I don't believe in putting time and energy into pleasing other people

I believe it is pointless to try to please other people. I believe it is yourself that should be pleased, regardless if other people are pleased or not. It is nearly impossible to please other people, but there is one person that is possible to satisfy, And that is yourself. Not only is it easier than pleasing other people, it is what should matter more. I never understood why people waste their energy on trying to please other people. Like I said, it is nearly impossible and it's just a waste of time. All for nothing. And then those same people end up being the ones that are hurt. Why do something pointless, that'll just hurt you? That makes it even more stupid. The point is, it is better if you are pleased, not other people. It is better and easier.

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  • The best quote I’ve ever seen about this is from Elizabeth Parker: “The only thing wrong with trying to please everyone is that there is always at least one person who will remain unhappy. You.”

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  • “It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”

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  • Going out of your way to please others, to the point of disregarding your own needs or sacrificing your own wellbeing is unhealthy. But disregarding other people and unnecesarily hurting others in pursuit of your own interests is selfish and not a good way to live in my opinion.

    It's important to have healthy balance of looking out for the people in your life while making sure to also take care of yourself, and make sure your own needs are met.

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    • Tell that to my sister who is the ultimate people pleaser EVER to the downfall of her health. She even said to me the other day shes about to have a mental breakdown but continues to be an ott people pleaser.
      Her own fault really

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      • That's on her. She's about to have a mental breakdown, but continues to do what caused this in the first place? And all for NOTHING at that. Doesn't make sense, right?

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    • No, you HAVE to make sure at least your needs are taken care of before wasting your time on other people. Although, it shouldn't matter at all if other people are pleased or not. It is way better if you make sure you're pleased.

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      • It depends what you mean by pleasing other people, you shouldn't worry about fitting into other peoples expectations of you or follow a path in life that you're not satisfied with, just because of how people will judge you.

        However disregarding the feelings of people you care about or doing things that you know will cause them harm is very toxic behaviour that will hurt you as well in the long run.

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        • It can only hurt certain people. And what I mean by pleasing other, is spending all your time trying to make sure other people are happy. I think it is more important that YOU are happy, over other people being happy.

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          • I've found personally I feel happiest when I know that my friends and loved ones are happy and well off, so I have no problem putting energy into making sure that they're doing well, and providing support when needed.

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            • I agree with what the OP is saying as well as you. Sometimes it actually just feels good to help people, to know you are doing your part, etc. The truth is, people do have expectations, which is natural in dealing with people. There is some aspect of ‘showing up’ to life that is normal or expected. Of course, you are welcome to ‘do as you please’ as the OP suggests; but this might piss off people you know and love. Do it for the right reasons! Like if moving across the country is in your best interest vs just making other people comfortable knowing you’re close by (even on a leash) etc, vs deliberately and almost childishly not doing things just because you don’t want to, like something that would be decent - like responding to a text in a certain time frame, etc.

              There’s def an unhealthy path on both sides. Pleasing yourself alone can be an impossible act as well, because at some point it becomes about feeding the ego’s unnecessary or darker aspects, vs nourishing us and giving us what we need.
              TL;DR, it’s your life, do what you want and what you want with it, but you aren’t the only person on the planet and we aren’t meant to be isolated king hermits who just please ourselves. Anyone in the spiritual or religious community knows it’s good for the soul to think of others.

              The downside as you said is when you are living your life in such a way it’s to make yourself or others only comfortable, which is based deeply out of fear, judgment, etc. it’s not our best life, or being on the path to be.

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            • Oh..keep on doing that, and you'll just end up hurt.

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  • Depends on the situation. If you don't care about pleasing others in some situations everyone will be much more unhappy in this world and it'll affect you too. Also I have way too much empathy to be rude to others. Going out of your way 24/7 and putting everyone else first I absolutely agree that's not healthy but to be kind here and there when possible, why not?

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    • It won't affect anyone, except someone who cares. It is not someone's job to please other people in ANY situation. It isn't anyone's fault if others choose to be unhappy because someone is not wasting their time on them.

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      • You sound like a psychopath someone I'd never associate with anyway. Completely lacking empathy is scary.

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        • Psychopath? How come? It is TRUE. Putting the time and energy into people's happiness is a waste of time. You can deny that though. Also, which one am I? First I get called a narcissist, then I get called a sociopath, and now I am a psychopath? Geez, you people can't make up your mind.

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  • I see this a LOT with my girlfriend. I tend to be on the other end of the spectrum with it. I use an example often when I'm talking about cooking for other people. I really just cook what I would want for myself, and if they don't like it that's their problem. Usually people end up liking what I cook more because of this.

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    • That's good. It matters more if you are pleased.

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  • I voted agree, and I also agree with Girlinadarkcorner's comments. I woke up in a mood this morning. 😒

    There's this person know who literally called me twice last night after midnight, and then he texted me this:
    "Hi Rose this is so&so and it's important can you pick up",
    ...and then texted,
    "????". 😑

    I just felt like that person was clueless about boundaries, entitled and a little too demanding for my taste. I've helped that person in the past, but it's not uncommon for me to end up feeling like like he's kinda trying to sweet talk me, which I don't like. It may sound cliché, but it really is like no good deed goes unpunished. When I take time out of my life to listen to someone, and try to help that person, but they hit on me I just think this isn't what I signed up for, and my kindness wasn't an invitation for anything. 😖

    Yeah, so I've got this person who wants to talk to me about their problems, but instead I'm here helping my 80 year old mother make seafood chowder, because at least my mother will appreciate my help as opposed to some dude telling me bullshit like, "I just called to hear your voice." I'm like, no, thank you, I didn't sign up for this bullshit! 🙄

    I really just wish I could get a couple of Siamese kittens, and a good pupper! 😍

    The more a person wants me to be there, becomes kinda demanding and entitled expecting a reply the less I want to reply at all. I know it's not very nice, but Ive got better things to do. 😤

    ... and on top of all of that I think I might be allergic to that crappy Old Bay season that all these Mid Atlantic folks here in Delaware seem to rave about. UGH! That stuff is literally stinging my eyes, and skin! 😰😱

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    • Haha yeah, animals are the best. I think you should get some kittens and a puppy. And yes, that is another thing. When you are too kind and put time and effort into other people's needs, they can sometimes take that as an invitation. They'll take that as an invitation for all sorts of things. Sometimes it can make people feel entitled to get something from you. I think it is okay to sometimes disregard other people.

      I know it's not very nice, but Ive got better things to do".

      No, you aren't being rude. It actually is a good thing.

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      • Thank you! 😊

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      • Yes, I support you in your assertion! I really have to agree, and unfortunately the thing is that if you, and I have gotten to this point, it's because we've lived our codependent lives as people pleasers. Learning to set boundaries, and stick to your guns is definitely a learned skill. I'm not embarrassed to admit that I came from a dysfunctional family. I've been blessed that my parents didn't abuse substances, but we're still dysfunctional.

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        • I actually have never been a people pleaser. I have always been like this. I've always kind of thought pleasing other people was pointless. I guess I might actually see why you might think I once was a people pleaser though.

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          • This is kinda embarrassing, but I wonder if I learned to be this way, because people yelled, and screamed a lot in my family of origin, and I dealt with some bullying in my youth. I think some of us have been through enough bullshit that when some people are nice, because they're trying to butter us up to ask for favors we might not always be entirely aware.

            It's good that you aren't a people pleaser.

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  • Depends on what you are calling your needs. Most of us have a lot more than our needs, and it doesn't hurt to help someone that truly needs something. I personally get great satisfaction if I can help somebody or make them happier. Of course there are users out there and you just have to learn what your limits are before the giving makes you unhappy.

    I'm also not sure you truly can or understand the concept of making yourself happy. If you had everything you ever wanted and any friends you may possibly have, didn't have anything, would you be happy?

    Along with the fact every action has a reaction. When you buy something to make you happy, you have just made a lot of people happy. The seller, distributor, the marketer, the makers, on and on. If you steal something when you get caught you're going to make somebody happy.

    I understand you, as meaning going out of your way to make somebody happy putting off your own happiness or desires. Well I think when you grow up and have a relationship you'll find there are many times you put off your own desires to satisfy the needs or desires of your partner, and hopefully they do the same for you.

    As I said, don't get me wrong there are users out there, that you can never satisfy and that never return the appreciation. Those you learn to recognize and cut your losses early.

    Maybe you're right! I give, put time and energy into pleasing other people because it pleases me to see them happy. And yes some of those people are just selfish shit heads that care about nobody but themselves. But I give not looking for the return.

    This is the season for giving it gives me great pleasure to share my good fortune to those less fortunate and that I care about and love, whether it's returned or not.

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    • "Depends on what you are calling your needs. Most of us have a lot more than our needs, and it doesn't hurt to help someone that truly needs something. I personally get great satisfaction if I can help somebody or make them happier. Of course there are users out there and you just have to learn what your limits are before the giving makes you unhappy".

      Hmm, okay.

      "I'm also not sure you truly can or understand the concept of making yourself happy. If you had everything you ever wanted and any friends you may possibly have, didn't have anything, would you be happy?".

      Yes.

      "long with the fact every action has a reaction. When you buy something to make you happy, you have just made a lot of people happy. The seller, distributor, the marketer, the makers, on and on. If you steal something when you get caught you're going to make somebody happy".

      Okay?

      "I understand you, as meaning going out of your way to make somebody happy putting off your own happiness or desires. Well I think when you grow up and have a relationship you'll find there are many times you put off your own desires to satisfy the needs or desires of your partner, and hopefully they do the same for you".

      Don't really get why you said " when you grow up " but alright. Also, I don't get into relationships. Relationships are too much, and just aren't for me. I'm aromantic btw. And I definitely am not going to put my own desires and happiness to the side for someone else.

      "As I said, don't get me wrong there are users out there, that you can never satisfy and that never return the appreciation. Those you learn to recognize and cut your losses early".

      Yes, I know and there are some more sneaky than others. Which is why you need to watch out. Anyways, user or not, it isn't good to put away your happiness for other people. It's just not.

      "Maybe you're right! I give, put time and energy into pleasing other people because it pleases me to see them happy. And yes some of those people are just selfish shit heads that care about nobody but themselves. But I give not looking for the return"

      It's not as good as you think. And if you keep on giving without getting anything in return, people will take that as an invitation to get anything they want from you. Don't you think you deserve something back for thinking about other people? Why do something for someone else, if they're not going to get something back for it?

      "This is the season for giving it gives me great pleasure to share my good fortune to those less fortunate and that I care about and love, whether it's returned or not".

      ...

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      • It's not as good as you think. And if you keep on giving without getting anything in return, people will take that as an invitation to get anything they want from you.

        That's up to you, only give what you're happy to give.

        Don't you think you deserve something back for thinking about other people?

        No, that's why it's called giving, not taking, trading, or swapping.

        Why do something for someone else, if they're not going to get something back for it?

        It's not all about you! Also answered in last paragraph.

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        • "That's up to you, only give what you're happy to give".

          I guess.

          "No, that's why it's called giving, not taking, trading, or swapping".

          I know that. There is something called giving back.

          "It's not all about you! Also answered in last paragraph".

          Hmmm, Was I talking about me? No. it's not ALL about about other people either.

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  • It pleased me that you put the time and energy into posting about it 🤣

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    • Great. I was bored.

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