i feel so unhappy
I caught myself staring at my blank monitor again, feeling so tired yet unable to sleep. I canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t remember the last time I felt happy, I shouldnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t be feeling like this, I am good looking, smart and I am talented at everything I do, I have lots of friends but I have no true friends, I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know if I have ever had a true friend, I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t think I have ever loved, I feel as though I am empty. Everyone thinks I am normal and that I am heaps happy, but IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m not. That scene in American Psycho where he kills that dude with the axe and just unleashes all his anger, it made me feel good watching it, I got an adrenaline rush and a feeling of euphoria from it, does that mean I am going to be a serial killer? I imagine ways to kill people and all the possibilities of hiding the body without getting caught; I think I could get away with murder so easily and wouldnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t feel any emotion at all. I miss my Dad, I havenÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t seen him in probably ten years I canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t even remember the last time I saw him but I remember it was the last time I felt happy, I think, if I got the balls to look up his number and call him heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢d probably want to see me as much as I want to see him but I just cant force myself to do it. I think I felt happy when I was friends with Jamie, I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know. If I ever did have a true friend it probably would have been him but I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know. I hate my mum, she does so much for me but I still hate her so much, she makes me so angry. I have lots of girls after me that are pretty dam hot but they donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t mean a thing to me, I have never asked a girl out in my life they always ask me I wish the one girl I think I love would love me, Connor, I think she use to like me ages ago when she use to come and sit next to me and talked to me but I must of unintentionally turned her away because I never show my emotions to anyone ever, she is so beautiful, I feel like a stalker because I always stare at her whenever I see her at school and forget about everything else, I think if I was with her I could finally sleep, she is the cure for my insomnia, unhappiness and all my bad thoughts, I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t care what anyone thinks of me but I care what she thinks of me for some reason, I cant get myself to approach her, the only way that is going to happen is if I am stoned and drunk out of my f**king mind or itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s the end of the world. I always wash my hands, my friends think I have a compulsive disorder, I probably do, I hate my friends. I canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t remember the last time I cried, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve wanted to cry but I just canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t.