It is very normal. You are probably attracted to them because you perceive them as more sexual, and in positions of power. In your culture, it's wrong for a woman to say she likes sex and does it because she wants to, so in order to remain a "good girl" and still have sex, you feel the need to have a man "make" you do it. The encounter with your first boyfriend might also have influenced that.
I think in a roundabout way you want more control over your sexuality. By handing your power to a dirty old white man, you can do things you previously weren't able to do because of your upbringing. If you do nothing, your sexuality will just end up controlled by a husband you didn't even get to pick.
I grew up in a much more permissive culture. I wear whatever I like, some of it very revealing, and I've given and received oral sex, hell, I've done it in the butt, but I don't think of myself as "dirty" or a slut, not at all. I think it's healthy that I can own my own sexuality and do whatever I want. I had sex as a life experience, to learn more about myself and express myself.
Normally, I would advise you to explore your sexuality and learn more about human sexuality, that sex isn't dirty or wrong, just a natural bodily function that it's okay to like and okay to have, but if you are in actual danger from your parents, that might not be a good idea. You could consider moving to a more permissive culture, perhaps as a student, but that's a pretty huge upheaval to make for some sexual fantasies. Then again, if you end up being married to this man, that's going to have a huge impact on your life. If that isn't the life you want, now's the time to act.
Whatever you do, be careful. I don't know what country you live in, so I don't know how prevalent violence against women is there, but I don't want anything bad to happen to you.
I'm attracted to older white men... Is that normal?
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It is very normal. You are probably attracted to them because you perceive them as more sexual, and in positions of power. In your culture, it's wrong for a woman to say she likes sex and does it because she wants to, so in order to remain a "good girl" and still have sex, you feel the need to have a man "make" you do it. The encounter with your first boyfriend might also have influenced that.
I think in a roundabout way you want more control over your sexuality. By handing your power to a dirty old white man, you can do things you previously weren't able to do because of your upbringing. If you do nothing, your sexuality will just end up controlled by a husband you didn't even get to pick.
I grew up in a much more permissive culture. I wear whatever I like, some of it very revealing, and I've given and received oral sex, hell, I've done it in the butt, but I don't think of myself as "dirty" or a slut, not at all. I think it's healthy that I can own my own sexuality and do whatever I want. I had sex as a life experience, to learn more about myself and express myself.
Normally, I would advise you to explore your sexuality and learn more about human sexuality, that sex isn't dirty or wrong, just a natural bodily function that it's okay to like and okay to have, but if you are in actual danger from your parents, that might not be a good idea. You could consider moving to a more permissive culture, perhaps as a student, but that's a pretty huge upheaval to make for some sexual fantasies. Then again, if you end up being married to this man, that's going to have a huge impact on your life. If that isn't the life you want, now's the time to act.
Whatever you do, be careful. I don't know what country you live in, so I don't know how prevalent violence against women is there, but I don't want anything bad to happen to you.