Have i ruined my chance with her?
There is this girl in my college that I like but I think I've ruined my chances.
It all started back in mid December, before the college broke up for Christmas. I was retaking English in college since I had failed it in the previous years. I was in a 9am Tuesday morning class but on the final week before the college closed for Christmas I was moved into a 10:30am Tuesday morning class. When I first arrived at the class (probably at about 10:10am) I couldn't help but notice this really cute girl standing outside of the class. I didn't speak to her because I was to scared to.
After that first class, which was also the final class before Christmas, I just thought that I had a small crush on her but I didn't. Throughout the whole of the Christmas holidays I couldn't get her out of my mind. It was at this point where I searched her up on social media and managed to find her. I did this to see if I could find some things out about her. Doing this just made me fall for this girl even more. I didn't try to friend her on social media because I didn't want to look creepy.
After Christmas I promised myself that I would talk to her but I didn't. I would be feeling confident that I would talk to her up until I saw her and then the nerves kicked in and I wussed out. This went on for weeks but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
Fast forward to May 2019 and I had decided that if I didn't speak to her then, I would probably never end up speaking to her. I got to college on our final lesson before the English exam and the same happened again. The moment I saw her, I wussed out. For the rest of the week, I acted happy around people but on the inside I was really upset with myself.
Until, that weekend. Specifically speaking, Sunday. I came up with (what I thought was a good idea at the time) the idea to message her on Instagram. Her Instagram is private so I didn't know whether she would see it or not but she did. I also sent her a follow request. I waited days but heard nothing.
However, one day on the bus coming home from college about a week after I had sent the message, two people who I know from school (but wasn't friends with) got on the bus and sat at the back. I overheard a conversation between them because the bus was fairly empty and quiet. They were talking about how I liked the girl I sent the message to and laughing about me. It turns out that the two people were friends with her. When I got home, I was home alone for about 2 hours and I went upstairs in my room and cried to myself.
On the day of the first English exam, the exam had just finished and i was stood outside the college eating my dinner on my own because it was fairly sunny. I looked down the road and noticed that the girl I liked and one of her friends (not the ones from the bus. It was one I've never seen before) were walking up the road towards the college. I panicked and turned away before they noticed me. As they passed I heard them say something but I didn't quite catch what they said so I don't know if it was a compliment or insult. The words I heard were "he's..." but I didn't catch the bit after that. I turned around nd looked at them. I caught them both looking at me but they turned away quickly and so did I.
That was the last time I saw her and it is now July and the college has broken up for the summer. The next time I could possibly see her is on results day when i collect my english results but that isn't guaranteed. Plus the college have mailed peoples results out in the past rather than giving them out on results day. There is a second year to the course I am doing so I will be back in September. I think she is too but I'm not sure.
Also, I don't know why but I have a weird feeling that the two people who were talking on the bus could have tried to get the girl I like to not like me by telling her negative things that happened to me while I was in school because I was severely bullied in school, a teacher caused trouble with me and one of my bullies pulled a knife on me. I'm not saying the two people told her anything, I'm just saying it's a possibility because of the way people have been acting around me.
I have spent the weeks since the last time I saw her trying to be happy but I am broken on the inside. I love this girl more than I have ever loved anyone before. I've asked out crushes in the past and been rejected but this is the first time I have ever felt this way towards a girl. She hasn't rejected me or accepted me, I've kind of just been left with no reply with mixed signals from people around me. Some of them showing me she likes me and others showing me she doesn't like me. This girl is my everything and I don't know what to do. I kind of feel depressed.
PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE