Fuck heartbreak
Yeah I'm shameless, at it again. I'm high and I realize both how much I love him and how much I am incapable of loving him. Both are true in their own way. In any case I want so much to know him better, to experience him and experience things with him. And just reach that unreachable depth together. What feelings do to a person, and life decisions, and it sounds cheesy but just all the fucking mysteries of the universe and our minds and hearts and yes, bodies.
And he's the type of guy who can, I think. He can go there. He's smart and brave.
In some ways, brave. In others more of a coward than I would ever tell him because it wouldn't be right to hurt him with that.
What happened, dude? You keep saying these nice things about me, I'm so great, I'm so intelligent, I'm so nice (ugh nice - please don't call me that again, it's very unflattering)... so this and that. You used to tell me I was beautiful and you were attracted to me. You used to talk to me every fucking day. And the minute I realize I wouldn't do anything with anybody else because it would be betraying you, YOU do that very fucking thing to me. And get away with it, it's not cheating because we were never technically in a relationship.
Just in every other way but name.
If you were doing nothing wrong, then why did you feel the need to hide it from me?
And now it's all I'm so great but just no because we're too different/far, blah blah blah (hope to god you forgot I told you I come on here because if you ever fucking see this I'm embarrassed for life).
Okay, WHY won't you date me if you claim to think all this good shit about me and I know you're attracted and you at least for sure care enough to listen to me bringing up this bullshit and you... all that.
Do you know what my heart is doing? It's a deflated balloon. I'm even happier than I've ever been with myself, I'm starting to learn to get my shit together, and good stuff is coming, but I still am so hurt inside. Functional yet broken. You've caused me to grow up more than anyone I've ever known. You're the reason for all of this.
And I feel like I fucking blew it. I missed the boat. It was there and I sat there on the shore while it floated away, looking dumbly down at the weeds. I gave you too much doubt because I wasn't ready yet, you had to break me before I could see what was there to break.
For the love of God if you friendzone me any harder I'll look like a steamroller casualty.
Are you afraid that I'll hurt you? Or what?
(He is not apparently dating this other girl still by the way, if that's what you're thinking. Unless he's lying, then maybe he is. Maybe there's more to the story that he never admitted to me, like that she's actually his ex from before he met me. They could be fucking married for all I know. Fuckhead).
If you got this far, I commend you greatly and sympathize in an equal quantity. And no I don't think I come off this single-mindedly dogged and insane to him as I might to you in this moment.
Fucking shoot me. All I want is to be sitting beside this person right now, just hanging out. Just doing shit together. Or at the very least on the god damn phone. Why is that so hard.