Thanks for writing this. I've been trying to figure out something similar. I've always been a loner, but lately I've had chances to make friends practically thrown in my face. The problem is, I've been feeling like I'm missing something most people have: the urge to make friends, genuine interest in people, warm feelings towards people they care about. That sort of thing. It made it look kind of pointless for me to make friends at all, since they'd no doubt be approaching it from a perspective of genuine interest and affection, and what would I have to offer them in return? The implication that I feel the same way when I don't? A smile I don't really feel? All I'd be giving them is a mask with nothing under it.
However, lately I've realized I made the situation seem too polarizing. Maybe most people don't feel as affectionate as they make themselves look. And I'm not as emotionless as I make myself sound (even to myself). So the situation isn't as dire as I painted it. But I still can't feel things as strongly as I'd like to.
I'm theorizing that my existential outlook is to blame. Basically, my train of thought sank into: Nothing lasts => Nothing matters => There's no reason to work hard or feel things so strongly. And I've been trying to dig myself out of there, tried to be more motivated, all the while not bothering to figure out why I feel that way or whether I really want to feel any differently. It seems like I'm pretty attached to my existential outlook so I'll have to figure out how to overcome it.
Can you relate?
I am not genuine. I can't empathize, apologize, or sympathize.
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Thanks for writing this. I've been trying to figure out something similar. I've always been a loner, but lately I've had chances to make friends practically thrown in my face. The problem is, I've been feeling like I'm missing something most people have: the urge to make friends, genuine interest in people, warm feelings towards people they care about. That sort of thing. It made it look kind of pointless for me to make friends at all, since they'd no doubt be approaching it from a perspective of genuine interest and affection, and what would I have to offer them in return? The implication that I feel the same way when I don't? A smile I don't really feel? All I'd be giving them is a mask with nothing under it.
However, lately I've realized I made the situation seem too polarizing. Maybe most people don't feel as affectionate as they make themselves look. And I'm not as emotionless as I make myself sound (even to myself). So the situation isn't as dire as I painted it. But I still can't feel things as strongly as I'd like to.
I'm theorizing that my existential outlook is to blame. Basically, my train of thought sank into: Nothing lasts => Nothing matters => There's no reason to work hard or feel things so strongly. And I've been trying to dig myself out of there, tried to be more motivated, all the while not bothering to figure out why I feel that way or whether I really want to feel any differently. It seems like I'm pretty attached to my existential outlook so I'll have to figure out how to overcome it.
Can you relate?