I crave a spanking

You can hire someone to do it.

Yeah - visit a "massage parlour" and hint at your desires.

Go to a professional place and do it legally man

Yeah if you really want it pay I guess, but FFS no gun!!!!!!

Pay a prostitute. Remember to keep a gun on you.

If you can afford it, you could pay a sex worker to spank you.

Try your local schoolyard.