I’m sad all the time

Get ready because I have a lot to say. First off my mom was abusive. She used to shove socks down my throat and smother me with a pillow. I would have yelling fits as a kid if I didn’t get what I want so that’s what she would do. I was sent to 10 impatient psychiatric facilities or about 20 if you count stays at a local hospital. Basically what would happen is I would throw a fit, she would call the cops and I would be sent to a hospital where they would do an evaluation and place me in an impatient facility. If you don’t know what that is it’s basically a nuthouse. In these places they use intimidation to make sure you are respectful. I would get strapped down to a table by my wrists and ankles. The staff were physical when it wasn’t necessary. I stopped being sent to facilities at 17 because I learned how to control myself. My mom is mentally ill and no I’m not just saying that because I hate her. She has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. She claims to have changed her ways but I’m not buying it. My whole family hates her but in the back of my head I say ‘’well she has a mental illness we should be helping her!’’ Then again she did ruin my life. Now I’m in an eternal state of depression and hatred and I can’t escape. I know what it’s like to be happy but I don’t how to get there again. I have no friends and I’m pretty socially awkward because I have been around weirdos all my life. I’m living with my grandparents now but I can’t be happy. What is wrong with me? I don’t want to be depressed anymore. Should I forgive my mom or does she deserve to live in solitude and think about the things she’s done?

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Comments ( 12 ) Sort: best | oldest
  • My dad was ill too and a car crash of a parent.
    He did a shitty job trying to be a dad and I shouldn't forgive any of the stuff he did. But now I'm an adult I totally see that he was just ill so I feel like I should make an effort. He is really trying nowadays.
    My siblings couldn't give a flying fuck and I think that's perfectly reasonable tbh so I guess it's totally down to how you feel.

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  • And I understand the sadness too. Ive been in a ward before for suicide attempt. The nurses there were also very physical and kept drawing my blood for absolutely no reason.

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  • nobody has any idea how bad I crave a normal life. somedays I feel like I should just end it all. no friends, my siblings hate me, my siblins friends hate me, everyone hates me. im not going to end it because I still believe in god after all the shit i’ve been through. when I was normal at one point I took everything for granted. I didn’t realize how bad it could get. I had everything I wanted and I didn’t realize the value of it at the time. God dammit.

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  • As bad as I feel for her, I can’t help but think how much better my life would’ve been without her. I did some things to contribute to why my life is shitty, but she really fucked it up. What I was going through was treatable but she went at it with a stupid approach. its crazy how people with bpd effect the people around them more than themselves.

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  • Forgiveness is in your heart. You can forgive your mom and still never ever see her again. If it will bring you peace, do so.

    As a survivor myself I have forgiven my brother and dad, but they will never see me, or hear my voice again.

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  • Borderline is basically inherited. Stay away from your Mom. When you are on your own, perhaps a light dose of an anti-depressant medication would help you.

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  • Forgive your mum and move on.

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  • Hope you can hang on a little longer if you can *hugs*

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  • Don't forgive her if you don't want to. You don't owe her anything if she's abused you. I understand were youre coming from as my birth father was a pedophile and abused me and mom. People have told me to forgive him and move on, but I never will. He doesn't deserve forgiveness. Out of respect for myself and half respect for my mom (half because shes still a bitch who abandoned me), I will never forgive him. I hope to actually kill him one day if I can find him. He screwed up my life forever so he doesn't deserve a second chance. Youre mom doesn't either. Its up to you, but youre not obligated to do anything.

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  • I would stay away from her. Borderlines do not change. But hopefully you can move out on your own and meet some people that are able to regulate there emotions because most people won't treat you like that.

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