I feel so unhappy
I caught myself staring at my blank monitor again, feeling so tired yet unable to sleep. I can’t remember the last time I felt happy, I shouldn’t be feeling like this, I am good looking, smart and I am talented at everything I do, I have lots of friends but I have no true friends, I don’t know if I have ever had a true friend, I don’t think I have ever loved, I feel as though I am empty. Everyone thinks I am normal and that I am heaps happy, but I’m not. That scene in American Psycho where he kills that dude with the axe and just unleashes all his anger, it made me feel good watching it, I got an adrenaline rush and a feeling of euphoria from it, does that mean I am going to be a serial killer? I imagine ways to kill people and all the possibilities of hiding the body without getting caught; I think I could get away with murder so easily and wouldn’t feel any emotion at all. I miss my Dad, I haven’t seen him in probably ten years I can’t even remember the last time I saw him but I remember it was the last time I felt happy, I think, if I got the balls to look up his number and call him he’d probably want to see me as much as I want to see him but I just cant force myself to do it. I think I felt happy when I was friends with Jamie, I don’t know. If I ever did have a true friend it probably would have been him but I don’t know. I hate my mum, she does so much for me but I still hate her so much, she makes me so angry. I have lots of girls after me that are pretty dam hot but they don’t mean a thing to me, I have never asked a girl out in my life they always ask me I wish the one girl I think I love would love me, Connor, I think she use to like me ages ago when she use to come and sit next to me and talked to me but I must of unintentionally turned her away because I never show my emotions to anyone ever, she is so beautiful, I feel like a stalker because I always stare at her whenever I see her at school and forget about everything else, I think if I was with her I could finally sleep, she is the cure for my insomnia, unhappiness and all my bad thoughts, I don’t care what anyone thinks of me but I care what she thinks of me for some reason, I cant get myself to approach her, the only way that is going to happen is if I am stoned and drunk out of my f**king mind or it’s the end of the world. I always wash my hands, my friends think I have a compulsive disorder, I probably do, I hate my friends. I can’t remember the last time I cried, I’ve wanted to cry but I just can’t.