I don't know if something is off, opinions?
I get a strong urge to kill, not family (I was taught that family sticks together no matter what). To torture people for days in many different ways and watch them suffer physically as I have suffered mentally. Then after days of that, then maybe giving them mercy to allow death to come. I dont understand why I get these feelings so strong and they are in a manner of speaking, pleasurable (not sexual pleasure). It's pretty much a daily thought on random people of seeing on how easy it would be to make a person disappear and never return. How bad I'd love to act on this is scary and the funny thing is, it's not the fear of the law or the repercussions of the actions that stop me. I have my reasons why I do not act on it. The darkness that lives inside of me kinda scares and soothes me. I've only had a couple "black outs" (if you will) that when I came back, the results....well let's just put it this way, I really enjoyed the power I felt over the person that i was about to cause harm to. Luckily, I came back in time because there is no telling how far that side of me was willing to go. The thing that scares me the most is when that side took over, I loved it. On the outside, that's not me. Constant war inside my head. I was always told that I could never kill anyone, but I actually feel as if I could and go then go on my daily like as if it was just washing the dishes. Lol. Anyway, opinions? Am I normal? Mentally handicapped? A couple bolts loose? I know to act on it would be the end of me because I would lose the one thing I've been fighting for for the past 4 years and I'm not going to lose her for something so petty.