Fallen in love with female friend, she's got a boyfriend
I go to college in California and have been for about a year. It has been on and off, some goods some bads. Really monotone. My life is quite lonely although I usually never got very depressed because i have always been afraid to get attached to things since whenever i do shit happens and things fall apart. I just live with my mother and my father has not been in the picture for some years. I work hard, go to school and pay for everything myself and although i have gotten used to and don't mind this mix my life has gotten very dull through the years, (although i'm still in my very early 20s).
Anyways going to school this semester I meet this really interesting girl from back east. She comes from a town somewhere in upstate New York, initially when i met her nothing was special. Just another pretty face, who i'd make idle conversation with and never see again. Perhaps i could even date her if i got lucky but i DID NOT want to get connected with her, I'd get crushed, and i knew it. Well always, as time went on and the semester deepened, the two of us began to spend more and more time together, we talked about shallow things, deep things and everything in between. I practically know everything about her life, her dream, her plans... her boyfriend..... and that is where the problem lies and it doesn't stop there.
After about a month of knowing her and getting dead near to asking her out to a formal date, i figure out that she has a boyfriend in her town in New york. Judging from her conversation about him they are clearly in the honeymoon stage as they have only been dating for a little while, and she is clearly blindly in love with him (which doesn't look good for me lol).
Shes a really deep girl, and not the kinda deep where i mean she only talks about her own problems. When i speak to her i feel as though i'm speaking to the one person in my life who isn't completely toxic. My mother tries her best but depresses me with her banter about money troubles, i am a bit of a loner because many of my friends in the past have betrayed me and most of my actual friends are my co-workers at burger king and my 2 childhood friends. For once i don't feel as lonely as i did before meeting her and it scares the shit out of me.
This wasn't supposed to happen, i just wanted to get to know this girl have fun, and have another school acquaintance, but i have fallen in love with her and its burning me inside. She's leaving California this summer to live with her boyfriend for good in new york and i don't know what to do. I have lived a pretty difficult life after my parents falling out, financial problems, loneliness a lack of direction (even though i work towards a degree that i'm barely passionate about). I wish i had something to fight for instead of the rinse and repeat life that i currently live. I wish i could be with her but I'm so afraid of my current circumstances ruining it. I almost feels as though i'm not good enough for her and i can't believe i'm saying this because i never do, but the things surrounding my life are such a mess and i don't want to taint hers. My family is a dysfunctional bankrupt mess, my father lives far away with his new girlfriend, we don't even own our own house as my mother can only afford to rent for our cheap apartment. I'm so afraid to offer this girl what i have because it isn't much at all and i feel broken enough as is after all of the crap i've gone through, but i feel as though if i just let her go off and never see her again i will regret this for the rest of my life. From what i see she comes from a perfect world a world i always dreamed of living in. A nice cute house with a close together family, 2 parents that love each other leaving her family with no money problems, brothers and sisters who are actively engaged with one another. I feel as though i can add nothing of value to that picture, even though the two of us have had some great and memorable times together for the past few months. I know her better than her boyfriend does, but I'm so lost, What should i do? Please help.