I can’t stand my bf kid

Here it goes. I’m just going to say what a woman shouldn’t say. I’m not a huge fan of kids. Never was. I’m 40 now but knew very early on that kids were not something I wanted. When my sister had kids that changed somewhat. I feel unconditional love for them. They’re older now, but I remember the toddler years. They had their moments of brattiness but overall were sweet funny little things. I’m now in a serious relationship with a man who has a child with his ex. We’ve been together 6 months. The kid is 3. And I can’t stand him. Bratty whiny demanding selfish and manipulative. I’m convinced his mother is a narcissist. And I hate her. My bf is sweet kind and a great dad. Except I feel like he is being run by his 3 yo!!! I’m terrified of taking the next step in the relationship (cohabitation and/or marriage) because of this child and his crazy ex. I have a great career, make decent money and own my own house. My bf shares 50/50 custody w his ex. We’ve discussed cohabitation. He owns his own house but we agreed we’d live at mine (which is more ideal) if we were to take that step. The thought of having this child living in my home gives me chills. I think my bf and I have very different ideas of parenting. He asks the kids opinion on everything!!! It’s ok to give a child choices like: do you want a hot dog or hamburger? but beyond that, no. Adults/parent should be setting the agenda and guiding the child. I think this kid needs a spanking (like yesterday). I’m full of resentment. I’ve told my bf my concerns somewhat. That I don’t think we are on the same page with parenting. And that I just don’t think I can do this after a few really difficult days with this bratty kid. I just feel torn. I love my bf so much and I’ve never had this kind of connection before. I feel like he’s my soulmate. But part of me feels that I should let him go. It feels wrong to have this much anger and resentment towards a child. The only reason I’m randomly posting on this site is that I’m ashamed of how I feel. And I’d love advice from anyone who can relate. I feel so alone right now and unsure of whether I should just cut my bf loose...

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Comments ( 14 )
  • Tommythecaty

    News flash, all three year olds are total pieces of shit. It’s normal and it’s not forever.

    You are seeing traits of the mothers narcissism because a three year old is basically a mentally handicapped psychopath until they later develop a proper conscience through socialisation.

    They do grow out of it more rapidly than you’d think lol.

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    • Icyredhead

      Lol thank you for this. I really did laugh out loud 😂 makes me feel better

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      • Mark92

        Since you are the Original Poster, I will tell you all that all that is needed is to admit him to school, school teaches discipline, keeps them occupied with studies, helps them socialize with age groups, teaches them to respect authority and sets goals and accomplishments that they need to achieve. All infants are whiney till they start school, so politely try to convince your BF to send him to school as soon as he he is ready. Education is key to civility.

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      • Tommythecaty

        You’re very welcome.

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  • howaminotmyself

    If you are serious about the relationship, you could probably benefit from some lessons in early childhood development. 3 year olds are difficult for a reason, they don't have the mental capacity to process information. That bratty behavior is a form of communication the adult needs to decipher. Some are way more challenging that others. And try not to use the word brat, the preschool community I belonged to always used "spirited." Although that describes just about any difficult child.

    And while you may not always enjoy the child, I hope you don't badmouth the mom in front of them. That is never helpful. Just remember the kid truly doesn't know better and needs good role models.

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    • Icyredhead

      Thank you for your recommendation. And I agree; I’ve never said one bad word about his mother in front of the child. changing the adjective to spirited is a helpful way to reframe the child’s behavior

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  • Mini69

    If you proceed with this you have at least 15 years of parenting to endure before he is an adult. The teenage years and the toddler years can be quite similar in many ways. He will probably turn in to a nice kid in a year or so and that will be ok till around about 13 or 14. Then you have 5 or 6 years of rebellion to endure and you will definitely hear the words ‘I don’t have to do anything you say, you’re not my mother’ or something to that effect, on multiple occasions. By then you have invested lots of years in your relationship and feel it’s too late to bale out. Age is also not on your side by then and there is the danger of some long term resentment setting in.

    To be brutally honest my advice would be to get out now and get it over with.

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  • SkullsNRoses

    If you feel like you’re going to abuse the child REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THE SITUATION.

    Step back, take a few days to think it over then discuss your concerns with your boyfriend. The child’s safety and well-being comes first.

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    • Icyredhead

      Lol who said anything about abuse? This comment is not helpful at all

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      • SkullsNRoses

        You are full of anger and resentment towards the child and said yourself that you think he needs a spanking. This is how people become abusive towards children, the rage and resentment take over. Don’t be that person and remove yourself from the situation.

        If you cannot handle the child that’s a valid reason to end the relationship, his behaviour problems will not be fixed overnight and he isn’t going anywhere.

        If you want to stay I second the advice to learn more about children of this age and how to parent them but add that you need to remain aware of your own anger and seek therapy if you are struggling to control it. Lashing out at a child is never acceptable and will only make the situation worse, don’t let it get to that point.

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  • 1WeirdGuy

    Make sure you arent mean to the kid plz. I knew this kid growing up and his dad got with this one lady and she immediately started taking over and telling the kids what they could and couldnt do. They use to be able to spend the night over my house but when she came into the picture she didnt let them do anything. The dad had to ask the step mom about everything and they hated her guts. You could tell she resented them. And everyone was miserable. Its not fair to the kid. Discipline is good but dont let the resentment for the situation make you act on emotion and treat the kid like a bully.

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    • Icyredhead

      I’ve never been mean to him. The kid really likes me honestly. I just don’t like him. I’m hoping it’s because he’s 3. But I’m seeing a lot of traits of the mother. Who is a narcissist scum human. But you just reinforced the kind of feedback I’d get if I were to say this out loud. So glad I said it here where I would not be crucified publicly...

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      • 1WeirdGuy

        It sounds like your disdain for the mother is causing you to dislike him. He's not the mother you should fight those emotions. If you truly love your man you'll try to love his son as well. Everything you do and say molds them into who they become as they get older. If you always yell at him or whatever that could affect his confidence as he gets older. You have to be strategic in how you raise children. You're raising them to be adults. Discipline and spanking is sometimes necessary but you have to think about how its effecting him. You gotta put in effort to be nice to him. He will definitely grow on you overtime. Quit seeing his mother in him. I think eventually you'll see him as your own son and it will get easier.

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        • Icyredhead

          I think you’ve got a valid point about the mother. And hopefully I do grow to love him. But I have always been kind to him. And everything I do is in his best interests

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