."
I want to be bullied as a way to punish myself
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That can't be a healthy way to deal with your emotions. I know depression is tough especially because you can't really pinpoint what's making you feel bad - So I guess when you were bullied at least you knew where the pain was coming from.
But that's not the problem you need to fix. The problem is your depression and there's ways of dealing with that. Seeking help will be difficult now that you've built your whole self-image around your sadness; But that's not who you are! Fuck those bullies back in school. They were kids, and kids don't know shit. Don't let some douchebags decide who you are. They really don't deserve that kind of power.
Go to therapy, mate. Get healthy and tell your depression what you should have told those bullies back then: "Go fuck yourself."