Is it normal to feel alone after moving somewhere new? Yes, I feel alone and I've been here for two years. Generally its 6 months before comfort starts to come back, and up to 6 years before surroundings and people become familiar.
/start rant
Are the school systems so bad now that grammar has been forgotten both in NC and in KC? I'd give you a d+ at most for your paragraph.
I'll re-write your paragraph for you, so you see what colleges would look for. Between grammar issues, spelling issues, and irrelevant information.
"Okay, so I just moved to KC Missouri from NC. I don't fit in here. The few white kids I've seen are weird, and unlike most schools, the cool kids are the geeks and in band. I'm further outcast because I'm not into that sort of thing: I like snowboarding, wake boarding, long boarding, the types of things they've never done before. The whole school is filled with drama that I do not want anything to do with. I did meet some people from online and hang out, they at least remind me of NC. But besides the very few people I talk to, I feel alone. I don't want to go back to NC either. That wouldn't be an improvement. I just wish everyone would get along with everyone else."
And even that one I would rate as a c, c+.
Colleges, well more specifically professors, will weed out irrelevant information and drop points for it. The biggest mistake people make when writing, is to write like they speak.
I step off the bus and my eyes adjust to the dingy abyss that lay before me. The cobblestone glimmers in the dim red light of the strip clubs and bars covered in putrid grime; the ominous grey-red color of the sky alone was enough to make a man want to vomit. But I knew I had to be here, for now. Buried beneath the deafening scurry of rats, a raspy voice shrieks, "last stop: Kansas City.
Welcome to hell."
I light up a cigarette and hurry to the nearest motel. Don't want to be caught outside for too long in a place like this. Trouble follows you around here, especially if you're the kind of guy that likes to charm the devil. I walk into the motel and I'm greeted with a skeletal man with sunken eyes, the image of death itself - I'd have thought he was dead if it wasn't for the smile that came across his face as I approached the desk. I'd rather see a corpse than that smile. He hands me a key without a word; I drop a twenty on the desk and he slowly nods. "Room six", he whispers.
The room is missing patches of floorboard and the sink spits sewage, but it'll do. Tomorrow's a long enough day without having to worry about the plumbing.
I'm starting to realize that I don't fit in at my new school.
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Is it normal to feel alone after moving somewhere new? Yes, I feel alone and I've been here for two years. Generally its 6 months before comfort starts to come back, and up to 6 years before surroundings and people become familiar.
/start rant
Are the school systems so bad now that grammar has been forgotten both in NC and in KC? I'd give you a d+ at most for your paragraph.
I'll re-write your paragraph for you, so you see what colleges would look for. Between grammar issues, spelling issues, and irrelevant information.
"Okay, so I just moved to KC Missouri from NC. I don't fit in here. The few white kids I've seen are weird, and unlike most schools, the cool kids are the geeks and in band. I'm further outcast because I'm not into that sort of thing: I like snowboarding, wake boarding, long boarding, the types of things they've never done before. The whole school is filled with drama that I do not want anything to do with. I did meet some people from online and hang out, they at least remind me of NC. But besides the very few people I talk to, I feel alone. I don't want to go back to NC either. That wouldn't be an improvement. I just wish everyone would get along with everyone else."
And even that one I would rate as a c, c+.
Colleges, well more specifically professors, will weed out irrelevant information and drop points for it. The biggest mistake people make when writing, is to write like they speak.
/end rant
--
flutterhigh
11 years ago
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If you want to move up to a B- or so, try this:
I step off the bus and my eyes adjust to the dingy abyss that lay before me. The cobblestone glimmers in the dim red light of the strip clubs and bars covered in putrid grime; the ominous grey-red color of the sky alone was enough to make a man want to vomit. But I knew I had to be here, for now. Buried beneath the deafening scurry of rats, a raspy voice shrieks, "last stop: Kansas City.
Welcome to hell."
I light up a cigarette and hurry to the nearest motel. Don't want to be caught outside for too long in a place like this. Trouble follows you around here, especially if you're the kind of guy that likes to charm the devil. I walk into the motel and I'm greeted with a skeletal man with sunken eyes, the image of death itself - I'd have thought he was dead if it wasn't for the smile that came across his face as I approached the desk. I'd rather see a corpse than that smile. He hands me a key without a word; I drop a twenty on the desk and he slowly nods. "Room six", he whispers.
The room is missing patches of floorboard and the sink spits sewage, but it'll do. Tomorrow's a long enough day without having to worry about the plumbing.
END CHAPTER ONE
--
Collumi
11 years ago
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Nice work. I'd read your novel.