You seem like a tortured soul. Idk man this really doesn't provide much insight other than your train of thought. I'm sorry if this advice is completely useless but I would try and look at the issue objectively and find out what's going wrong and make a plan to work with it, be that going to therapy or analyzing the root of the problems and then coming up with constructive solutions yourself. Good luck.
I am a horrible person, you dont even know
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You seem like a tortured soul. Idk man this really doesn't provide much insight other than your train of thought. I'm sorry if this advice is completely useless but I would try and look at the issue objectively and find out what's going wrong and make a plan to work with it, be that going to therapy or analyzing the root of the problems and then coming up with constructive solutions yourself. Good luck.