This sounds to me like a classic case of cognitive dissonance: the very uncomfortable state we find ourselves in when we try to reconcile two conflicting belief systems.
You've been thoroughly indoctrinated in a set of beliefs since before you can remember, but now you've come to realize that those beliefs are a steaming pile of horse-shit. People you love and want to respect have taught you one thing, but now you've come to understand that they've been lying to you. Possibly your entire social circle believes the same things, but now you see that they all believe in fairy tales, and you're on the outside looking in.
Cognitive dissonance is always difficult to deal with. That's one of the reasons many people work so hard to twist facts to deny anything that challenges what they want to believe. (For example, all the absurd BS that fundies have come up with to support the story of Noah's flood and the "young earth", and to deny the reality of evolution.) When you're nineteen and dealing with many other changes in your life, a major shift in how you view reality is inevitably going to be painful.
You say, "If I decide to be an Atheist, I fear going to hell and losing my family." Being an atheist means that you recognize that the whole Jehovah and Jesus and hell and heaven thing is all a fairy tale constructed to comfort children, and keep people childish and dependent throughout their lives. Atheists are sure hell is just as much a fantasy as Santa's Workshop at the North Pole. Therefore, atheists have no fear of going to hell.
What I read in your post is the development of a belief-system that I'm sure is held by a lot of people who are nominally Christians. They're rational enough to recognize that there's a huge amount of total BS in the Bible, but they're worried enough about the possibility of there being some underlying truth that they hedge their bets and keep on going to church and saying the right stuff.
When I was a little younger than you, I went through something similar. I decided that if god is really such an insecure, petty tyrant that he'd condemn me to hell for daring to use my brain and the critical faculties I'd been given (by evolution or by his divine powers), then he must be psychotic, and he wasn't a being I wanted to spend eternity with.
You're nineteen. It's good that you're thinking outside the box you've been kept in, but you don't have to figure out all this stuff right now.
Calm down. I imagine you still live with your parents, so coming out as a disbeliever would cause tensions. Think what you want to think, but go with the flow. I'm sure you know what they want to hear you say and how they want you to act, so play the role as long as you have to. Yes, that is living a lie, but lots of people tell lies to make others comfortable, and that's not a bad thing. Criticizing or challenging parents who are True Believers is pointless. If they were capable of accepting reality, they would have done so by now. There will come a time when you can be free to do and say and act as you want.
I thank you for this comment, I honestly appreciate it.
But there's one thing that gets me, is the having to lie. For me, it may not be as simple as lying until I move out...
This may sound confusing, so let me try to word this the best I can.
Because I was born into... Without going too into it, a weird situation. The people I live with are actually... One two, three generations behind me? And they both grew up in religious households.
Reason that scares me even more than say, telling plain old parents... I don't want them to die, disappointed in me, worried I'm not gonna go to heaven with them. I don't want to just come out when I move out for example, because I understand that it'll just break their hearts. I don't want them to die feeling like they didn't raise me correctly, because one of the things they always hoped was that I would grow up close to God. Imagine if you will, raising a kid for 19 years when you should be enjoying retirement, only to know they could go to eternal suffering. As a non believer that seems like nothing, but as a believer that's scary.
But I also don't want to lie to them. That will also break their hearts if they knew I was lying to them. That would hurt me a lot more than it would them, but... That also worries me.
Again, this is probably poorly worded, I apologise.
I'm questioning my faith and it's driving me insane
← View full post
This sounds to me like a classic case of cognitive dissonance: the very uncomfortable state we find ourselves in when we try to reconcile two conflicting belief systems.
You've been thoroughly indoctrinated in a set of beliefs since before you can remember, but now you've come to realize that those beliefs are a steaming pile of horse-shit. People you love and want to respect have taught you one thing, but now you've come to understand that they've been lying to you. Possibly your entire social circle believes the same things, but now you see that they all believe in fairy tales, and you're on the outside looking in.
Cognitive dissonance is always difficult to deal with. That's one of the reasons many people work so hard to twist facts to deny anything that challenges what they want to believe. (For example, all the absurd BS that fundies have come up with to support the story of Noah's flood and the "young earth", and to deny the reality of evolution.) When you're nineteen and dealing with many other changes in your life, a major shift in how you view reality is inevitably going to be painful.
You say, "If I decide to be an Atheist, I fear going to hell and losing my family." Being an atheist means that you recognize that the whole Jehovah and Jesus and hell and heaven thing is all a fairy tale constructed to comfort children, and keep people childish and dependent throughout their lives. Atheists are sure hell is just as much a fantasy as Santa's Workshop at the North Pole. Therefore, atheists have no fear of going to hell.
What I read in your post is the development of a belief-system that I'm sure is held by a lot of people who are nominally Christians. They're rational enough to recognize that there's a huge amount of total BS in the Bible, but they're worried enough about the possibility of there being some underlying truth that they hedge their bets and keep on going to church and saying the right stuff.
When I was a little younger than you, I went through something similar. I decided that if god is really such an insecure, petty tyrant that he'd condemn me to hell for daring to use my brain and the critical faculties I'd been given (by evolution or by his divine powers), then he must be psychotic, and he wasn't a being I wanted to spend eternity with.
You're nineteen. It's good that you're thinking outside the box you've been kept in, but you don't have to figure out all this stuff right now.
Calm down. I imagine you still live with your parents, so coming out as a disbeliever would cause tensions. Think what you want to think, but go with the flow. I'm sure you know what they want to hear you say and how they want you to act, so play the role as long as you have to. Yes, that is living a lie, but lots of people tell lies to make others comfortable, and that's not a bad thing. Criticizing or challenging parents who are True Believers is pointless. If they were capable of accepting reality, they would have done so by now. There will come a time when you can be free to do and say and act as you want.
--
Anonymous Post Author
5 years ago
|
pl
Comment Hidden (
show
)
Report
0
0
I thank you for this comment, I honestly appreciate it.
But there's one thing that gets me, is the having to lie. For me, it may not be as simple as lying until I move out...
This may sound confusing, so let me try to word this the best I can.
Because I was born into... Without going too into it, a weird situation. The people I live with are actually... One two, three generations behind me? And they both grew up in religious households.
Reason that scares me even more than say, telling plain old parents... I don't want them to die, disappointed in me, worried I'm not gonna go to heaven with them. I don't want to just come out when I move out for example, because I understand that it'll just break their hearts. I don't want them to die feeling like they didn't raise me correctly, because one of the things they always hoped was that I would grow up close to God. Imagine if you will, raising a kid for 19 years when you should be enjoying retirement, only to know they could go to eternal suffering. As a non believer that seems like nothing, but as a believer that's scary.
But I also don't want to lie to them. That will also break their hearts if they knew I was lying to them. That would hurt me a lot more than it would them, but... That also worries me.
Again, this is probably poorly worded, I apologise.