Globs flying off while wiping

Hire a crack head to wipe for you.

Seriously, I just figured out what you're talking about (I think).

If you are indeed referring to wiping your butt after a shit, maybe you should just try to be a little less vigorous?

Sounds like you must be doing something like a table-tennis forehand smash.

WTF?

Assume this is when you're wiping down the kitchen counter.

Use less Mr Muscle.

One time I was using the bathroom, and this huge glob of poop ended up on the shower. I hope it was not from me.

I think you need to be washed down with a hose after a dump! That should take care of the problem.

Washing down there?

Didn't your mummy ever teach you how to wipe your own bum?

Wipe front to back

Front?

get skinny, turds fall out your ass and into the bowl without touching ass cheeks. its why i dont date fat chicks