I think you have a few things to sort out, which is entirely natural and nothing to feel embarrassed about. You real need to talk to a professional-- a psychiatrist, psychologist, or a counselor. If you don't have access via a health plan from school or work, google "free counseling services" and your city/area, and you might surprised about the resources.
I think the guy who was 35 when you were a teenager at best took advantage of you unfairly (due to the age difference, your inexperience, and your drinking) and at worst is guilty of statutory rape (depending on your age at the time). That would be a scarring experience for many people.
Next, you have to sort out whether you're gay or not. I am well aware how difficult that is-- I am gay, but did not finally accept that until I was 34! I was so stubborn that I never even fooled around with a guy until that time-- I was determined to make myself straight, which is of course impossible.
No matter whether you are gay or straight, you have to find a way to let go of the guilt (over what you did, and possibly what you may want to do again). A good therapist can help greatly with that process, but in the end you will really have to find a way to accept yourself for who you are and not obsess about the past. Good luck.
Gay experiences causing extreme stress Normal?
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I think you have a few things to sort out, which is entirely natural and nothing to feel embarrassed about. You real need to talk to a professional-- a psychiatrist, psychologist, or a counselor. If you don't have access via a health plan from school or work, google "free counseling services" and your city/area, and you might surprised about the resources.
I think the guy who was 35 when you were a teenager at best took advantage of you unfairly (due to the age difference, your inexperience, and your drinking) and at worst is guilty of statutory rape (depending on your age at the time). That would be a scarring experience for many people.
Next, you have to sort out whether you're gay or not. I am well aware how difficult that is-- I am gay, but did not finally accept that until I was 34! I was so stubborn that I never even fooled around with a guy until that time-- I was determined to make myself straight, which is of course impossible.
No matter whether you are gay or straight, you have to find a way to let go of the guilt (over what you did, and possibly what you may want to do again). A good therapist can help greatly with that process, but in the end you will really have to find a way to accept yourself for who you are and not obsess about the past. Good luck.