I feel like a fake person

I've anger issue, easily annoyed, curses a lot and have occasional dark, disturbing fantasy I would love to inflict on certain people.

However, When I am around friends and strangers, I am not being my true self. I act very nice, friendly and happy-go-lucky. The facade is convincing to the point some of them treated me like a doormat and a loser. I do this because I know I'll have no friends and they'll hate me if they ever know my true personality.

One day, this one dipshit who occasionally disturbed me at college went too far. He humiliated me and made me look like a fool in front of many people there because of this sweet person facade I pulled off. I can't take it anymore for faking myself and raged in front of them. I cursed him profusely and kinda lost control of my attitude. Until then, people were shocked and he never pulled those shit on me anymore.

Then, I thought they would hate me after I showed my real personality but I found out they still misunderstood me. They thought I became aggressive because of bad influence from friends but not from my own personality so I still somehow have friends. I try to change but it's so hard because I am scared of gettimg hated on so I still continue faking myself now.

I feel like a fake for doing this but if I never mask my true terrible personality, they'll hate me for sure.





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Comments ( 23 ) Sort: best | oldest
  • Everyone has a dark side, homes. You'd be surprised, but we're all taught to hide it. It doesn't make you "terrible," unless it's malicious. As long as you aren't hurting others, it's perfectly fine to be a brooding, nagative asshole sometimes, and when you let it out, you'll find other assholes to asshole with.

    I fucking love being an asshole with my asshole fiance and asshole family members and asshole friends who appreciate my assholery.

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    • Thanks for the insight. I am at ease knowing someone who can tolerate and understand me. That username just makes it better!

      Yes. I would never harm people despite having dark fantasies.

      The thing is though, I've secretly observed these people's attitudes around me and I am confident they would shun me for who I actually am. Most of them hate to deal with moody and bitchy person like me so I would always scared of showing my true self in fear being alienated.

      I don't think I've the patience enough to stop myself from being an asshole towards someone who starts shit with me fist though. :(

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      • "I don't think I've the patience enough to stop myself from being an asshole towards someone who starts shit with me first though."

        That's a good thing, my dude.

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        • I think it is too. If I hadn't rage back then, that asshole dude will keep on picking on me. It's just that the thought of people hating you for showing anger is what keeps me from showing my true feeling.

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      • You'd be surprised about most people. Using myself as an example, I'm very cute-silly dressed, generally positive & usually really nice to people, but I'm also extremely cynical & enjoy incredibly offensive humor. If you met me, you might peg me as someone who would judge an asshole, but those are my people!

        I usually just kind of "test the waters" with people, let an offensive joke or a sourpuss observation slip out & go with it if they are receptive. I've found that most people have a bit of a dark side to go with their good natured bits.

        Honestly, the only people I've found that just totally judge my negativity and dark humor are the types who read self help books, regurg platitudes, & try to convince everyone how much of a great person they are & those people are the worst!

        As long as you have a good balance of being a kind person & a bit of an asshole, most people will be right there with you. Being your true self always comes with the risk of encountering people that don't approve, but it's worth it because finding friends who you don't have to play pretend with is a great feeling.

        There will be people who don't like you, and that's life. You will find plenty who do accept you & that's something everyone deserves to have.

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        • Assholeism is a forthright social ethic that should get more recognition. IMHO, creative assholeism is more fun to observe than narrow minded assholeism. Malicious friendliness is best dealt with by a simple "fuck you".

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        • You're too brave testing people like that. If it was me, that will be a big nope, hahaha! I am too much of a lame pussy to take risk like that.

          Well here, most people at my place tend to read obnoxious inspirational quotes compared to self help books but I think the effect is the same like you mentioned. It feels like it's impossible for people who are into those to tolerate negativity since they're always busy basking themselves in positivity alone.

          I am sure right now my supposed assholery outweighs my niceness so not fully ready to reveal it to the outside world yet but I get what you meant. I am sure people treated me like a doormat because I act overly nice to them. I'll try to balance out both so people won't try to walk over me again. I am sure out of all those many people who couldn't tolerate my negativity, there might be a hidden few who would accept my actual personality. I'll just try to pick up the courage to open up about my true self slowly and progressively to them.

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          • You don't have to be brave! The key is just to start with very small things...something you could easily just brush off as "oops, somebody's having a bad day" or "Haha I can't believe I just said that,"

            Just lightly offensive things

            & go from there if that person is receptive

            I do this with almost all people. You just read the room, find out what people are receptive to.

            If you do find people whom you can be yourself with, I'm sure you'll feel a little less angry and negative. It's better to have that outlet.

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  • this sounds like literally every person, my dude.

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    • I am aware every people have their negativities. But I have these unhealty anger issues and easily irritable feeling even towards trivial matters. I hate myself for that and I hate that I am not dared enough to express them in front of people. This caused me to get treated like a doormat for acting nice and didn't get emotional supports that I should've gotten because I am scared to express my real self in fear of at a risk being hated by these people instead.

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      • You know, trying to stuff your anger inside & hiding it might be what's making you unhealthily irritable.

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        • That makes sense. I always keep to myself when someone makes me mad. I only let go of the anger when I am alone so people wouldn't know it. To be honest, I feel a dissatisfaction doing this since people who made me mad don't even know they actually wronged me. I'd rather live with this irritable feeling rather than expressing anger as I should so I wouldn't lose friends.

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      • "But I have these unhealty anger issues and easily irritable feeling even towards trivial matters."

        Go into specifics, please. I have a feeling that you vastly overestimate how unusual you are because you've been bottling it up so long.

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        • Easily irritable over trivial matters such as when people walk slowly blocking the one and only path to move, shitty dirty roommate who messed up the entire room we shared, people pointing out obvious stuff as if I am too dumb to figure out myself, distraction when I try to focus on something and more.

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      • Punch someone in the face, let your bad self out. You will be liberated.

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        • I might have anger issue but so far I never went physical on people yet. If I ever do that though, that means that person must've pissed me off to the max which so far not happening yet thankfully.

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  • If you met me you would think I'm super nice. But I'm an asshole. I love being one. Like not holding the lift for someone racing toward the door. Or speeding up in a merge lane. Or leading telemarketers on.

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  • “It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”

    ― Andre Gide

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    • Fucking ouch..this is one of the worst guilt trip I ever feel!

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  • If you have to hide any ounce of your true personality or who you really are, you’re not hanging out with the right people.

    Maybe some of the traits you described (like anger issues) are not favorable, but no one is 100% happy-go-luck or miss sunshine pooping rainbows our their ass.

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