Do you have resentment towards a changed person?

16 Comments

My stepfather was a horrible person to me ever since I was 8 years old (I'm a girl). He was a physically/verbally abusive alcoholic who cared for no one but himself and when I was 16 I ran away from home and lived on my own.

I'm 26 years old now, have a job I love doing and making good money. All of a sudden today my mom called me and told me to come meet with her. I met her at her house and I saw my stepfather there again. I saw something I've never seen before. My stepfather smiled at me sincerely and called me, " sweetheart ".

I was taken by surprise and my mom talked with me in private. She told me my stepfather had a heart attack 5 years ago and ever since then he stopped taking life for granted and became a changed person.

My stepfather and I then sat down. While holding my hand he tearfully said, " I know I failed you as a father and I kick myself every single day for being a failure to you and your mother. If I can go back and fix every stupid thing I did wrong, believe me I would. I know it's hard to believe, but I'm a changed person now. Can you forgive me and give an old man a second chance? ".

It was pretty emotional and I said, " This is just so sudden. When your heart has been hurt for so long it just doesn't go away in an instant. I still resent you even now. You're going to have to give me time ".

What do you guys think?

I have experienced resentment towards changed people too. 53
I never experienced resentment towards changed people. 12
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Comments ( 16 )
  • UnrecognizableMan
    12 years ago

    To get someone to forgive you you don't say "I was a horrible for 8 years but I've changed so lets start afresh", you say "I was a horrible for 8 years and heres a list of things I will do to start to try and make it up to you". You have to earn forgiveness, and actions speak louder than words. If you still resent him, then theres a reason for that. Maybe after 8 years of kindness it will start to fade.

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  • wigsplitz
    12 years ago

    I would give a second chance. It takes so much for someone to apologize like that. I think he meant it.

    I understand because I forgave my father in a similar way. He's different from my mother, because she won't even admit she did anything wrong at all. Even though they both did terrible things.

    You're still angry and want to put him on trial essentially for every little thing he did, and you see his apology as generic. You have to realize that he doesn't necessarily know or remember every little detail like you do, but he knows overall he hurt you and owed you an apology. And that's good enough. Really.

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    • joybird
      12 years ago

      I agree 100%

      My dad took a stroke many years ago and suddenly I saw an old man in front of me. It's not in my nature to be a bully so my heart softened - though he never apologised for all the things he did to me :o( Before that I really and truly hated him with a passion. It's better for you to let it go and at least he had the chance to apologise. My dad died last year but my rotten mother is still going strong with her poison!

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      • [Old Memory]
        12 years ago

        if your mother apologised in a sincere manner what would u think? i'm just curious

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        • joybird
          12 years ago

          I'd think she'd either taken a stroke or a brain haemorrhage.

          My dad once said that was her major problem.
          She has NEVER apologised to anyone for anything in her whole life!!

          She even sulked with her mother when she was dying and wouldn't visit her for 3 months - she made it there the night she died ... and then re-wrote history as to how she'd been with her all the months beforehand and all the things my gran had said to her. WTF? Only she was so distressed I'd have asked her what planet she was on. I think she rewrites history so that she has no guilt.

          I've tried to teach her a few lessons over the years - like never say anything on a memorable occasion or it will always be remembered. Examples, would be my wedding, birth of my son, death of my nephew, etc - all times she was particularly hateful :o((

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          • [Old Memory]
            12 years ago

            she sounds like a hard case but hypothetically if she came to you filled with remorse do you think you could forgive her, dont anser if its too painful

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            • joybird
              12 years ago

              Yes I could, coz I think I would look at her like I did my dad, as an old person who didn't know any better. They didn't have the benefit of education re child development so unfortunately we just got their real personalities, full blast.

              I don't think children can cope with full adult hatred towards them or dumped on them, making everything that happened in the parents' rotten lives, the children's fault.

              If at some point they are able to take responsibility, should it be on their death bed, then I would forgive them and be freed from my own resentment towards them. This is how it was when I forgave my dad - who was really only a sperm donor coz he hated kids. But, as he said to my mother - at least he admitted it, she still pretends to like grandchildren etc. Yeah, loves to abuse them!!!

              Find it cathartic to off-load in print rather than seem resentful in real life.

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  • flutterhigh
    12 years ago

    I have resentment towards Eddie Murphy, so yes, I suppose so.

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  • Shackleford96
    12 years ago

    I think that your feelings of resentment are definitely justified. Whether you want to give him another chance or not is your decision though.

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  • NothingxCrazy
    12 years ago

    My dad changed like this. He was a drug addict and alcoholic for most of my life then got clean and sober. He hurt my family a lot, stole from us a lot, lied a lot, yelled a lot, and was just a complete asshole.
    I still hold a lot of resentment towards him. The day he said I was JUST like him crushed me because I refuse to end up like him. I blame most of my emotional damage on him and how he treated my whole family.

    He never asked for forgiveness, though. I don't think he cares.
    It's hard to say you'd give someone a second chance if you haven't been in a situation like you and I have been in. It's definitely not easy and usually, it's not even an option.

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  • rockie2014
    12 years ago

    People don't change, you just see a little more or a little less of them than you did before. You see what they choose for you to see, decide how you feel about them based on what you see and what parts of them they act on. Everyone can be "bad" so don't worry about the hidden stuff, if he hides it then he's making an effort. It's ok for you to still be mad, just try to forgive although you won't and shouldn't forget.

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    • [Old Memory]
      12 years ago

      Well people change but other than that you are right... I wish my father would say something like that to me in a few years because he left our family when I was about 3 an my sister 1.5... he beat me and always preferred my sis also he never gave money to us and just lived from his girlfriends because he is a fucking loser and doesn't have a job... he changed a bit but when we wanted to do sth. with him he just had stupid excuses and thats everything he's got and so I think I won't care if he sometimes really wants to give me/us an excuse!

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  • [Old Memory]
    12 years ago

    I would give him a second chance.

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  • WolfRider
    12 years ago

    Normal feelings for a person that suffered emotional and physical abuse. Professional Family Counseling is what's needed to grow and form a family bond. Nothing else will work. I'm 57 years old and am still in counseling for the childhood abuse I survived. And the abusers in my case are all dead, but I still have the fear/hatred baggage I'm working through.

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  • vitamello
    12 years ago

    Forgive, but do not forget.

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