I need help with this very unfortunate sexual episode

My mother uses to drink wine on the couch during the weekends in her morning robe and with a blanket over her. There have been times when I've been under the blanket, and the times I thought she slept, it has happened that I've stuck my nose up her panties to take in the fragrance. I did this mostly as a child, simply because I was curious about how a woman smelled. In retrospect, I'm not sure she slept each of the times it happened. This weekend I tried the same thing, because I thought I could get away with it. This time around she suddenly put her foot on my neck and said she noticed me. She didn't let me get away and held me tight down there and asked if I liked the smell. When I said yes, she pulled her panties aside and asked me to taste. I was embarrassed to have a hairy vagina in front of me and just wanted to get away. I thought she was kidding and trying to make fun of me. Since I hesitated, she said that I could at least give her a kiss, and so I did. She wanted one more, and then one more, and finally I was doing what I never thought I'd do. I was laying there and licking my mothers vagina. I just wanted to get it over with, because I realize how wrong it was and it was a pretty overwhelming taste. She helped by taking off her panties so I would get better access. She liked it and wanted me to keep going for the longest while, but I was unable to get her off. She let me know what tempo to use and that I should use my fingers, both one and three, and they got very sticky when I stuffed them in. Nothing helped, but she held my head in place and tugged and pulled my hair. Finally, I was so tired in my mouth that I had to ask to be allowed to stop. I thought it was over. Instead, she told me to lie down, lifted her morning robe and sat right down on my face. I was scared and could not breathe, and she was very selfish and just kept thrusting hard in my face. She kept going like that while she held me in place. It hurt me because she was so brutal and ruthless. Finally she managed to get off and she had her orgasm on my face. Like with her hands clamped around my cheeks and with her moaning on and on. Afterwards she sat heavily upon me with all her body weight and just relaxing. I almost didn't get any air, but didn't dare ask her to get up. Finally she lifted herself off me. My face was soaking wet and filled with her pubic hairs, and I had a sore nose that she had hit with her genital area. She said it served me right and told me to go to sleep. We were to talk about it the next day. I was just glad to get away. The next day she came into my room and wanted to have a serious conversation. We both agreed that what had happened was wrong, and that it would never happen again. She was really angry at me and put all the blame on me. She called me a little pervert who was drooling over his mother and so on. She said she was going to punish me, and when it was done, we would never again bring this up. So she took me to the bathroom. She told me to lie down and crouched over me. At first I didn't understand what was going to happen before the first trickle hit me. She retaliated for what I had done by peeing on my face. She said that this was what happened when I got near her pussy. After she had releaved herself she got up, put her foot in in my face and said I got away from it mildly. Next time I did something similar, she would beat me up. Then she marched out and slammed the door. In the aftermath of it all, we have attempted to normalize the relations between us. Since we live alone in the same house, we eat dinner together, and she asks me everyday questions and pretend as if nothing has happened. What happened was wrong and should never have taken place. But I think it's unfair that she puts all the blame on me. It was she who was drunk and had no control, like, at all, and who even asked me to do it. I came too close, and therefore she had to thrust herself to an orgasm and not let go until she'd gotten off. I also think that what she did to avenge herself was rather extreme. I realize that she needs to highlight that I should keep my distance, but the way she did it was perhaps even more humiliating than going down on her. Since she has just as much guilt, I think it's bad that she is not just as angry with herelf. Instead, she was vindictive at the max towards me. I wonder if I can have normal sexual relations with a girl after this. I'm still a virgin. I've become a pathetic person who has actually licked the pussy of my mother. How sick is that? And will I ever be able to establish a normal relationship with my mother? I wouldn't want her to hate me for years to come, even though she pretends like nothing. We have agreed to keep this to ourselves, and that it will never, ever happen again, so I won't become an orphan or anything.