That sounds like a very codependent, and unhealthy, even toxic situation. I can't remember if I've had a friendship exactly like you have described, or not. There's a lot wrong with me, but it's really only the job of myself to work on my issues, and God to fix me.
I'm not a fixer upper, not because there's nothing wrong with me, but because I'm a person, a creature, a living thing, and not an inanimate object like a house, car, boat, motorcycle, or a piece of old furniture.
I really think you should start reading books on codependency, and checkout Codependents Anonymous!
http://coda.org/
Also I think you need to look at the Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-materials1/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/
What is wrong with you that you feel you need someone with a messiah complex to rescue you?
Yes, it probably describes both of ya'll, but that's how codependency works. Codependency is a lot like a dance, an unhealthy dance, but still a dance.
Yes... that was exactly what it was like. I recognized the steps of this 'dance' the moment we'd begun because I'd danced it before. I knew that the future of our friendship would hold a degree of joy and a degree of pain, but I hadn't banked on it flooring me like this.
I think I'm going to cancel my final two mentoring sessions with her. Everything in me longs to have those three hours of her undivided attention, but I can't bear the indignity of the fact that she'd only be spending that time with her because her boss was paying her to. Whatever I might get out of the 'mentoring' will probably be undone anyway in emotional tumult the next Whatsapp message she ignores...
Yes. She called me her 'friend' first. She had just completed a training course in coaching that was funded by the workplace and I was her 'Guinea pig', so to speak. I know a little about therapeutic relationships, having had counseling before (and having given 1-1 language classes in a business context: the demands of professionalism are similar). I didn't want to say anything because I thought that it was maybe just her 'way', and that she would find a way to make it work, but part of me feared that being her friend, colleague and coach-ee could potentially end in trouble. Especially since she kept consciously changing 'hats' mid-session. I strongly insisted that she be just my work coach and not my life coach, and urged her not to change roles, in order to limit how out of hand things can potentially get. But they have gone that way anyway.
Thanks for the help. I don't need anyone with a messiah complex and I hadn't wanted one. I never asked her to do those things for me and was sometimes frankly embarrassed about how one-sided the relationship was, but she wouldn't have it any other way. She would stand aloof when I looked like I was okay. But I do have emotional vulnerabilities and they tend to attract people with messiah complexes. I was new to my career and struggling to do my job and keep my head above the water, and I really needed help.
I'm so glad that my comments were of help to you, dear heart! The thing about people who have these sort of complexes is that they tend to be very controlling, and manipulative. I myself have a mother who is quite controlling, and I think that has left me vulnerable to attract, and on occasion be attracted to certain types of people. When I need a healing female presence in my life I pray the Rosary, but no one can truly heal me other than God as in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. It's not easy, and it still requires much work, and dedication on my part, but it's worth it, because it's from where true healing comes. I can of course get help from doctors, and therapists as well. It's also good to look for assistance from a supervisor, or mentor in a workplace sort of situation. Everything has it's place, and time.
God bless you, Rose. I would not think of my colleague as manipulative because she just seems such a good person, perfect in every way. But looking down that list most things remind me strongly of her - and even her little pep talks and therapist-like overreaches of unwanted (and sometimes bizarrely inappropriate) advice, reflect the therapy aims in that list!
I am inappropriately obsessed with her; she is like an angel. And she triggers a fair number of my mommy issues - Rose, it seems our mothers had something in common.
I love that you find your soul's true help in Father, Son and Holy Spirit alone. I strive to as well. I love praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy but I don't understand devotion to Mary, try as I might. I would love so much to bury myself in the motherliness of such a mother if I could just make spiritual sense of why it is not idolatry to do that. So I pray the Divine Mercy on a decade bracelet that I keep discreetly on my wrist, just without the Hail Mary.
I don't have a therapist but really need one. This codependent woman is my work mentor. As for meds, I take them. Venlafaxine, and I try not to take Benzos unless I really need to...
Thanks again for your input and help. It is wonderful not to feel alone.
I'm glad I could help. Might I suggest that that you could get some books on codependency to read. A great one is called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. There are also some great books out there about Boundaries as well by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
Is this woman your direct supervisor, or a self appointed mentor type of person?
Thank you!! The school is paying her to provide the coaching. First of all though she was self-appointed and she has often blurred the lines. For example when she has tried to 'coach' me outside of coaching sessions and I have said 'we are not in coaching now!' she has said, 'Oh but I am saying this to you because you are my friend!'. And, on one occasion, 'because I love you!' What I would give to hear her say those things now...
I don't know whether to take anything she says seriously any more because none of the promises or resolutions she makes, materialize, and her past affirmations of friendship and love no longer seem to stand.
Have you had a satisfying friendship with someone with a saviour complex?
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That sounds like a very codependent, and unhealthy, even toxic situation. I can't remember if I've had a friendship exactly like you have described, or not. There's a lot wrong with me, but it's really only the job of myself to work on my issues, and God to fix me.
I'm not a fixer upper, not because there's nothing wrong with me, but because I'm a person, a creature, a living thing, and not an inanimate object like a house, car, boat, motorcycle, or a piece of old furniture.
I really think you should start reading books on codependency, and checkout Codependents Anonymous!
http://coda.org/
Also I think you need to look at the Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-materials1/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/
What is wrong with you that you feel you need someone with a messiah complex to rescue you?
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Grunewald
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Grunewald
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I don't know whether this list is supposed to describe her or me. It fits us both pretty well.
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RoseIsabella
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Yes, it probably describes both of ya'll, but that's how codependency works. Codependency is a lot like a dance, an unhealthy dance, but still a dance.
--
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Yes... that was exactly what it was like. I recognized the steps of this 'dance' the moment we'd begun because I'd danced it before. I knew that the future of our friendship would hold a degree of joy and a degree of pain, but I hadn't banked on it flooring me like this.
I think I'm going to cancel my final two mentoring sessions with her. Everything in me longs to have those three hours of her undivided attention, but I can't bear the indignity of the fact that she'd only be spending that time with her because her boss was paying her to. Whatever I might get out of the 'mentoring' will probably be undone anyway in emotional tumult the next Whatsapp message she ignores...
I feel so rotten...
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RoseIsabella
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So she is a mentor that was assigned to you at work?
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Yes. She called me her 'friend' first. She had just completed a training course in coaching that was funded by the workplace and I was her 'Guinea pig', so to speak. I know a little about therapeutic relationships, having had counseling before (and having given 1-1 language classes in a business context: the demands of professionalism are similar). I didn't want to say anything because I thought that it was maybe just her 'way', and that she would find a way to make it work, but part of me feared that being her friend, colleague and coach-ee could potentially end in trouble. Especially since she kept consciously changing 'hats' mid-session. I strongly insisted that she be just my work coach and not my life coach, and urged her not to change roles, in order to limit how out of hand things can potentially get. But they have gone that way anyway.
Thanks for the help. I don't need anyone with a messiah complex and I hadn't wanted one. I never asked her to do those things for me and was sometimes frankly embarrassed about how one-sided the relationship was, but she wouldn't have it any other way. She would stand aloof when I looked like I was okay. But I do have emotional vulnerabilities and they tend to attract people with messiah complexes. I was new to my career and struggling to do my job and keep my head above the water, and I really needed help.
--
RoseIsabella
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I'm so glad that my comments were of help to you, dear heart! The thing about people who have these sort of complexes is that they tend to be very controlling, and manipulative. I myself have a mother who is quite controlling, and I think that has left me vulnerable to attract, and on occasion be attracted to certain types of people. When I need a healing female presence in my life I pray the Rosary, but no one can truly heal me other than God as in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. It's not easy, and it still requires much work, and dedication on my part, but it's worth it, because it's from where true healing comes. I can of course get help from doctors, and therapists as well. It's also good to look for assistance from a supervisor, or mentor in a workplace sort of situation. Everything has it's place, and time.
Hang in there, and I wish you all that best!
--
Grunewald
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God bless you, Rose. I would not think of my colleague as manipulative because she just seems such a good person, perfect in every way. But looking down that list most things remind me strongly of her - and even her little pep talks and therapist-like overreaches of unwanted (and sometimes bizarrely inappropriate) advice, reflect the therapy aims in that list!
I am inappropriately obsessed with her; she is like an angel. And she triggers a fair number of my mommy issues - Rose, it seems our mothers had something in common.
I love that you find your soul's true help in Father, Son and Holy Spirit alone. I strive to as well. I love praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy but I don't understand devotion to Mary, try as I might. I would love so much to bury myself in the motherliness of such a mother if I could just make spiritual sense of why it is not idolatry to do that. So I pray the Divine Mercy on a decade bracelet that I keep discreetly on my wrist, just without the Hail Mary.
I don't have a therapist but really need one. This codependent woman is my work mentor. As for meds, I take them. Venlafaxine, and I try not to take Benzos unless I really need to...
Thanks again for your input and help. It is wonderful not to feel alone.
--
RoseIsabella
4 years ago
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I'm glad I could help. Might I suggest that that you could get some books on codependency to read. A great one is called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. There are also some great books out there about Boundaries as well by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
Is this woman your direct supervisor, or a self appointed mentor type of person?
--
Grunewald
4 years ago
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Thank you!! The school is paying her to provide the coaching. First of all though she was self-appointed and she has often blurred the lines. For example when she has tried to 'coach' me outside of coaching sessions and I have said 'we are not in coaching now!' she has said, 'Oh but I am saying this to you because you are my friend!'. And, on one occasion, 'because I love you!' What I would give to hear her say those things now...
I don't know whether to take anything she says seriously any more because none of the promises or resolutions she makes, materialize, and her past affirmations of friendship and love no longer seem to stand.