How to get over your first love?

67% Normal
5 Comments

I already know I’m going to get a lot of judgement, more judgment in real life then I would on here. So that’s why I’m here.
Our story is very different. He’s 42, I’m 20. I met him when I was 17 and I honest to God totally fell in love. We met each other as a fluke and hit it off. No, I’ve never had daddy issues and i was never once with an older man but Jesus he was a thrill. He was so fun and we had the time of our lives after we started going out a few times. When I was 19, it has became super serious and it was a secret. My family didn’t know and neither did his. He had a daughter 3 years older then me. Long story short, we got found out, and EVERYBODY turned on him. His daughter, his ex told everybody he was a pedophile, all my friends heard of it and was very grossed out that a young girl like me would want a man that’s OLDER then my father.... it was so shameful. He still loved me, and we still kept it going. But goddamn was it hard. After so long we both decided we couldn’t do it anymore. All the nasty comments we would get, and the more I thought about it, I would want to actually find a man my age to settle with so we could have a life. This guy has already lived his life and hasn’t got 60 years left like I do. We were very honest about this to each other. We both wanted to live a life without shame.

I went through WAVES of emotions. Of course I had no friends or family to go to about it because they figured it was a one time thing and it was a year ago in their minds.
This guy is the first mature man I’ve ever been with. He helped me through a lot of shit with his wisdom and he was very stable. Never fucked me over. I loved him so much. I consider him my first love because I never had a boyfriend for longer then 5 months before him. Of course him being 42 he’s been through breakups before.
It shook me to the core when after a million talks about how it has to end between the both of us, I wanted to slam the breaks and say “NO, NO, I DONT WANT THIS TO END, I CANT SEE MYSELF WITH ANOTHER MAN, IM SO COMFORTABLE WITH YOU” and we argued over that. He of course felt the same but was a lot more mature about it. We started seeing each other less and less but it made my anger grow more and more. How can I just go from talking to you all day every day for years to considering you my ex. How am I supposed to be your friend if I know I’m gonna go crazy when you find another woman. It’s eating me alive and I keep pressing the subject to him and it angers him because all he’s doing is repeating himself to me. He tells me “I love you enough that seeing you in a stable happy relationship would make me smile, that maybe we can catch up from time to time about our lives, I’ve never had a woman like you but it just cannot me I can’t live with my family hating me” and it just breaks me inside.
Advice please internet since I have nobody else to go to lol

Voting Results
67% Normal
Based on 6 votes (4 yes)
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Comments ( 5 )
  • Ivarest
    4 years ago

    This is a completely normal heartbreak. Only time can heal you.

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  • Skarmatic
    4 years ago

    I sympathize with you. I was 16 and found a 31 year old woman (she worked at my school). It was exhilarating. She always listened to me and made me feel okay. It ended up turning super bad, people found out, court stuff, arrest, no closure, etc. I knew it was weird and completely abnormal. In my situation, I think I was definitely preyed on instead of actually having a relationship, but I relate in the sense of being in love and not knowing how the hell to get over it.

    I know/knew we could never be together, but I never wanted it to end, especially the way it did. Everyone found out and completely shamed her and felt sorry for me. We loved each other. It sounds crazy, but you may be able to relate, but me and this teacher were on a "no contact" contract, meaning she couldn't reach out to me. So me being the in love teenager I was, I texted her all the time telling her I missed her, needed her, felt lost with out her. It all ended so abruptly, and I feel I definitely looked like the "crazy ex girlfriend."

    I'm almost surprised and in shock that he's not a bad person, at least in your eyes. I didn't think this teacher was bad until I started going to therapy, and explained my story. I'm not sure if you were groomed at all, how this relationship came to be, but I feel like there might be a deeper story that I'm not aware of to this. In the odd case that it was healthy, I'm not going to lie to you, it's going to be extremely hard to get over it. I lived it myself.

    Figure out what you loved about this man and what characteristics stuck out to you the most. Maybe you're looking for thrill. What drew you to him despite his age. I feel like you're going through a grief cycle, so your emotions will probably continue spinning without proper treatment, or just time itself. Using logic, this relationship will never work out. I know you know that too, but it's such a difficult thing to get across to yourself. If you would like someone to talk to feel free to message me because I know how difficult this transition is.

    I wish you the best.

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  • SmokeEverything
    4 years ago

    Just fuck somebody else

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  • Clunk42
    4 years ago

    Judgement? Why would we judge you? It sounds to me like the "villain" of the story was his daughter. The only point it was "pedophilia" (in quotes because I don't feel as though less a year really matters) was when you were 17. When you got found out, it wasn't pedophilia. It sounds to me like your friends were beng overly judgemental.

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  • momwatcher69
    4 years ago

    Kinda sad, actually.

    I'm not going to vote: normal/not-normal, because that would be 'judgemental', and you're not here, looking for that.

    You're only 22 years apart, so when he's 80, you'll be 58. No biggy.

    HOWEVER, I'm a little irritated, that he encouraged this relationship, when you first met. Seems rather selfish, to me. He should not have taken advantage, of you, as a 17 year old, vulnerable teenager. (it was also illegal-if physical intimacy was involved)
    No offense, but you WERE a "kid", and were most likely unsure of yourself, and your future direction, in life. You were also very impressionable, at 17, as most teenagers are.

    For perspective, you said his daughter is 3 years older than you, and he is older than your Dad.

    As the "mature, together" guy, you portray him to be, he should've known better, than to let this "go" anywhere.

    You really want internet/non-family advice? Let this go, and find someone more your age, and mindset. It's ok to try and find another love, closer to your age, and goals, and maybe have some of the same traits, of this older man.

    You have college, career, social life, marriage, and possible family of your own, to look forward to. Someone to grow old WITH.

    I can tell by your post, that you're a considerate and sensible young woman, and you already know (in your heart) what needs to happen. Trust me (60 years old) that you WILL get over this, in time.
    I remember MY 1st love. Sweet memories, but we all move on.

    Both your families, will be relieved, and they will move on, from this "episode" too.

    We ALL have a 'first love', but you do realize it won't be your 'last love', right?

    P.S. I can understand your two families not liking this situation, but if your "friends" didn't have your back, throughout this relationship, then you also will need new (real) friends, whom you can lean on, through thick-and-thin.

    Let this go, find "yourself", and move forward. Best Wishes!

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