Gay, friendly but lonely..
i'm living in a small city in Turkey. I'm gay. I'm 29. I felt that i'm homosexual at the age of 17 and i knew it from the begining that i can't deny it.
after i felt that i'd been living in a bell jarr around my early twenties, i just wanted to come out to people whom i cherish, the ones whom the closest to me all my life.
my coming out always has been hard for me. as homosexuality in turkey is still taboo, you have to put your feelings off if you carry on easily in daily life.
no exposure no pain.
and all of sudden i just felt that i'm living in two state of moods: one is the fake that lives a dull, unfunctional and two-faced story, fullfiling the other's lives to make everything comfy for them and the other is the real whose pain is at its peak at the end of the day when the growing dreams, uneased despair and unfullfilled desires becoming slowly and selfishly at the centre of the life.
i came out to my cousin, who is a lawyer..he ignored me...and at last, in a pitiful act he advised me to get on with girls and get married as if i said nothing.
i came out to my friend,who shared me with her deepest thoughts and secret details, she also couldn't believe and advised me to get married.
after all 5 years i couldn't come out and contact with anyone.
and came out to my mother. she shocked and cursed and advised me how her lonely friends could make it happen in the life...she said to me: don't say anyone that embarasses us..
she also ignores me at the end. she doesn't talk to me about that..she ignores me alot.
and also came out to my friend we have been accquinted with her nearly 15 years.. and she even ignore me...she faced with the fact that not schock but sense of understanding.
what makes me sick about that, everything in turkey and around me playing what we called: three monkeys. no hear no see no talk.
even my mom even my closest friends.
and after all i don't know what to do, where to go.
don't call me prudish or stuck-up, arrogant person but i don't want to meet people over the internet and get secretly involved with sex or carry on a friendship. i don't believe it.
any advise or any hope at the end of the tunnel?