Hi guy (and all other experienced users)
I can definitely relate. This whole BS about your life choices, you chose now deal with it is completely uncalled for. And I am not whining, poor me the drugs fucked me up, but I never signed up for this crazy shit.
My story in a nutshell:
Late bloomer on weed (around 20) loved it, smoked it socially, I was quite social. Great times laughs, wittiness, dancing, musical euphoria. Then around 23 went to raves and met ecstacy and speed, and had the best nights of my life. My thing was dancing. Until one night, my body was already exhausted and I started feeling slight paranoia on weed, but manageable (in hindsight I should have stopped) then I took two pills, and danced my heart out, until the DJ was mixing for me and I felt like everyone around me was watching me and the music was too much to keep up with until I couldnt feel my legs. I was so ashamed cause I felt everyone was thinking I was a bad dancer. Then I tried to go to another rave to erase this bad experience but instead it was worse and I couldnt feel the music, I HATED the music, and my boyfriend who at the time was my dancing love, got pissed at me for badtripping (he was also high and a jerk in hindsight) and I felt like I couldn't explain myself and couldn't find the words and then I started feeling like my brain was erasing itself and people could see me as a fucked up chick on drugs (BTW, I never did coke, never did more than 3 pills in one night, so very light user, also had my shit together, job, school, place of my own) and then I felt like I was back in the schoolyard when I was 5 years old and had to go pee cause I was sooo nervous). Went home and felt like dying, went online (to diagnose myself and concluded I had multiple personality disorder) felt like a prostitute (for no reason other that I felt like I was crazy/ and was treated like crap by my then bf)
It's been almost 2 years!!!! I still don't feel like myself, I still have trouble talking, I still feel like people can look right through me. I lost my job cause I was having panic attacks, went to therapy (dug out so much childhood bullshit, without addressing the main issue, is that when you badtrip you can think your nightmare is a reality, and you lose control over your mind. I feel like I have a bug in there that is eating away my cells. I'm slower, dumber, and do not laugh unless I pretend to!! I kept smoking weed for a while after that bad trip cause I thought it would work itself out with a better high, but NO!! it gets worst just like you said.
I too had to drop all my friends, even if they stopped smoking and partying I didnt know how to socialize without the party. And it effin sucks, I met so many interesting people that smoke, but I can't hang out with them for now, cause I am always tempted to smoke and feel extremely paranoid around them when I do. I feel shallow, and often scared shitless and feel mostly like a moron for everything I did and wish I had never pushed so far. But it does get better, I have a job, a better apartment, it's just that I'm still socially awkward but I'm hopeful this is the last phase of my recovery. My only recommendation is when you're not feeling right in your mind, DO NOT TAKE DRUGS, it will only make it worse in the end. And when you have a badtrip, get off it for a while. I just reliving my demons tenfold. If any of you have some positive stories of feeling better after feeling horrible please share, it really helps for those of us still going through it. In the end some of us can't handle drugs all their life, and maybe that's okay, I think after a while there's no where else to go but down or around in circles. Best of luck with your detox
Dancegirl123 I feel exactly the same way. I really hope you get this. I started raving when I was 19 and absolutely fell in love with it. I already had some social anxiety but raved with my then best friend and eventually with my girlfriend. She absolutely loved it, and my social anxiety was almost gone, but then everything went downhill. We went to EDC and my friend, who was on acid/experimental stuff, thought we were going to tell someone about their drugs. Him and 2 others threatened me on the balcony of circus circus with a boxcutter. I ended up getting out of it and talking to my friend, grabbing my girlfriend and running away to tell a security guard. I haven't seen any of them since. That whole day I was tripping. I think they put something in the weed they gave me but I cried in the police department all day because I thought I ruined my gf's life, who just got a new job. They had SO MANY drugs in the room but by the grace of God we got charged with nothing. That night was horrible, and I felt like there was a sniper on the roof of the hotel/my friend died and came into my body.
My gf wanted to continue raving when deep down I wanted to stop. This was my mistake, because the drugs were part of the experience. The next few times were ok, but I have horrible panic attacks on a few occasions where I felt all self conscious and she was acting all weird to me :/. When we got back to the room, I would get ptsd and have panic attacks where I felt like if I thought about dying enough, I would die. At the last rave I went to, last EDC, I rolled one day and felt like everyone could sense my energy. Some person on the bus made fun of me talking about how "boring" I was and that made me feel self conscious. So yeah, in a nutshell, I should have stopped going to massives a long time ago, but I wanted to make my gf happy. Now we're broken up, and I know deep down, these panic atacks were part of the reason. She always talks about how the drugs screwed up my brain. It hurts.
drugs fucked up my life.
← View full post
Hi guy (and all other experienced users)
I can definitely relate. This whole BS about your life choices, you chose now deal with it is completely uncalled for. And I am not whining, poor me the drugs fucked me up, but I never signed up for this crazy shit.
My story in a nutshell:
Late bloomer on weed (around 20) loved it, smoked it socially, I was quite social. Great times laughs, wittiness, dancing, musical euphoria. Then around 23 went to raves and met ecstacy and speed, and had the best nights of my life. My thing was dancing. Until one night, my body was already exhausted and I started feeling slight paranoia on weed, but manageable (in hindsight I should have stopped) then I took two pills, and danced my heart out, until the DJ was mixing for me and I felt like everyone around me was watching me and the music was too much to keep up with until I couldnt feel my legs. I was so ashamed cause I felt everyone was thinking I was a bad dancer. Then I tried to go to another rave to erase this bad experience but instead it was worse and I couldnt feel the music, I HATED the music, and my boyfriend who at the time was my dancing love, got pissed at me for badtripping (he was also high and a jerk in hindsight) and I felt like I couldn't explain myself and couldn't find the words and then I started feeling like my brain was erasing itself and people could see me as a fucked up chick on drugs (BTW, I never did coke, never did more than 3 pills in one night, so very light user, also had my shit together, job, school, place of my own) and then I felt like I was back in the schoolyard when I was 5 years old and had to go pee cause I was sooo nervous). Went home and felt like dying, went online (to diagnose myself and concluded I had multiple personality disorder) felt like a prostitute (for no reason other that I felt like I was crazy/ and was treated like crap by my then bf)
It's been almost 2 years!!!! I still don't feel like myself, I still have trouble talking, I still feel like people can look right through me. I lost my job cause I was having panic attacks, went to therapy (dug out so much childhood bullshit, without addressing the main issue, is that when you badtrip you can think your nightmare is a reality, and you lose control over your mind. I feel like I have a bug in there that is eating away my cells. I'm slower, dumber, and do not laugh unless I pretend to!! I kept smoking weed for a while after that bad trip cause I thought it would work itself out with a better high, but NO!! it gets worst just like you said.
I too had to drop all my friends, even if they stopped smoking and partying I didnt know how to socialize without the party. And it effin sucks, I met so many interesting people that smoke, but I can't hang out with them for now, cause I am always tempted to smoke and feel extremely paranoid around them when I do. I feel shallow, and often scared shitless and feel mostly like a moron for everything I did and wish I had never pushed so far. But it does get better, I have a job, a better apartment, it's just that I'm still socially awkward but I'm hopeful this is the last phase of my recovery. My only recommendation is when you're not feeling right in your mind, DO NOT TAKE DRUGS, it will only make it worse in the end. And when you have a badtrip, get off it for a while. I just reliving my demons tenfold. If any of you have some positive stories of feeling better after feeling horrible please share, it really helps for those of us still going through it. In the end some of us can't handle drugs all their life, and maybe that's okay, I think after a while there's no where else to go but down or around in circles. Best of luck with your detox
--
johnnybrav0
9 years ago
|
pl
Comment Hidden (
show
)
Report
0
0
Dancegirl123 I feel exactly the same way. I really hope you get this. I started raving when I was 19 and absolutely fell in love with it. I already had some social anxiety but raved with my then best friend and eventually with my girlfriend. She absolutely loved it, and my social anxiety was almost gone, but then everything went downhill. We went to EDC and my friend, who was on acid/experimental stuff, thought we were going to tell someone about their drugs. Him and 2 others threatened me on the balcony of circus circus with a boxcutter. I ended up getting out of it and talking to my friend, grabbing my girlfriend and running away to tell a security guard. I haven't seen any of them since. That whole day I was tripping. I think they put something in the weed they gave me but I cried in the police department all day because I thought I ruined my gf's life, who just got a new job. They had SO MANY drugs in the room but by the grace of God we got charged with nothing. That night was horrible, and I felt like there was a sniper on the roof of the hotel/my friend died and came into my body.
My gf wanted to continue raving when deep down I wanted to stop. This was my mistake, because the drugs were part of the experience. The next few times were ok, but I have horrible panic attacks on a few occasions where I felt all self conscious and she was acting all weird to me :/. When we got back to the room, I would get ptsd and have panic attacks where I felt like if I thought about dying enough, I would die. At the last rave I went to, last EDC, I rolled one day and felt like everyone could sense my energy. Some person on the bus made fun of me talking about how "boring" I was and that made me feel self conscious. So yeah, in a nutshell, I should have stopped going to massives a long time ago, but I wanted to make my gf happy. Now we're broken up, and I know deep down, these panic atacks were part of the reason. She always talks about how the drugs screwed up my brain. It hurts.