I feel like there is nothing worth living for
I don't know why I chose to post this on the internet but I guess it's easier to speak while faceless. I am not normally this person and if anything the fact that I am becoming it seems to drag me further into what has become a constant state of self loathing. I can't tell anyone because I've always had this thing you know, like I need to be indestructible to be respected and liked and I tried. I've been successful until now.
I just don't feel there is anything in my life, the main thing is that I hate myself and not the kind where I look in the mirror and wish I was skinnier or prettier although thats a huge part of it, but more the kind where I don't understand why anyone would want to be friends with me and it makes me constantly paranoid.
I have a large group of friends which is great but it's also horrible as no one is really as close as if there were just two of us. They all have other friends and I always have people to go out with, but I don't go out because Im so self conscious and it makes me miserable.
My family life sucks, my mother is selfish after she split from my dad she literally chased after a guy who everyone knew was a dick including her, despite the fact that we had just got our own place and me and my brother were young.
She then got pregnant twice because neither of them have the wits to use birth control, and don't get me wrong i love my little brothers to pieces but its made us struggle financially and I can only blame her because it's her fault! My father couldn't care less about me and buys me things as if that makes up for it.
I don't trust anyone so boys have always been a no go because I wouldn't allow myself to get close to people.
Due to this I constantly feel alone. I drink to numb myself and I'm scared that Im going to become an alcoholic, I've always battled with my weight and some days I just don't eat but I don't want to be anorexic, I get scared because there is no one to talk to and I'm still rational, I know it would kill my mum if I died but she doesn't care that I'm still here.
I hate being like this! I want to be happy again and it isn't like the average my life is shambles kind of thing trust me I wouldn't post if it was. What do I do?