I have nothing to offer

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18 Comments

This is how I feel: what people see is only a superficial shell, a facade. Wait for it, this isn't going to be about how people don't see the real me because of the masquerade that we always have going on - I actually feel like a shell; like a papier-mache model. It makes me scared to get close to anyone, because there is nothing for them to get close to. There is only the shell and once that is broken, there is nothing.

Even on the internet, when I'm talking to someone, I feel like a f**king fraud. I might feel like I'm being the "real me" sometimes, but then I read over what I've written and it makes me want to vomit because it sounds as though another person has written it. In short, it sounds utterly fake.

I'm very good at being fake too. I pretend to be interesting. I pretend to be a person of depth.

I found some good "internet buddies" this way. I thought that they had gotten close to knowing me at the time, but now I know that they only had the good fortune to sample my sh*tty acting. I dumped those friends obviously. Couldn't have them figuring out that I'm actually empty could I?

ps. I'm starting to suspect that I may have borderline personality disorder after someone told me about it. However, I haven't gone for an evaluation (yet?) If you can tell me if feeling like this is common for people with BPD, I would appreciate it.

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Comments ( 18 ) Sort: best | oldest
  • SamuraiPeeper2
    13 years ago | pl

    It sounds to me like you just don't like what you have to offer or really much about yourself. You seem very, very self-loathing in this and other posts. I don't think it's lack of depth or emptiness: I don't think anyone could fake the humanity and clarity and thoughtfulness you display without possesing them at least a little. Too, probably you're not faking anything. It's just hard to express meaningfully and as real as you would like what you feel and think even with a great vocabulary when you're communicating over the internet or some second hand form of communication. It's hard for me even in person(maybe especially in person), really hard any way else. I feel really, really stupid when I look back over things I've written or think back on things I've said. For me, and maybe for you, I think it's much introspection coupled with self-loathing. Really try cutting yourself some slack once in awhile like you would with another person. Look at yourself objectively, then look with just a little compassion.

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    • PoisonFlowers
      13 years ago | pl

      Ah damn, so it shows. I'm trying to break the self-loathing habit. I need to use more smilies.

      You're right, I don't fake anything. The way I see it, if I can't accomplish that over the internet, then there's no hope of that happening in real life. See, I want so badly to be "a real girl!" that I've got to practise stripping away all of the fakery.

      " It's just hard to express meaningfully and as real as you would like what you feel and think even with a great vocabulary when you're communicating over the internet or some second hand form of communication"
      - communication is always a great source of frustration to me.

      I'll try to look at myself from a distance next time. Or just not think about this so much. I'm feeling alright for now anyway.

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  • PiAnt
    13 years ago | pl

    Interesting.

    It usually takes many more years to realise that people are shallow.

    Categorise the people in your life as those who are more or less real. Like an onion with you in the middle. The more honest or real a person appears to be, move them a layer nearer to the real you.

    You may never find anyone who reaches the middle bit, but there's always hope.

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    • PoisonFlowers
      13 years ago | pl

      Actually, it's not really thinking of people as shallow. What's a real person anyway? What makes a person?

      I don't know. There's your interests and your opinions and then...then waht? There's nothing. There IS not middle bit, because just as if you were to carry on stripping away at an onion, you'd find that you're left with nothing but bits of onion, there is nothing in the middle. I'm not sure how to explain it. That's not very good...but sometimes, I get a strong sense of this, such as a coupld of minutes ago, and it terrifies me. It makes me feel so empty.

      It doesn't bother me normally, but when I get a glimpse of it, it reallly makes me feel terrible. I can't quite capture it now because it's left me.

      Nevermid then. I'm okay now.

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    • PoisonFlowers
      13 years ago | pl

      Haha really? I began to realise that around 8 years ago.

      I really like how you put it. That makes me feel much better actually. Thank you.

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  • Pika-girl
    9 years ago | pl

    ...But blood, toil, tears, and sweat...?

    "Blood, toil, tears, and sweat" (speech)

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  • lizieralizard
    10 years ago | pl

    I had a "friend" like this. She's effing perfect. except that shes full of shit. I feel really bad 4her. I stayed friends with her for years thinking that at some point I would finally get 2 c the real her but it just became too annoying. I bet most of the people you think youre fooling know that u r a shell. Get real. have a breakdown and see who sticks around.

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  • karmasAbich
    11 years ago | pl

    This is exactly how i feel. ive never known how to word it. Thank you.
    I feel ya man. I don't like people getting to close for the same reason. Almost as if you change mind sets in a way. Like your view point totally changes? If so, I know what you mean. If not, then I still think I know. Haha.

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  • lady6sky
    12 years ago | pl

    well the reality is BPD folk wants to pretend we are normal, and we only think we are lying to people.

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  • SureAsHell
    13 years ago | pl

    You just need to get to know yourself more.

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  • nothing2
    13 years ago | pl

    you're pretty damn real. somebody crazy would'nt have that kind of clarity.

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    • littleone
      13 years ago | pl

      I agree with the previous comment.
      Sometimes we know ourselves too much and it drives us mad.
      Perhaps you are a little too self-absorbed, I don't mean that in an offensive way. Volunteer, take a class on something you know nothing about... find a way to get out of your thoughts and channel that self-exploration in a happier way.

      The real you is full of layers, just like everyone else. You just happen to know it more. Don't worry, people will and do love you anyway.

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    • PoisonFlowers
      13 years ago | pl

      Oh really? I'm just guessing, but "crazy" people might sometimes seem much clearer than anyone who's "sane" could manage. Thanks anyway. I'm not one to throw away any possible compliments, heh.

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    • sweetsunshine89
      13 years ago | pl

      I agree. I feel like that sometimes too I think, or at least a similar feeling.

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  • JuliusE
    13 years ago | pl

    Get help, you may have BPD

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  • FreeStyle786
    13 years ago | pl

    You never mention why you are such a "fraud".

    I understand why you pretend to be more interesting and more in-depth. We want the people we are talking to, to be interested in us. So a few white lies to spice things up no biggie. But what makes it so bad that you would want to vomit when you re-read what you say?

    What makes you so boring that you have to put on a facade, I mean unless you never leave the same room ever I don't how you can be that bad.

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    • PoisonFlowers
      13 years ago | pl

      It's not white lies as such. It's more that I feel as though I could rip right through whatever fake person I've created. It makes me want to vomit because I come to despise what I've created. It's hard to explain.

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  • RedSheep18
    13 years ago | pl

    I know this may not be the place to say this but I couldn't help thinking it when I came across your story. I'm a Christian and I believe that God made everyone of us with a desire to be with him in our hearts. I also believe that when we feel empty, that this is him prompting us to look for him. It is normal to feel empty, we often try and fill that emptiness with other people, money, food, tv, alcohol, drugs, anything but I believe that the only way to feel whole is to start to get to know him through his word and his son Jesus. I've often felt how you have, especially after my father passed away, and I've found that just picking up a bible and reading some of the New Testement really helps me to feel whole again. It's your choice ultimately, but I think it would really help you.

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