I'd never say for sure that this is what is happening to you, but it sounds like it might be. Unfortunately, even the situation you know that you're in is difficult to resolve because you and her want completely different things. You want to know what's going through her mind and she doesn't want you to know.
I can only think of two ways of approaching it. One would be very sensitively, saying that you just want to work things out together (if that's what you do want). Problem is, you can't make her any promises because you don't know what she's going to say yet.
The second way, if she's really not ready to communicate, would be to suggest you give her some space to work her feelings out. It doesn't have to be a "break" or a trial separation. The relationship is still as it was, but you break contact for a bit. You run the risk of losing her but it's better than being stung later down the line. You also have the chance she'll miss you and realise she wants to keep what she has. You also can't count out the chance that you'll gain nothing and things will stay as they are. But, at that point, I think you've done all you can. You don't come across like a bad guy at all and I'm sorry this is happening.
One last thing, I might have read this completely wrongly. She could be worried about something, or ill, or preoccupied with something that happened that she's yet to tell you about.
I failed to mention she has a boyfriend. It all seemed to change over Xmas as that's when she told me she doesn't know what she wants but that she does have 'feelings' for me.
Now I might be reading the signs wrong but now it feels completely the opposite. Break down in communication. Maybe I'm being a typical male and reading the 'signs' wrong, or maybe it was the drink talking over xmas - maybe she is genuinely confused.
This is hopeless. When she does seem to want to talk she doesn't divulge anything (I have a creeping suspicion she is confused and I just REALLY want resolution).
I dont really know why Ive posted this. Guess I just need someone to talk to. Apologies.
Ack! I wish you'd said she has a boyfriend. That does kind of change things. It doesn't surprise me that Christmas was a sticking point as that's when you think about yourself and your loved ones.
I'm pretty sure you are right and that she is either confused or just doesn't know which way to leap. I also believe she has feelings for you. The problem is that neither you nor I know if they are strong enough. I'd love to come up with something that would give you that answer but there isn't anything.
The other way of looking at it, though, is to look at the elements that you *are* in control of, i.e. how you deal with her. While you don't know what's going through her mind, are your feelings strong enough that it's worth going through this (and eventual potential rejection)?
I don't know what to do right now. I'm not strong enough to say no and end it, nor am I strong enough to not speak to her. This is beginning to become borderline limerence. The hope & uncertainty, that 5% chance she might, just might 'choose me', is both killing me and keeping me hooked. Yes, I think my feelings are that strong. I'd love to just see her and get everything off my chest, but she won't even grant me that. Miserable.
Doesnt know what she wants.
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I'd never say for sure that this is what is happening to you, but it sounds like it might be. Unfortunately, even the situation you know that you're in is difficult to resolve because you and her want completely different things. You want to know what's going through her mind and she doesn't want you to know.
I can only think of two ways of approaching it. One would be very sensitively, saying that you just want to work things out together (if that's what you do want). Problem is, you can't make her any promises because you don't know what she's going to say yet.
The second way, if she's really not ready to communicate, would be to suggest you give her some space to work her feelings out. It doesn't have to be a "break" or a trial separation. The relationship is still as it was, but you break contact for a bit. You run the risk of losing her but it's better than being stung later down the line. You also have the chance she'll miss you and realise she wants to keep what she has. You also can't count out the chance that you'll gain nothing and things will stay as they are. But, at that point, I think you've done all you can. You don't come across like a bad guy at all and I'm sorry this is happening.
One last thing, I might have read this completely wrongly. She could be worried about something, or ill, or preoccupied with something that happened that she's yet to tell you about.
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LIEWM
10 years ago
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I'm back and need more wise words.
I failed to mention she has a boyfriend. It all seemed to change over Xmas as that's when she told me she doesn't know what she wants but that she does have 'feelings' for me.
Now I might be reading the signs wrong but now it feels completely the opposite. Break down in communication. Maybe I'm being a typical male and reading the 'signs' wrong, or maybe it was the drink talking over xmas - maybe she is genuinely confused.
This is hopeless. When she does seem to want to talk she doesn't divulge anything (I have a creeping suspicion she is confused and I just REALLY want resolution).
I dont really know why Ive posted this. Guess I just need someone to talk to. Apologies.
--
dappled
10 years ago
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Ack! I wish you'd said she has a boyfriend. That does kind of change things. It doesn't surprise me that Christmas was a sticking point as that's when you think about yourself and your loved ones.
I'm pretty sure you are right and that she is either confused or just doesn't know which way to leap. I also believe she has feelings for you. The problem is that neither you nor I know if they are strong enough. I'd love to come up with something that would give you that answer but there isn't anything.
The other way of looking at it, though, is to look at the elements that you *are* in control of, i.e. how you deal with her. While you don't know what's going through her mind, are your feelings strong enough that it's worth going through this (and eventual potential rejection)?
--
LIEWM
10 years ago
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I don't know what to do right now. I'm not strong enough to say no and end it, nor am I strong enough to not speak to her. This is beginning to become borderline limerence. The hope & uncertainty, that 5% chance she might, just might 'choose me', is both killing me and keeping me hooked. Yes, I think my feelings are that strong. I'd love to just see her and get everything off my chest, but she won't even grant me that. Miserable.